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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 24th Apr 2018, 16:50
  #11701 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
Posts: 5,852
Originally Posted by goudie View Post
Cheap jibe!

Clearly you didn't click on the photo.
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Old 24th Apr 2018, 16:54
  #11702 (permalink)  
Está servira para distraerle.
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: In a perambulator.
Posts: 0
Where's grandad then?
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Old 24th Apr 2018, 17:10
  #11703 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Green and pleasant land
Posts: 657
Originally Posted by cavortingcheetah View Post
Where's grandad then?
He he .. Which one?
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Old 24th Apr 2018, 19:12
  #11704 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 60
Posts: 990
DIY Home Security System

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of 'Guns & Ammo' Magazine
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads:
...
Hey Fang,

We've gone for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside. Be right back.
Cheers,
Rambo
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Old 24th Apr 2018, 19:14
  #11705 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 60
Posts: 990
A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat with the gorgeous flight attendant:

Business Man: “What is your name?”

Flight Attendant: “Angela Bugatti, Sir”

Businessman: “Lovely name... any relation to Bugatti Motors ?”

Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close”

Businessman: “How close?”

Flight Attendant: “Same price."
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Old 24th Apr 2018, 19:19
  #11706 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
Posts: 159
I saw a guy stacking shelves at Tesco today complaining because the top shelf was broken and he couldn't keep it up.

I think he was suffering from a wrecked aisle dysfunction.
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Old 24th Apr 2018, 19:48
  #11707 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: elstree
Posts: 13
Sad news. The man who invented Velcro has died.
RIP
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Old 25th Apr 2018, 10:46
  #11708 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 806
ricardian is offline  
Old 25th Apr 2018, 14:55
  #11709 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Yorks
Age: 59
Posts: 328
Originally Posted by goudie View Post
Cheap jibe!
humour is a personal thing, clearly.
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Old 25th Apr 2018, 17:38
  #11710 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 806
ricardian is offline  
Old 26th Apr 2018, 00:20
  #11711 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: The Smaller Antipode
Age: 85
Posts: 12
Sad news. The man who invented Velcro has died.
Wonder how they are going to secure his coffin ?
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Old 26th Apr 2018, 01:58
  #11712 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 604
Secure his coffin? They still haven't managed to get the lid to sit tightly on the guy who invented Viagra.
jolihokistix is online now  
Old 26th Apr 2018, 06:54
  #11713 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: South of England
Posts: 1,062
When Gene Pitney died, his family wanted a light-weight coffin at the last minute. They got it made - in 24 hours, from balsa.
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Old 26th Apr 2018, 10:19
  #11714 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Great South East, tired and retired
Posts: 2,350
That is almost as bad as Glen Campbell buying a farm plot in the Rockies so he could become a Limestone Plow-Boy.
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Old 26th Apr 2018, 14:06
  #11715 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 64
Posts: 47
Julie Andrews strolling on an Austrian alp saw a lonely goat turd on a mountain.
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Old 26th Apr 2018, 14:53
  #11716 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 60
Posts: 990
Once a year, the monks in the monastery are allowed to break their vow of silence to speak two words.
As this was a new monk’s first chance to speak he thinks for a second before saying, “Food bad.”
The next year at the same time, he says, “Bed hard.”
A year later he gives the head monk a long stare & says, “I quit.”
“I’m not surprised,” the head monk says. “You’ve been complaining non stop ever since you got here.”
Nigerian Expat Outlaw is offline  
Old 26th Apr 2018, 17:14
  #11717 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 60
Posts: 990
A man walking in the mall saw a Muslim bookstore. The sign outside led him to wonder what was in a Muslim bookstore, so he went in.

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave him the stink eye, but asked if he could help. He knew he didn't look like his normal clientele, so he asked, "Do you have Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?"

The clerk said, "Kiss my ass, get out and stay out!"

The man said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
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Old 26th Apr 2018, 18:43
  #11718 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Confoederatio Helvetica
Age: 64
Posts: 2,847
Originally Posted by Flyingbadge View Post
Sad news. The man who invented Velcro has died.
RIP
George? No he died in 1990. As his ‘invention’ was solely based on Burdock seeds sticking to his socks, and his dog, I’d suggest that the real inventor was god. And according to the various churches he is still very much not dead.
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Old 27th Apr 2018, 07:16
  #11719 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 604
Nietzsche would disagree, "Gott ist tot." (Half a century before the invention of Velcro.)
jolihokistix is online now  
Old 27th Apr 2018, 07:56
  #11720 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 64
Posts: 47
Velcro, it's a rip off.
hiflymk3 is offline  

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