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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 4th Jan 2018, 17:08
  #11241 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,509
What a tosser!
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Old 5th Jan 2018, 22:46
  #11242 (permalink)  
Psychophysiological entity
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Tweet Rob_Benham Famous author. Well, slightly famous.
Age: 80
Posts: 4,784
When I said 'Smile', I had hoped you'd put the matador down before turning to camera.

or

Bull wins contest and gurning competition in one move.
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Old 6th Jan 2018, 08:32
  #11243 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Lincolnshire
Age: 76
Posts: 16,646
New Spanish game imported from Scotland. Tossing the chump as suitable trees were in short supply
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Old 6th Jan 2018, 10:47
  #11244 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 670
Hmmmm.... talking about tossing...


Tosser says, 'ugly cow'. Tosser tossed.
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Old 6th Jan 2018, 16:02
  #11245 (permalink)  
Just another erk
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Germany
Age: 73
Posts: 280
Five reasonswhy computers must be female …
  • No one but their creator understands their logic.
  • Even the smallest mistakes areimmediately committed to memory for future reference.
  • The native language used tocommunicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
  • The message, "Bad command orfilename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm madat you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
  • As soon as you make a commitment toone, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it.
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Old 6th Jan 2018, 17:53
  #11246 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
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Old 6th Jan 2018, 21:00
  #11247 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: west aust'
Age: 56
Posts: 33
I met a japanese man who had faked his own death .
no-one bereaved him .
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Old 6th Jan 2018, 22:33
  #11248 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: UK
Posts: 406
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Old 7th Jan 2018, 20:30
  #11249 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver's ear. She said, ''Driver, I believe I've just been sexually harassed!''
The driver didn't think much of her complaint, but promised he would check into it soon. Later that same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear.
''Sir, I believe I've been just been sexually harassed!''
This time, he figured he'd better look into it. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to find out if they knew what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats and stooped down to question him.
''Excuse me sir, can I help you?''
The old man looked up and said, ''Well, son you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it."
The old man continued, "I thought I'd located it twice, but they were both parted in the middle - mine's parted on the side!''
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Old 8th Jan 2018, 09:16
  #11250 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,509
In similar vain: the punch line is "comb yer hair and put yer teeth in."
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Old 8th Jan 2018, 12:39
  #11251 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Marlow
Age: 72
Posts: 314
Cricket - the B all and end all.

An English father goes into his daughter's bedroom and sees a

letter addressed to "Mummy and Daddy" on the bed. With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:





Dearest Mummy & Daddy,



It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice - especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos and his big American motorcycle.



But it's not only that, I'm pregnant and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in the bush. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams, too. I've learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone and we'll be growing it only for us and Ahmed's friends. They're the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS so Ahmed can get better. He really deserves it.



Don't worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jahmal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn 200 per scene, and I get a 200 bonus if there are more than 3 men in the scene and an extra 100 for the sheep.



Don't worry, Mummy, now that I'm 15 I know how to take care of myself. Someday we'll visit you and Daddy so that you can meet your grandchildren.



Your loving daughter,



Sarah





P.S.. Daddy, it's not true - I'm watching television with Jessica and her parents next door.



I just wanted to show you that there really are far worse things in life than England losing The Ashes.
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Old 8th Jan 2018, 15:27
  #11252 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,217
Well if we're going to dig THAT far back into history (it predates AoL releasing all the loons into USENET) we might as well use the original in its entirety:

Dear Mother and Father,

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. Its really a basement room, but its kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We havent set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection, which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections that I am taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your oft-expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin colour is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was no dormitory fire and I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any colour) in my life. However, I am getting a D in History and an F in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.

Yours-

Your Loving Daughter


PDR
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Old 9th Jan 2018, 02:38
  #11253 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: A little south of the "Black Sheep" brewery
Posts: 374
Or going back a bit more in history? 'The Dance of the Hours':
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Old 9th Jan 2018, 04:36
  #11254 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Florida
Age: 47
Posts: 411
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority have recently found over 200 dead crows near Boston recently and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and to everyones relief the cause of death was not avian flu, but appeared to be from vehicular impacts.

However during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paint appeared on the birds beaks and claws. By analyzing the paint colors it was determined that 98% of the deaths had been killed by impacts with trucks whilst the remaining 2% had been killed an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an ornithological behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of trucks versus cars.

He very quickly concluded the following: When crows eat roadkill, one of the flock remains in a tree as a lookout to warn of impending danger.

They very quickly discovered that whilst all the lookout crows could shout "CAH, CAH!" not a single one could shout "TRUCK!"
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Old 9th Jan 2018, 17:28
  #11255 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 61
Posts: 1,000
Apologies If This Has Been Poseted Previously

The Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs !

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention ?"

"Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those ?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name !"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."
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Old 9th Jan 2018, 19:20
  #11256 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Pewsey, UK
Posts: 1,912
I found out the difference between pink and purple recently.

It's down to the grip.
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Old 9th Jan 2018, 19:36
  #11257 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,509
"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

And the punchline is:

"Hello, I'm a wide-eyed big mouth frog." but I forget the beginning; you'll need to help.


During the snow bomb storm on the east coast USA I had a message from friend. He said it was snowing & cold and no where to go. They had stocked up and were camping out, playing games and making music. TV was intermittent. Nothing for the mother-in-law to do but look through the window for couple of days. Perhaps I'll relent and let her in.

Last edited by RAT 5; 9th Jan 2018 at 20:20.
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Old 9th Jan 2018, 20:20
  #11258 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2000
Location: South of England
Posts: 1,074
And the punchline is:

"Hello, I'm a wide-eyed big mouth frog." but I forget the beginning; you'll need to help.
No, no - the punchline is "Not many of us about, you know"

2 s
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Old 10th Jan 2018, 09:14
  #11259 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: A proton gradient.
Posts: 61
No ,no,no. Its, "Not many of them around, are there?"
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Old 10th Jan 2018, 09:17
  #11260 (permalink)  
Gnome de PPRuNe
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 56
Posts: 6,076
The frog joke is the only one my friend Fiona can ever remember. Do you know her?
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