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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

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Old 27th Jun 2018, 19:22
  #11901 (permalink)  
 
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Old 27th Jun 2018, 22:30
  #11902 (permalink)  
 
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Talking about Cruise;

Clever Dick was on the Titanic and at the evening show was watching the conjuror.
First trick, a dove fluttered up; "I know how you did that, it was up your sleeve" said Dick,
Second trick correct card revealed; "I saw the card palmed in your hand", cries Jack.
Third trick rabbit out of hat; "False bottom in the hat" our friend cried out.
At that moment the ship caught the iceburg, we all know the story but our friend Jack found himself floating on a plank of wood with only the conjurer as companion.
"Go on" said jack, "you got me there, how did you make it disappear?".
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Old 27th Jun 2018, 22:38
  #11903 (permalink)  
 
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Bill in a bar was just finishing his pint and a lady sat down beside him. After a bit of chat and a few more pints, the lady asked Bill if he would like to go back to her home for a bit of rumpty pumpty
Now Bill was no young man but the lady had a few years on him and, to be honest, he didn't seem very impressed with the offer, however the lady suggested that he might be interested in a threesome - mother and daughter jobby, Bill became interested and decided to go home with the lady, the prospect of a mother/daughter session looming large in his mind.

As they entered the house his new lady friend called out "put your teeth in mother, we've got company"
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Old 28th Jun 2018, 20:22
  #11904 (permalink)  
 
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Old 28th Jun 2018, 20:33
  #11905 (permalink)  
 
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Old 28th Jun 2018, 20:44
  #11906 (permalink)  
 
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Old 28th Jun 2018, 22:40
  #11907 (permalink)  
 
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Old 29th Jun 2018, 16:47
  #11908 (permalink)  

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God Loves You

A heavy gambler at the races had lost every bet. Then he noticed a Priest step onto the track and bless one of the horses before a race. Lo and behold the horse won.

Next race the Priest stepped onto the track and blessed one of the horses. The gambler dashed for a window and placed a bet on the horse. Even though it was a long shot, the horse won the race.

He collected his winnings and waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots which all won.

The gambler made a dash to the ATM, withdrew everything and waited for the Priest's blessing to tell him which horse to bet on. The Priest stepped onto the track and blessed an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. The Priest blessed the eyes, ears and hooves of the horse.

The gambler bet every penny he had. He watched dumbfounded as the horse came last. In a state of shock, he went to the Priest and said 'Father! What happened? All day you blessed horses and they won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed came last. Now I've lost everything'.

The Priest nodded and said. 'Son that's the problem with not attending Church, You can't tell the difference between a blessing and last rites'.
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Old 29th Jun 2018, 19:23
  #11909 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by underfire View Post

Y'know, there is a touch of the Sandi Toksvig about him................
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Old 30th Jun 2018, 00:35
  #11910 (permalink)  
 
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The mystery of 'V' flight formation









solved...
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Old 1st Jul 2018, 09:24
  #11911 (permalink)  
 
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A lady lost her purse in a bustling department store. She searched everywhere she had visited, but just couldn't find it.
Finally, a little boy approached her and asked, "Mrs, is this your purse?"
Jubilantly, she grabbed the purse and cried, "Yes! Yes, it is! Thank you so much!"
Then she looked inside and was suddenly confused.
"But how strange... when I lost it, I had only two £50 notes, but now I have ten £10 notes!"
The boy replied, "That's because the last time I returned a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for my reward!"
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Old 2nd Jul 2018, 08:03
  #11912 (permalink)  

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Sales Technique

A young guy from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience ?"
“Yeah. I was a salesman back in Omaha."
The boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
"How many customers bought something from you today ?"
The kid says, "One".
“Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65 ".
The boss says, "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.'"
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Old 2nd Jul 2018, 08:21
  #11913 (permalink)  
 
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Public health authorities have advised people to avoid the sun between 10am and 4pm, or preferably not to buy it at all.
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Old 3rd Jul 2018, 10:49
  #11914 (permalink)  
 
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A farmer in Yorkshire sees a bloke drinking from his stream and shouts, 'Ey up cock! Tha dunna be drinkin wata frm theer, it's full o horse urine an cow poo'

The bloke says, 'Hey buddy, I'm American - can you speak slower and in English?'

The farmer replies, 'If you use two hands you won't spill any'...
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Old 3rd Jul 2018, 11:35
  #11915 (permalink)  
 
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Due to the water shortage in Ireland, the management at the Dublin swimming baths have closed lanes 7 & 8.
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Old 3rd Jul 2018, 17:37
  #11916 (permalink)  
 
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Old 3rd Jul 2018, 18:52
  #11917 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by sitigeltfel View Post
Due to the water shortage in Ireland, the management at the Dublin swimming baths have closed lanes 7 & 8.
I'm sure that some time in the 1960s or 1970s Bristol City Council turned off the fountains on College Green because there was a water shortage.

They, the council, did actually know that the fountains simply recirculated water that was already there, and didn't actually use any, but they decided that it was easier to turn the fountains off than try to explain this to people, over and over and over and over again.
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Old 3rd Jul 2018, 20:22
  #11918 (permalink)  
 
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Actually, in this weather a fountain does consume a great deal of water due to evaporation.

With high air temperatures and low humidity our garden pond currently needs topping up very frequently unless we turn the fountain off.
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Old 3rd Jul 2018, 21:40
  #11919 (permalink)  
 
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I'm sure that some time in the 1960s or 1970s Bristol City Council turned off the fountains on College Green because there was a water shortage
more likely they turned off the water because the locals were bathing and washing clothes in it
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Old 3rd Jul 2018, 21:47
  #11920 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by lomapaseo View Post
more likely they turned off the water because the locals were bathing and washing clothes in it
Washing? you clearly don't know any bristolians...

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