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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 9th Jun 2018, 03:49
  #11841 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 166
How to stop that Hawaiian volcano erupting.

Apparently, in Hawaiian folklore, the Pele is the Goddess of fire, lightning, wind and volcanoes and the creator
of the Hawaiian Islands.
According to ancient Hawaiian tradition, the quickest way to appease Pele and have her stop the volcanic fires
is to make a human sacrifice into her fires.
The tradition goes on the say that the sacrifice needs to be a Hawaiian born celebrated leader who is considered
one of the most powerful men in the world.


Obama quickly announced he was actually born in Kenya, and has the Birth Certificate to prove it.
Nervous SLF is offline  
Old 9th Jun 2018, 17:41
  #11842 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
A man was slightly injured this morning when he fell into an upholstery machine.

He's recovered now.
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Old 10th Jun 2018, 06:49
  #11843 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 166
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Old 11th Jun 2018, 18:55
  #11844 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
ricardian is offline  
Old 12th Jun 2018, 00:57
  #11845 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 623
Loving Philomena Cunk above!
jolihokistix is offline  
Old 12th Jun 2018, 05:13
  #11846 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Great South East, tired and retired
Posts: 2,436
Never having seen her before, she appears to be a modernised, pommified, Norman Gunston. Quite amusing.
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Old 12th Jun 2018, 06:56
  #11847 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: closer to hell
Age: 47
Posts: 904
Is her name a piss take or is it for real?
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Old 12th Jun 2018, 07:25
  #11848 (permalink)  
Paid...Persona Grata
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Between BHX and EMA
Age: 73
Posts: 236
Her real name is Diane Morgan
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Old 12th Jun 2018, 07:31
  #11849 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Rugged Island
Posts: 0
Her series is largely a very nicely judged parody of Professor Brian Cox and his TV work.
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Old 12th Jun 2018, 07:57
  #11850 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 623
With edgy shades of Borat (Sacha Baron Cohen). “Feel/fill my” Cunk?

Last edited by jolihokistix; 12th Jun 2018 at 08:08.
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Old 12th Jun 2018, 08:02
  #11851 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: closer to hell
Age: 47
Posts: 904
I read her name as
full of men, aye kant
but that might just be my stupid brain.
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Old 12th Jun 2018, 23:07
  #11852 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
A man enters a confessional and says to the Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession and I've sinned with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Marys'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have sinned with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style. The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes"
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Old 12th Jun 2018, 23:36
  #11853 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Edinburgh
Age: 81
Posts: 44
Which reminds me of a true story:-
This young blonde catches all eyes (male AND female) as she enters the church and heads for a front pew.
At the end of the service, with all eyes still on her, she heads straight over to me, and says in a clear voice, "You're DType aren't you. I'll never forget that night I spent with you!"
However, the explanation was pretty boring:- Several years previously I had been a leader at an Adventure Camp in the Lake District, and had taken a group of teenagers to Upper Eskdale to camp overnight - in separate tents. She had been one of the teenagers. Momentary excitement in Church rapidly extinguished.
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Old 13th Jun 2018, 08:22
  #11854 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Fliegensville, Gold Coast Australia
Posts: 34
I've just 'you tube' a heap of that Philomena....ha ha....yes somewhat Norman Gunston like indeed
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Old 13th Jun 2018, 09:08
  #11855 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
Q: What have Theresa May and a UK three pin plug got in common?

A: They are both useless in mainland Europe.
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Old 13th Jun 2018, 12:48
  #11856 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Southwater
Age: 69
Posts: 516
I've heard that a cure for dyslexia has been discovered. I can hardly believe my arse.
RedhillPhil is online now  
Old 13th Jun 2018, 17:00
  #11857 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 993
A man is going on an ocean cruise and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting seasick.

The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of confetti before you leave the dock.''

The man asks, ''Will that keep me from getting sick, Doctor?''

The doctor says, "No, but it'll look really pretty in the water."
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Old 13th Jun 2018, 17:15
  #11858 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Liverpool
Age: 44
Posts: 471
As part of the FIFA bilateral cultural exchange and experience program, the England team visited a Russian orphanage in Moscow last night. "It's heartbreaking to see their little faces with no hope written all over them", said Vitaly Polenkov, aged 6.
clareprop is offline  
Old 13th Jun 2018, 19:21
  #11859 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 4,624
Groan.

Try World Cup 2018
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Old 14th Jun 2018, 09:07
  #11860 (permalink)  

Gentleman Aviator
 
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Teetering Towers - somewhere in the Shires
Age: 70
Posts: 3,378
A man is going on an ocean cruise and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting seasick.
Of course there's always Spike Milligan's seasickness cure......

........"Sit under a tree!"
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