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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 16th May 2018, 11:14
  #11781 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: South of Old Warden
Age: 83
Posts: 1,376
Spellchecker’s your worst enema
goudie is offline  
Old 16th May 2018, 13:38
  #11782 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Somerset
Posts: 57
The inventor of spellchecker died on Tuesday, his funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Wigglyamps is offline  
Old 17th May 2018, 03:45
  #11783 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 747
Whisky in Scotland.
Whiskey in Ireland.

The definition of a true Irishman? He will step over ten naked ladies in order to reach the whiskey bottle.
A true Scottish gentleman?
He can play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
jolihokistix is offline  
Old 17th May 2018, 09:27
  #11784 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: fairly close to the colonial capitol
Age: 52
Posts: 1,686
A priest, a rabbi, and an insurance salesman walk into a bar. The barman looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?
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Old 17th May 2018, 12:34
  #11785 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,004
A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar.

He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a dollar.

When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another dollar. His room is only a dollar a day !

The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees:

Golf: $1.00
Dinner: $1.00
Room: $1.00.
Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00

He asks the Manager, "What is this all about ? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"

"I'm sorry, sir, said the manager, but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost."

"Well, said the man, If I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for !"

"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager.

"Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls !"
Nigerian Expat Outlaw is offline  
Old 17th May 2018, 16:42
  #11786 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Retired to Leafy Bucks
Posts: 94
A happily married man had only one complaint, his wife was always nursing sick birds.
On January evening he came home to find a raven with its beak in a splint on his favourite chair.
On the dining table was a feverish eagle pecking at an aspirin.
And in the kitchen his wife was comforting a wren she had found in a snowdrift.
He strode over to where his wife was towelling the poor little bird and said, "I can't take it any more, you must get rid of these damn.....
His wife held up here hand to cut him off in mid-rant.
"Please dear, not in front of the chilled wren"
goldfrog is offline  
Old 18th May 2018, 06:30
  #11787 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Retired to Leafy Bucks
Posts: 94
I lost a court case against a well known fabric softener company.
Yes, I fought Lenor and Lenor won
goldfrog is offline  
Old 18th May 2018, 14:39
  #11788 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2009
Location: VHHH Ocean 2D
Posts: 726
Never gets old this one -

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

Her doctor recommended that she go and see Dr Chang, the well-known sex therapist. So she went to see him and upon entering the examination room, Dr Chang said,

'OK, take off all you crose.'

So she did.

Dr Chang then said,

'Ok now, crawl reery fass to the other side of the room.'

So she did.

Dr Chang then said,

'OK' now crawl reery fass to me,'

So she did.

Dr Chang slowly shook his head and said,

'Your problem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates.'

Confused the woman asked,

'What is Ed Zachary Disease?'

Dr Chang replied,

'It when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your arse?

lol :

betpump5 is offline  
Old 18th May 2018, 17:41
  #11789 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
Posts: 164
While making love to my wife last night, I moaned "Oh Laurel"

She replied, “Who the f*** is Yanny?!!”

Local Variation is offline  
Old 18th May 2018, 18:28
  #11790 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,312
A young woman was very concerned to note that two green circular marks had appeared on the insides of her upper thighs. She had no other symptoms, but the marks seemed to be getting more and more pronounced.
Eventually, she decided to go and see her doctor, who examined her and was perplexed - it was like nothing she had seen before. She referred her to her partner, a more experienced physician nearing retirement. He took a look at the green marks and also said that he couldn't make a diagnosis, even with all his experience.
As the woman was obviously getting very worried, the senior partner informally suggested that she might go and see a quack doctor that he had heard about in a nearby town.
The woman went off to see the quack, who took one look, and asked her "Is your boyfriend a Gypsy?" The woman replied "As a matter of fact, he is, but what's that got to do with it?" The quack replied "Just tell him his earrings aren't gold."
LGS6753 is offline  
Old 18th May 2018, 18:39
  #11791 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 61
Posts: 5,598
A college professor reminded her class of the importance of the final exam.
'I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said,
'Well, I guess you'd have to write on the exam paper with your other hand.'
Lonewolf_50 is offline  
Old 19th May 2018, 07:56
  #11792 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 747
When I heard it just over 50 years ago, the punch line was,

Doctor: Is your boyfriend a Gypsy?

Patient: Why yes he is!

Doctor: Well then, I have some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is that it is nothing serious. The bad news is that his earrings are not real gold.
jolihokistix is offline  
Old 19th May 2018, 12:22
  #11793 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
ricardian is offline  
Old 19th May 2018, 13:11
  #11794 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: australia
Posts: 28
Two women are sitting quietly......
thefeatheredone is offline  
Old 20th May 2018, 16:30
  #11795 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Cambridge, England, EU
Posts: 3,433
When I was a kid, mum used to send me to the shops with 50p. I could come home with a chicken, 2 pints of milk, 6 eggs, 2 packs of bacon and a comic book. You can't do that nowadays though because of that ******* CCTV.
Gertrude the Wombat is offline  
Old 20th May 2018, 16:39
  #11796 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Retired to Leafy Bucks
Posts: 94
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Laurel who?
goldfrog is offline  
Old 20th May 2018, 19:53
  #11797 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: closer to hell
Age: 48
Posts: 905
Oh dear...it's started already...
troppo is offline  
Old 20th May 2018, 21:07
  #11798 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 411
Russell Gulch is offline  
Old 21st May 2018, 08:52
  #11799 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
ricardian is offline  
Old 22nd May 2018, 18:58
  #11800 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 916
sitigeltfel is offline  

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