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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 24th Jun 2018, 11:13
  #11901 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: England
Posts: 356
Originally Posted by Nigerian Expat Outlaw View Post
A man buys a Ferrari and takes it out for a drive. Of course, he speeds like crazy.
Suddenly he notices blue flashing lights behind him and panicking he floors it. 100... 120... 140 mph.
Then sanity hits and he pulls over.
The cop says, "Sir, you were speeding but it's the end of my shift and I'm tired. Give me an excuse I haven't heard before and I'll let you go."
"Well, a few years ago my wife left me for a police officer. I thought you were him bringing her back."
"Have a nice night, sir."
https://www.liveleak.com/view?t=kn26P_1529600144
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Old 24th Jun 2018, 18:38
  #11902 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 55
Posts: 34
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Old 24th Jun 2018, 19:08
  #11903 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 82
Posts: 698
That last post stinks!
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Old 24th Jun 2018, 19:35
  #11904 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: THE BLUEBIRD CAFE
Posts: 60
No it doesn't. Just shat myself. It was that good.
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Old 25th Jun 2018, 11:45
  #11905 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Do I come here often?
Posts: 901
Originally Posted by VP959 View Post
Ten years since it's last appearance here isn't too bad. I found it when sifting out some old archived files stored on a backup drive that dates back to the around 2004, so may well have copied it from here at that time. I'd not remembered it from before - probably my fading memory.
Told to me by my then Chief Pilot 27 May 1995. I know the date because it was the day he retired and he told me that just before he briefed me for the last approach of his flying career.

SND
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Old 25th Jun 2018, 12:47
  #11906 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 916
Originally Posted by ricardian View Post
I see what is confusing them.

No Allen key!

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Old 25th Jun 2018, 20:29
  #11907 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: La Rochelle.
Age: 45
Posts: 502
Really, really annoyed. Just got a ticket for undertaking on the M3. Didn't realise it was Charles and Camilla with a police escort travelling slowly in the middle lane. I was in a hurry so went down the inside to take the next exit. Blue lights and a motorcycle cop stops me short. He just looked at me and wrote the ticket. 'But why? says I. 'Sorry mate', says the cop, 'but you passed the Duchy on the left hand side'.
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Old 25th Jun 2018, 20:51
  #11908 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 916
Arsenal FC club magazine cover.




"Sniggers!"
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Old 26th Jun 2018, 10:09
  #11909 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 26th Jun 2018, 11:35
  #11910 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 916
After beating Russia 3-0 in the World Cup, the Uruguayan team have been advised not to drink tea or touch door handles.
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Old 26th Jun 2018, 12:33
  #11911 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Location: Location!
Posts: 2,004
Originally Posted by sitigeltfel View Post
I see what is confusing them.

No Allen key!

Or possibly even "Noah-llen Key"?

∆ack
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Old 26th Jun 2018, 12:55
  #11912 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 751
Or "What language is this?"
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Old 27th Jun 2018, 19:22
  #11913 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 55
Posts: 34
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Old 27th Jun 2018, 22:30
  #11914 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 82
Posts: 698
Talking about Cruise;

Clever Dick was on the Titanic and at the evening show was watching the conjuror.
First trick, a dove fluttered up; "I know how you did that, it was up your sleeve" said Dick,
Second trick correct card revealed; "I saw the card palmed in your hand", cries Jack.
Third trick rabbit out of hat; "False bottom in the hat" our friend cried out.
At that moment the ship caught the iceburg, we all know the story but our friend Jack found himself floating on a plank of wood with only the conjurer as companion.
"Go on" said jack, "you got me there, how did you make it disappear?".
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Old 27th Jun 2018, 22:38
  #11915 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 82
Posts: 698
Bill in a bar was just finishing his pint and a lady sat down beside him. After a bit of chat and a few more pints, the lady asked Bill if he would like to go back to her home for a bit of rumpty pumpty
Now Bill was no young man but the lady had a few years on him and, to be honest, he didn't seem very impressed with the offer, however the lady suggested that he might be interested in a threesome - mother and daughter jobby, Bill became interested and decided to go home with the lady, the prospect of a mother/daughter session looming large in his mind.

As they entered the house his new lady friend called out "put your teeth in mother, we've got company"
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Old 28th Jun 2018, 20:22
  #11916 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 916
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Old 28th Jun 2018, 20:33
  #11917 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 28th Jun 2018, 20:44
  #11918 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 28th Jun 2018, 22:40
  #11919 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 29th Jun 2018, 16:47
  #11920 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,005
God Loves You

A heavy gambler at the races had lost every bet. Then he noticed a Priest step onto the track and bless one of the horses before a race. Lo and behold the horse won.

Next race the Priest stepped onto the track and blessed one of the horses. The gambler dashed for a window and placed a bet on the horse. Even though it was a long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings and waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots which all won.

The gambler made a dash to the ATM, withdrew everything and waited for the Priest's blessing to tell him which horse to bet on. The Priest stepped onto the track and blessed an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. The Priest blessed the eyes, ears and hooves of the horse.

The gambler bet every penny he had. He watched dumbfounded as the horse came last. In a state of shock, he went to the Priest and said 'Father! What happened? All day you blessed horses and they won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed came last. Now I've lost everything'.

The Priest nodded and said. 'Son that's the problem with not attending Church, You can't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites'.
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