Go Back  PPRuNe Forums > PPRuNe Social > Jet Blast
Reload this Page >

Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 6th May 2018, 07:12
  #11741 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Retired to Leafy Bucks
Posts: 94
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
goldfrog is offline  
Old 6th May 2018, 07:58
  #11742 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 803
ricardian is offline  
Old 6th May 2018, 09:55
  #11743 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: South of Old Warden
Age: 82
Posts: 1,380
Two teenage girls sitting in the garden chatting when one says, “ooh look there’s a condom on the patio”. “What’s a patio?” Asks her friend.
goudie is offline  
Old 6th May 2018, 10:27
  #11744 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Hampshire
Age: 72
Posts: 670
1981:
1. An English prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the European Cup
3. The Pope dies

2005:
1. An English prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the European Cup
3. The Pope dies

2018:
1. An English prince gets married
2. Liverpool are in another European Cup final
3. Someone let the Pope know!
KelvinD is offline  
Old 6th May 2018, 19:18
  #11745 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 60
Posts: 989
I told a friend that I won't lend him any more money because he is a serial liar and never pays me back. But he promised he's has changed so I lent him the £20 he needed to feed his pet unicorn.
Nigerian Expat Outlaw is offline  
Old 6th May 2018, 19:28
  #11746 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 803
ricardian is offline  
Old 8th May 2018, 11:02
  #11747 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: The Fletcher Memorial Home
Age: 54
Posts: 302
Less of a joke, more a story from a mate "who was there".

Two Brits are in the US on business and decided to pop into a local watering hole and sample the wares. As appears to happen, their British accents attracted the attention of a couple of the ladies in the bar, much to the dismay of a couple of local blokes. After 10 minutes or so one local bloke decided to show his displeasure, so he shouts across to the Brits "Hey, youse guys, how come they call you limeys"? The bar goes quiet, until one of the Brits pipes up "Good question, actually it goes back to the days of sailing ships where the sailors had very poor diets. They found that a lot of sailors were getting sick from scurvy, and the cure for this was to have a daily ration of vitamin C. Now the Admiralty did some research and concluded that the best fruit for this was the lime, so every where the Royal Navy went they took along stocks of limes. Hence the British sailors were always known as Limeys".

The ladies clustered round the Brits were very impressed with this, while the local blokes were a bit put out at having been outsmarted. It would have ended there had the other Brit, a Geordie, not shouted across to the locals "So why is it they call you guys mother fu...."?
Ogre is offline  
Old 8th May 2018, 12:04
  #11748 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Confoederatio Helvetica
Age: 64
Posts: 2,847
Originally Posted by Ogre View Post
Less of a joke, more a story from a mate "who was there".

Two Brits are in the US on business and decided to pop into a local watering hole and sample the wares. As appears to happen, their British accents attracted the attention of a couple of the ladies in the bar, much to the dismay of a couple of local blokes. After 10 minutes or so one local bloke decided to show his displeasure, so he shouts across to the Brits "Hey, youse guys, how come they call you limeys"? The bar goes quiet, until one of the Brits pipes up "Good question, actually it goes back to the days of sailing ships where the sailors had very poor diets. They found that a lot of sailors were getting sick from scurvy, and the cure for this was to have a daily ration of vitamin C. Now the Admiralty did some research and concluded that the best fruit for this was the lime, so every where the Royal Navy went they took along stocks of limes. Hence the British sailors were always known as Limeys".

The ladies clustered round the Brits were very impressed with this, while the local blokes were a bit put out at having been outsmarted. It would have ended there had the other Brit, a Geordie, not shouted across to the locals "So why is it they call you guys mother fu...."?
The way I heard it, it finished:
... so everywhere the Royal Navy went they took along sticks of limes for the sailors to suck. Hence the British sailors were known as Limeys”. There was a pause then another of the locals said “Sucking limes? So why are some as you known as cockneys?
ExXB is offline  
Old 8th May 2018, 14:43
  #11749 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 803
ricardian is offline  
Old 8th May 2018, 17:44
  #11750 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 803
What a pain in the a$se
ricardian is offline  
Old 8th May 2018, 20:02
  #11751 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 803
ricardian is offline  
Old 8th May 2018, 21:02
  #11752 (permalink)  
Gnome de PPRuNe
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 55
Posts: 5,505
Originally Posted by ricardian View Post
What a pain in the a$se
For some reason this brings to mind one of Slim Picken's lines in "Blazing Saddles"...
treadigraph is online now  
Old 8th May 2018, 22:02
  #11753 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Cambridge, England, EU
Posts: 3,403
Originally Posted by ricardian View Post
Seen that before, I think as an actually real postcard in a seaside postcard shop. ("Postcard" being a thing that apparently many of today's teenagers don't recognise if you show them a photo of one.)
Gertrude the Wombat is offline  
Old 9th May 2018, 02:44
  #11754 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Dunnunda
Age: 58
Posts: 130
Bought that one in Blackpool about 40 years ago..
Art Smass is offline  
Old 9th May 2018, 03:03
  #11755 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 803
I was going to donate blood until they started asking questions such as "Whose blood is this?" and "Where did you get it?"
ricardian is offline  
Old 9th May 2018, 14:50
  #11756 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Wilts
Posts: 120
Originally Posted by KelvinD View Post
1981:
1. An English prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the European Cup
3. The Pope dies

2005:
1. An English prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the European Cup
3. The Pope dies

2018:
1. An English prince gets married
2. Liverpool are in another European Cup final
3. Someone let the Pope know!
1981 Pope didn’t die only shot, but I’ll let the present one know anyhow. ��


Last edited by DON T; 9th May 2018 at 17:52. Reason: typing error
DON T is offline  
Old 9th May 2018, 15:58
  #11757 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Balikpapan, INDONESIA
Age: 67
Posts: 478
Originally Posted by DON T View Post


2005 Pope didn’t die only shot, but I’ll let the present one know anyhow. ��

I know the Catholics have some funny interpretations of life and death, but John Paul II was pronounced clinically dead on 2nd April 2005.
He was shot in 1981 - no death that year.
WingNut60 is offline  
Old 9th May 2018, 19:39
  #11758 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: San Jose
Posts: 726
Liverpool also won the European Cup in 1978 when a Pope died. I don't think any princes got married that year though.
llondel is offline  
Old 10th May 2018, 13:41
  #11759 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 60
Posts: 989
Scottish Nicknames

*Two Soups* - his real name is Campbell Baxter.

*Norrie Two Bunnets* - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his cloth cap.

*The Colostomy* - the girlfriend of a married man (i.e. the wee bag on the side).

*The Boomerang Kid* - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always replies: 'I'll get back to you on that.'

*The Parachute* - lets everyone down at the last minute.

*Vaseline* - his real name is Willie Burns.

*Rembrandt* - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture...'

*Bo Derek* - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

*The Genie* - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

*Dulux* - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

*Soapy* - washes his hands of any problems that crop up..

*The Yeti* - always on the sick. Many unconfirmed sightings of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.

*The Gas Man* - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

*The Hostage* - when anyone asks for help he always replies 'Sorry, my hands are tied'.

*The Olympic Flame* - He never goes out.
Nigerian Expat Outlaw is offline  
Old 10th May 2018, 13:45
  #11760 (permalink)  
Paid...Persona Grata
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Between BHX and EMA
Age: 73
Posts: 235
In my world that last one was "Pilot Light"
UniFoxOs is offline  

Thread Tools
Search this Thread

Contact Us Archive Advertising Cookie Policy Privacy Statement Terms of Service

Copyright © 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.