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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 21st Mar 2018, 19:41
  #11561 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 803
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Old 21st Mar 2018, 21:03
  #11562 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: fairly close to the colonial capitol
Age: 51
Posts: 1,687
In a retirement village, Walter wanders about in a spandex super hero's costume exclaiming, "Super Sex, Super Sex!".

Gertrude responds, "Ill have the soup!"
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Old 22nd Mar 2018, 02:44
  #11563 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: closer to hell
Age: 47
Posts: 898
Test cricket...
England all out for 58
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Old 22nd Mar 2018, 04:26
  #11564 (permalink)  
TWT
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: troposphere
Posts: 679
3 day neon sign outage at a Kiwi supermarket near Auckland airport :

http://cdn.newsapi.com.au/image/v1/9...9fa9da45df8e80


(There's a reason why I didn't insert the picture directly )
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Old 22nd Mar 2018, 06:58
  #11565 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 886
2CV on the A51 Autoroute between Aix and Marseille yesterday

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Old 22nd Mar 2018, 16:09
  #11566 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Age: 55
Posts: 19
I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver’s friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I’ve had it all my life
It’s better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It’s thirty miles an hour", it says
"You’re doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it’s never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I’m sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey’s pretty fraught
So why don’t I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I’m properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And – keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the darn thing off!
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Old 23rd Mar 2018, 00:46
  #11567 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
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Old 23rd Mar 2018, 12:01
  #11568 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
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Old 23rd Mar 2018, 12:13
  #11569 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 886
Although Jesus was known as a carpenter, he never actually sang on any of their albums.
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Old 24th Mar 2018, 13:43
  #11570 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Surrey
Posts: 155
A Yorkshire bloke Is drinking in a New York bar.... He gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear & orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Yorkie just shrugs, "That's about average up North, folks. Like I said, my boy's a typical Yorkshire baby boy." Congratulations showered him from all around & many exclamations of "WOW!" were heard. One woman actually fainted due to sympathy pains.

Two weeks later the Yorkshire bloke returns to the bar. The bartender says "Say,
you're the father of that typical Yorkshire baby boy that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been makin' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.

We were gonna call you... so how much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled & concerned.

"What happened? He already weighed 25 pounds the day he was born." The Yorkshire father takes a slow gulp from his pint of Tetley's, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve,leans into the bartender & proudly says:



"Had him circumcised".
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Old 24th Mar 2018, 15:40
  #11571 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 803
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Old 25th Mar 2018, 06:41
  #11572 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 886
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Old 25th Mar 2018, 21:01
  #11573 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: apogee
Age: 64
Posts: 57
If they remade "Das Boot".
Would it be called - "Das Re-Boot"?
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Old 25th Mar 2018, 21:12
  #11574 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 886
I finally managed to download the theme music from "Titanic" to my phone, even though some said it was unsyncable.
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Old 26th Mar 2018, 00:57
  #11575 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: fairly close to the colonial capitol
Age: 51
Posts: 1,687
Why do ships in the Norwegian Navy have barcodes painted on their hulls?
So when the come into their home port, they can Scandinavian.
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Old 26th Mar 2018, 01:03
  #11576 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: closer to hell
Age: 47
Posts: 898
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Old 26th Mar 2018, 08:19
  #11577 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: UK
Posts: 1,517
Troppo, They short change you with that kit.............. there's always an 'O' ring missing
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Old 26th Mar 2018, 17:57
  #11578 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 803
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Old 26th Mar 2018, 18:22
  #11579 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: fairly close to the colonial capitol
Age: 51
Posts: 1,687
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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Old 27th Mar 2018, 09:08
  #11580 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Following the sun and skiing... No snow involved just Spending the Kids Inheritance!
Age: 75
Posts: 172
Originally Posted by docbob View Post
I bought a copy of Das Boot. Inside it stated that it had been translated by a New York company, printed in Guernsey. On reading it, I found that it was in Americanese. Spoilt the whole experience.
Don't you mean Americanish?

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