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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 21st May 2018, 08:52
  #11801 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
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Old 22nd May 2018, 18:58
  #11802 (permalink)  
 
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Old 22nd May 2018, 20:51
  #11803 (permalink)  
 
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Old 23rd May 2018, 01:42
  #11804 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
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Our friend Mr Falk arrived to stay with us on Friday night. We had a few cocktails, perhaps a few too many.
Saturday morning he woke up with a splitting headache, so I drove quickly to the drug store (chemist to you Brits) to get some aspirin.
The old lady behind the counter asked me what it was for, and I said "For Falk's ache"
She told me not to use such language, and to leave the store.
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Old 23rd May 2018, 15:26
  #11805 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
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A 77-year-old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.

Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition".

Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.

The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand ---He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."

(Our needs change as we get older)
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Old 24th May 2018, 06:48
  #11806 (permalink)  
 
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Old 24th May 2018, 06:52
  #11807 (permalink)  
 
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Old 25th May 2018, 14:49
  #11808 (permalink)  
 
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Old 26th May 2018, 14:33
  #11809 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Q: How do you think the unthinkable?
A: Thail into an itheberg
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Old 27th May 2018, 11:50
  #11810 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Currently within the EU
Posts: 317
My mate fall into a vat of milk.
I told him "You won't drown until it gets pasteurised."
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Old 27th May 2018, 20:11
  #11811 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
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Liverpool goalkeeper Loris Karius is to quit football to work in a leper colony.

He's not worried as it has been proved he can't catch anything.
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Old 29th May 2018, 16:13
  #11812 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 990
Hillary Clinton Book Reviews

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern." ~ Craig Kilborn

"In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, falling in love with him, getting married, and living a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. Then on page two, the trouble starts." ~ Jay Leno

"In the book she says when Bill told her he was having an affair, she said 'I could hardly breathe, I was gulping for air.'" No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said. ~ David Letterman

"Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family." ~ David Letterman

"Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first party in her new home in Washington . People said it was a lot like the parties she used to host at the White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same." ~ Jay Leno

"CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired woman in America. Women admire her because she's strong and successful. Men admire her because she allows her husband to cheat and get away with it." ~ Jay Leno

"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible - the one with only 7 commandments." ~ David Letterman

(This isn't a partisan post so no need for political ripostes. I'm not Republican, Democrat or American). NEO
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Old 29th May 2018, 17:15
  #11813 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: apogee
Age: 64
Posts: 59
A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place: Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way? Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
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Old 29th May 2018, 18:05
  #11814 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: E.Wash State
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(This isn't a partisan post so no need for political ripostes.
Sadly, NEO, we have lost all sense of humor in politics these days. A few of us still like a good joke or put-down, regardless of whether it is about our own candidate or the opposition -- but most are too sensitive now and take everything way too seriously.
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Old 29th May 2018, 21:35
  #11815 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
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Neighbour just told me his wife had died, he only noticed it after a few days.
"Sex was the same" he said "but I noticed that the washing up didn't get done!"
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Old 29th May 2018, 22:23
  #11816 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Near where the Wokkas live.
Age: 74
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Unhappy

Originally Posted by obgraham View Post
Sadly, NEO, we have lost all sense of humor in politics these days. A few of us still like a good joke or put-down, regardless of whether it is about our own candidate or the opposition -- but most are too sensitive now and take everything way too seriously.
Very true.
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Old 29th May 2018, 22:31
  #11817 (permalink)  
 
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Old 29th May 2018, 22:34
  #11818 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Cambridge, England, EU
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Originally Posted by obgraham View Post
Sadly, NEO, we have lost all sense of humor in politics these days. A few of us still like a good joke or put-down, regardless of whether it is about our own candidate or the opposition -- but most are too sensitive now and take everything way too seriously.
To see the country's most extreme example of a political party taking the piss out of itself, turn up at Glee Club at a Lib Dem conference. Regularly baffles the press, eg https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-new...inside-6497378
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Old 30th May 2018, 06:04
  #11819 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
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Wife, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

Husband, "Do you promise not to get upset if I am honest with you?"

Wife, "OK, I promise."

Husband, "I screwed your sister."
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Old 30th May 2018, 16:34
  #11820 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 990
My wife caught me shouting into an envelope today and asked me what was I doing.

I explained that I was sending a voicemail.
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