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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 28th Mar 2018, 00:11
  #11581 (permalink)  
 
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Old 28th Mar 2018, 03:47
  #11582 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Redding CA, or on a fire somewhere
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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
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Old 29th Mar 2018, 10:45
  #11583 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Yes.
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At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an Inspector to Audit the Books of a Synagogue.

While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi & said: "I notice you buy a lot of Candles. What do you do with the Candle Drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up & send them back to the Candle Makers & every now & then they send us a free box of Candles."

"Oh," replied the Auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these Biscuit purchases? What do you do with the Crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the Inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them & send them back to the manufacturers & every now & then they send a free box of Holy Biscuits."

"I see," replied the Auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the Leftover Foreskins from the Circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the Foreskins & send them to the Tax Office.

And about once a year, they send us a complete Dick...!!!"

(J. Corbyn)
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Old 29th Mar 2018, 11:07
  #11584 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
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Age: 67
Posts: 896
My old grandad used to say, "The grass is always greener on the other side."

Nice chap, useless at laying turf.
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Old 29th Mar 2018, 11:17
  #11585 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
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A priest and a rabbi were sharing a compartment on a train.
After a while, the priest put down his book and said to the Rabbi, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork... but have you really never ever tasted it?"
The rabbi closed his newspaper and replied, "I must tell you the truth. Yes I have, on the odd occasion."
The rabbi then had his turn to interrogate. He asked, "I know that in your religion you're supposed to be celibate... but..."
The priest interrupted, "Yes, I know what you are going to ask, and yes, I have succumbed to temptation once or twice."
The two continued with their reading and there was silence for a while.
Then the rabbi peeked around his newspaper and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
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Old 29th Mar 2018, 11:51
  #11586 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Hampshire
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England odds of winning the World Cup now at 12-1
For those unfamiliar with betting this means, if you wager 10.00. You will lose 10.00.
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Old 29th Mar 2018, 19:18
  #11587 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
Posts: 159
I was travelling home on bus today and sat with a friend. I shared the following joke with him, "what do you do when an epileptic has a fit in the bath?".

"I don't know", said my friend. "Throw the washing in!", I replied.

Immediately after, a man sitting behind us tapped me on the shoulder and said "excuse me, that joke is in very poor taste, my niece died from having a fit in the bath".

Felling suitably ashamed, I apologised profusely and we sat in stoney silence.

At the next stop, the man got up and as he walked past us, turned and added ".....yes, she choked on a sock".
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Old 29th Mar 2018, 20:19
  #11588 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Loughborough England
Age: 83
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Dan Brown on foreskins:- Rabbi replies, "We save them up and when we have enough, we stitch them together. We then stroke them very gently and we have a marvellous sideline in suitcases."
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Old 29th Mar 2018, 21:47
  #11589 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
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Little boy and little girl are in the tub together. Girl looks at boy's winky and asks if she can touch it. Little boy replies, "No way, you already broke your's off!"
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Old 30th Mar 2018, 08:33
  #11590 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Hampshire
Age: 72
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Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feetand we ended up having sex there and then.
God. I love my new Taser!
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Old 30th Mar 2018, 12:11
  #11591 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 990
I lost my job at the tyre factory yesterday.




I feel so deflated.
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Old 30th Mar 2018, 12:17
  #11592 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,510
'Conjunctivitis.com'. Now there's a site for sore eyes.
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Old 30th Mar 2018, 15:56
  #11593 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: West Wiltshire, UK
Age: 66
Posts: 369
Originally Posted by cargosales View Post
It really is time for web companies to introduce compulsory IQ tests before people are allowed to make complete fools of themselves online.

CS

P.S. If anyone knows where to get hold of a large bag of whatever this kid has been smoking then please PM me.....
Almost as good as this one:

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Old 30th Mar 2018, 18:31
  #11594 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: Yakima
Posts: 49
Gentlemen and Ladies, I hope you are aware that those videos of the young lady are what's called 'satire', and quite good too. She's pulling your leg(s) and you're going for it hook, line, and sinker.
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Old 30th Mar 2018, 18:43
  #11595 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
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A point to ponder.

Maybe plants are farming us, providing oxygen until we die then fertilise the ground for them to grow and flourish?
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Old 30th Mar 2018, 19:17
  #11596 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
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Old 30th Mar 2018, 19:33
  #11597 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: fairly close to the colonial capitol
Age: 51
Posts: 1,687
Did Eve ever have a date with Adam?
No, but they shared an apple once.

How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.

How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
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Old 30th Mar 2018, 21:00
  #11598 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
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Old 31st Mar 2018, 06:53
  #11599 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
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Old 31st Mar 2018, 16:20
  #11600 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 990
A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said,
“You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
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