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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 28th Feb 2018, 12:55
  #11481 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Retired to Leafy Bucks
Posts: 94
I like the Harry Potter books and films but I just feel the character Nearly Headless Nick was poorly executed.
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Old 28th Feb 2018, 16:10
  #11482 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: In the workshop, Prune-whispering.
Age: 67
Posts: 740
I went to a marvellous performance by the Bermudan Philharmonic Orchestra last night.
Unfortunately the guy with the triangle disappeared halfway through.
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Old 28th Feb 2018, 17:39
  #11483 (permalink)  
Psychophysiological entity
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Tweet Rob_Benham Famous author. Well, slightly famous.
Age: 80
Posts: 4,728
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
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Old 28th Feb 2018, 21:42
  #11484 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
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Old 1st Mar 2018, 15:56
  #11485 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 993
A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering along the ridge stopped and said, “Look, since you’ll be dead in a few minutes, and it won’t matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?”

She screamed, “NO! Bugger off you filthy old bastard! ”

He shrugged and turned away saying,

"Okay, ... I’ll just go and wait at the bottom.”

She didn’t jump.
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Old 1st Mar 2018, 22:58
  #11486 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
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Old 2nd Mar 2018, 07:06
  #11487 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 633
So, this chicken runs out of KFC...
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Old 2nd Mar 2018, 07:22
  #11488 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 633
Two nuns are driving through the forest in Transylvania in the fading light. Suddenly there is a SPLAT, and a huge hellish bat is stuck to the windscreen, blocking the view forwards. It has red eyes and pointed fangs. They both scream and the driver slams on the brakes, frantically turning on the wipers and pumping the squirters. The bat very slowly works its way across towards the driver's window. "Nothing's working! Do something, anything!" shouts the driver. "Show it your Cross!"


Her companion rolls down the window, leans out, takes a deep breath and shouts, "Get the f&%ck off the bloody windscreen!!!"
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Old 2nd Mar 2018, 11:10
  #11489 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
A man and a woman were having drinks when they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.
The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”
“That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better: your ear or your finger?”
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Old 2nd Mar 2018, 11:22
  #11490 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Age: 56
Posts: 19
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold.

He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side. When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some iced water brought right up." The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveller asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there." The man pointed to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveller gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump." They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveller filled the bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree waiting for them.
"What do you call this place?" the traveller asked.
"This is Heaven," was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveller said "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too?"
"Oh, you mean the place with the pearly gates? Nope. That's Hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but we're just happy that they screen out the folks who'll leave their best friends behind."
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Old 2nd Mar 2018, 11:45
  #11491 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: If this is Tuesday, it must be?
Posts: 556
Actually Heaven and Hell are the same place - if you enjoy partying and orgys then an eternity of sitting on a cloud strumming a harp is quite a punishment...
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Old 2nd Mar 2018, 15:06
  #11492 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Malvern, UK
Posts: 398
Originally Posted by goldfrog View Post
I like the Harry Potter books and films but I just feel the character Nearly Headless Nick was poorly executed.
On a related note: Jim Broadbent is a great actor. He appears in a lot of stuff. In fact he's pretty much ubiquitous on stage and screen. However I think it was only when he was in Harry Potter that you could say he really became part of the furniture!
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Old 2nd Mar 2018, 18:58
  #11493 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: England
Posts: 8
Charles Dickens' A Tale of Two Cities was first serialised in two UK local newspapers. It was the Bicester Times, it was the Worcester Times.
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Old 2nd Mar 2018, 19:24
  #11494 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 900
Without doubt, Robin Williams best film was Mrs fire.
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Old 2nd Mar 2018, 19:35
  #11495 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
Posts: 159
Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one, the black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: The brown one

Farmer: A couple of litres per day

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day

Interviewer: (naturally abit flummoxed) I see and what do you feed them on?

Farmer: Which one, the black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: The brown one

Farmer: Grass

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: Grass

Interviewer: (now annoyed) Why do you keep asking which one, when the answers are the same?

Farmer: Because the black one's mine

Interviewer: Oh, I see, sorry. And who owns the brown one?

Farmer: That one is also mine
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Old 2nd Mar 2018, 19:53
  #11496 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 4,651
two women go to a pub to talk over old times. On the way back they get caught a bit short. They are just passing a graveyard so they nip in there for a wee. In the dark one of them manages to lose her knickers and the other sat on a wreath.

The next day their husbands are in the pub.

"I'm a bit worried about what the girls did last night. Mine came home without her knickers."

"You should worry. Mine had a label stuck to her backside: It said 'From the lads at the Fire Station. We will never forget you'."
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Old 2nd Mar 2018, 21:17
  #11497 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: fairly close to the colonial capitol
Age: 51
Posts: 1,687
Fred, the NSA man walks into a bar after work.
Barman says, "Hey I've got a new joke for you, G-man"
NSA man: "Heard it already."

A screwdriver walks into a bar.
Barman says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you"
Screwdriver says, "You've got a drink named Philip?"

T-shirts seen at the bar:

I am not an Alcoholic.
Alcoholics need a drink.
I already have one.

Don't Drink & Drive.
You might spill your drink!


Originally Posted by sitigeltfel View Post
Without doubt, Robin Williams best film was Mrs fire.
I'm a fan of that one. Good Will Hunting was also a great RW film.
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Old 2nd Mar 2018, 21:19
  #11498 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
Posts: 5,374
A termite walks into a saloon, sees only a waitress, and asks her "is the bar tender here?"
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Old 2nd Mar 2018, 21:21
  #11499 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,152
What's black and white and red all over?















A badger in a tomato fight.
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Old 2nd Mar 2018, 21:32
  #11500 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Wilts
Posts: 126
Originally Posted by LGS6753 View Post
What's black and white and red all over?















A badger in a tomato fight.
It used to be: A nun with a knife in her back. I read it in a newspaper while eating a penguin.
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