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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 13th Apr 2018, 19:12
  #11661 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
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Old 14th Apr 2018, 03:33
  #11662 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
Posts: 5,308
The words of a drunken man ... are the thoughts of a sober man.
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Old 14th Apr 2018, 06:13
  #11663 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: fairly close to the colonial capitol
Age: 51
Posts: 1,687
Nice one.
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Old 14th Apr 2018, 06:20
  #11664 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 886
Originally Posted by Lonewolf_50 View Post
The words of a drunken man ... are the thoughts of a sober man.
Or, in its original form, "in vino veritas"
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Old 14th Apr 2018, 06:31
  #11665 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: fairly close to the colonial capitol
Age: 51
Posts: 1,687
Even better. Siti!

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Old 14th Apr 2018, 06:58
  #11666 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 886
A nine year old girl has been reported missing.

She was last seen using a moisturiser guaranteed to make you look ten years younger.
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Old 14th Apr 2018, 17:13
  #11667 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: England
Posts: 8
I've got a brilliant step ladder. I'm just sad that I never knew my real ladder.
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Old 14th Apr 2018, 19:15
  #11668 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 803
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Old 14th Apr 2018, 19:36
  #11669 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: East Sussex
Posts: 425
Hmm... it's the silly cows protesting....
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Old 14th Apr 2018, 20:09
  #11670 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
Posts: 5,642
Mad Cow Diseases has spread.
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Old 14th Apr 2018, 20:09
  #11671 (permalink)  
Gnome de PPRuNe
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 55
Posts: 5,432
Pull the udder one...
treadigraph is online now  
Old 14th Apr 2018, 20:57
  #11672 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
Posts: 5,642
Angry wife shouts at Husband (with hangover)
"Show him the effects of alcohol"....

Husband hands son a mirror...
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Old 15th Apr 2018, 02:08
  #11673 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Canada
Posts: 337
New organization involved with dyslexia, DAM, (Mothers against dyslexia).

I know, hat and coat etc.
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Old 15th Apr 2018, 05:01
  #11674 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Mainland Europe
Posts: 50
Cows...

Originally Posted by treadigraph View Post
Pull the udder one...
Or, from the Cowshed;

Pass the udder udder to my udder brudder, mudder.....
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Old 15th Apr 2018, 08:18
  #11675 (permalink)  
Paid...Persona Grata
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Between BHX and EMA
Age: 73
Posts: 235
Re cows - would someone please explain to the idiot that created that picture that it is not cows that are killed for us to have milk, but calves.

However the protesters are still idiots with their "I want to live" poster, because if we didn't drink milk then there wouldn't be any calves to have a life.
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Old 15th Apr 2018, 09:28
  #11676 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 80
Posts: 695
Agree, if we didn’t eat meat there would be no cows anyway.
If there were no Antelopes there would be no Lions.
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Old 15th Apr 2018, 09:35
  #11677 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 886
A horse walks into a bar, sits down beside a donkey, and orders a pint.
"You're a big lad" says the donkey, "did you win any races?".
"I've won the Derby and the Grand National" repies the horse.
Bloody hell, thinks the donkey, how can I match that?
He pulls up a picture of a zebra on his phone and shows it to the horse.
"Who's that?" asks the horse.
"That's me when I played as striker for Juventus" says the donkey!
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Old 15th Apr 2018, 11:13
  #11678 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,513
Friday evening a guy is in the pub and orders 3 whiskies. He drinks one and raises each of the other 2 in 'salute'. This is repeated for a few Fridays until the bar tender's curiosity is bursting. He has to ask what's going on.
"well, I have 2 friends who live far away, and at 5 O'clock on each Friday we decided to toast each other to keep the friendship going."
'That's a wonderful gesture." says the barman.
It continues for a few weeks and then the guy orders only 2 whiskies. The bartender's curiosity is again bursting, but he summons the courage to ask "if anything has happened to one of the friends/"
"oh no," says the guy,"I've decided to give up drinking."
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Old 15th Apr 2018, 16:32
  #11679 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 803
A woman is sat in church at her husband's funeral. A man in the pew behind leans over and says "Do you mind if I say a word?"
"No, please go ahead" replies the widow.
The man stands up, clears his throat and says "Plethora".
"Thank you," says the widow, "That means a lot".
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Old 15th Apr 2018, 19:22
  #11680 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
Posts: 159
Laura was forty, married, still sexually active and the mother of three strapping boys – each weighing 9lbs plus at birth. Whilst she was happy in life generally, she was far from happy with the damage done to her nether region.

Thankfully for Laura, her kind hearted husband Malcolm offered to pay for cosmetic surgery for the equivalent of a facelift. Laura gladly accepted the offer and two weeks later she went under the knife.

She woke blurry eyed from the surgery and noticed a nurse in the room with her. She also noticed that there were 3 vases of flowers too and so asked the nurse where they had come from.

The first she said, was from the surgeon as a thank you, as he said this was his finest work ever – sculpturer Michaelangelo would have been proud of. The second she said, was from her husband.

“And the third?” Laura asked. “Oh, they are from Mr Robinson, in the burns unit” the nurse replied. “He wanted to thank you for his new ears".
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