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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 1st Apr 2018, 10:58
  #11601 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: closer to hell
Age: 47
Posts: 897
Originally Posted by sitigeltfel View Post
A point to ponder.

Maybe plants are farming us, providing oxygen until we die then fertilise the ground for them to grow and flourish?
Plants aren't that smart. There are a billion hindus that don't turn into fertilizer.

Once upon a life time ago when I was at Jack Brown's Seaplane base.
I had to drive past twice just to make sure I read it right the first time.

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Old 2nd Apr 2018, 16:57
  #11602 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
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Judas: "Are we still on for Friday?"

Jesus: "Friday?"

Judas: "Yeah, you know - The Last Supper"

Jesus: "The what?"

Judas: "Supper. Normal supper with the lads..."
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Old 2nd Apr 2018, 17:02
  #11603 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Oneonta, NY
Age: 64
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The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After five years they came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen.

Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite.

There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "we had our best plastic surgeons spend five years making an alligator look like a Dachshund
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Old 2nd Apr 2018, 17:12
  #11604 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 886
I like to call my obsessive condition "CDO".

That way, all the letters are in alphabetical order.
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Old 2nd Apr 2018, 18:36
  #11605 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: N England
Posts: 480
Fresh from tonight's Radio 4....

A woman went in to the library and asked

"Do you have that new book about small penises?"

" I don't think it's in yet" replied the librarian

"That's the one" said the woman
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Old 2nd Apr 2018, 19:47
  #11606 (permalink)  
419
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: London
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I went into my local library today and asked for a book on suicide.

The librarian told me that I couldn't have it as she didn't think I would take it back.
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Old 2nd Apr 2018, 21:54
  #11607 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: fairly close to the colonial capitol
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Woman walks into a drugstore and asks the druggist where the vibrators are. The druggist motions with his finger and says, "Come this way". The woman says, "If I could come that way, I wouldn't need a vibrator."
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Old 3rd Apr 2018, 13:07
  #11608 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
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Old 3rd Apr 2018, 13:43
  #11609 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 60
Posts: 989
The Pope on a visit to the UK had a rough week of meeting Politicians so he decided to go the seaside in Margate. When he arrived in his Pope mobile, he saw a man struggling for his life against a shark. Upon a closer look he noticed that it was Jeremy Corbyn.
Horrified, he started to call for help when a speedboat pulled up alongside Mr. Corbyn, with Theresa May and Boris Johnson on board. Theresa May leant over and pulled him out. Then Theresa May and Boris Johnson beat the shark to death with baseball bats. They noticed the Pope and landed the boat on the beach.
The Pope said to them, "I know there have been a lot of disagreements between your parties, but I can see that you respect and help each other in their hour of need. You have my blessings." The Pope then drove off.
Theresa asked, "Who was that?" Boris said "That was the Pope Prime Minister, he is all knowing, in touch with God and Leader of the Catholic Church".
Theresa May said, "Well that's all very well but clearly he knows nothing about shark fishing. How’s the bait holding up?"

Last edited by Nigerian Expat Outlaw; 3rd Apr 2018 at 13:45. Reason: Karnt spell
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Old 3rd Apr 2018, 16:25
  #11610 (permalink)  
 
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Old 3rd Apr 2018, 19:23
  #11611 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,008
does that lost bag look like one of those salad dressing bags that you squeeze?

I think I may have used it on my salad
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Old 4th Apr 2018, 11:31
  #11612 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
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Old 4th Apr 2018, 13:53
  #11613 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
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Has anyone noticed how, on Coronation Street, the 'baddie' was one day dead then three days later seems to have come to life again - this over Easter.
Coincidence or just being naughty?
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Old 4th Apr 2018, 19:38
  #11614 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: South of Old Warden
Age: 82
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Two young brothers were playing scrabble. “Mum”, shouts one, Jack’s used a rude word”.
“What is it”? asks his mum. “Sex” he replies. “Sex isn’t a rude word, it describes if we’re male or female, for example”. “ He didn’t mean that sort of sex, he means the sex that you and dad do!”
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Old 5th Apr 2018, 08:59
  #11615 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 5th Apr 2018, 09:17
  #11616 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: fairly close to the colonial capitol
Age: 51
Posts: 1,687
What to you get when you cross a chicken with a pit bull?
Only the pit bull.

Why did the dog cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off.

Why did the Texas chicken cross the road?
To prove to the armadillo that it could be done.
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Old 5th Apr 2018, 11:28
  #11617 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 54
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Old 5th Apr 2018, 11:43
  #11618 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,660
On behalf of Channel 4 may I firstly thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new upcoming reality TV show.

Also the charming photo you enclosed of your wife.

Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the programme if selected, I would point out that there appears to be some misunderstanding of the programme's content and the correct title of the series, which is actually "Fact Hunt".
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Old 5th Apr 2018, 16:40
  #11619 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 5th Apr 2018, 17:36
  #11620 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 60
Posts: 989
Waring About ebay

If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully.

A friend has just spent $95, plus postage, on a penis enlarger.

Seller sent him a magnifying glass.

The only instructions were, "Do not use in sunlight."
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