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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 28th Dec 2017, 16:43
  #11201 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 4,643
Reminds me of the Japanese lift that was full of skeletons. They had all insisted that somebody else would be the first one out.
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Old 28th Dec 2017, 16:54
  #11202 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: south of Cirencester, north of Lyneham
Age: 72
Posts: 1,243
When I was a young lad, my parents told me I could name my new pet dog anything I wanted and since I was a mischievous little boy, I decided to name the dog Sex.

It seemed funny at first until you understand all the confusion that this caused me in my later life. Like the day that I went to the council offices to get a dog licence for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a licence for Sex. He said, Id like to have one, too. Then, I said, You dont understand, shes a dog.

He replied, Look man, I dont care how she looks.

No, no, Ive had Sex since I was 5

He replied, You must have been an early bloomer.

When I decided to get married, I told the vicar I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me Id have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didnt want to hear about my personal life.

After my wife and I got married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She replied, Sir, every room in the hotel can be used for sex. I said, You dont understand. Sex keeps me awake at night. The clerk said, Me too

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, Me too.

One day my dog Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight.

I told him, Im looking for Sex. My case comes up next Tuesday.

Now that Ive been thrown in prison, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined.

Im in counselling, my psychiatrist asked me what my problem was.

I said, Sex has left my life. Its like losing a best friend and Im so lonely. He said, Look, you and I both know that sex isnt mans best friend. Why dont you go get yourself a dog.
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Old 28th Dec 2017, 19:02
  #11203 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
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Old 28th Dec 2017, 20:45
  #11204 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
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Old 29th Dec 2017, 13:42
  #11205 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Southwater
Age: 69
Posts: 519
Well if you want to know who loves you more lock your wife and your dog in the boot of your car. Release them after thirty minutes and see who's more pleased to see you.
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Old 29th Dec 2017, 19:29
  #11206 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
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Old 30th Dec 2017, 14:31
  #11207 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Wherever someone will pay me to do fun stuff
Posts: 1,112
A wee granny telephoned the Royal Infirmary Hospital and timidly asked "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?

"The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number?"

The granny in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Katie Findlay, Room 32". The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Good news. Her nurse has told me that Katie is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine. Her blood test just came back as normal, and her consultant, Dr. Sutherland, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow".

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Katie your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No - A'm Katie Findlay in Room 32. No one tells me anything in here."
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Old 30th Dec 2017, 19:57
  #11208 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
Man goes up the reception desk of the sperm donation clinic. After filling in some paperwork the young female receptionist says "I'd like you to masturbate in the cup."
The man replies "Sorry, this is my first visit and I don't think that I'm ready for competition just yet."
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Old 30th Dec 2017, 20:29
  #11209 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,510
From the oldie days: A medical examination and the doctor says, "I need to you give me a urine sample in the cup over there." & "From here, if you give me a stool I've got a chance."
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Old 30th Dec 2017, 20:31
  #11210 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,510
And: relevant for New Years morning, as a driver is stopped going the wrong way down a one-way street. Plod: " 'xcuse me sir, did you not see the arrows?" "Eh? arrows? I didn't even see the indians."
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Old 30th Dec 2017, 20:34
  #11211 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 475
Gynaecologist to female patient: "Have you had a check up here before?"
"No, just a couple of Poles and a German."
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Old 30th Dec 2017, 22:14
  #11212 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: The Fletcher Memorial Home
Age: 54
Posts: 302
Woman walks up to the reception of a sperm donor clinic, and stares at the receptionist without saying anything. The receptionist asks if she can help the woman, but the woman just looks at her, not saying a word.

The receptionist repeatedly asks the woman how she can help, and did she know this was a sperm donor clinic? Again the woman stood there and said nothing, so in desperation the receptionist called her manager. The manager came out to the desk, and after being appraised of the situation took the woman to one side.

After some time, the manager came back and explained that yes the woman did know it was a sperm donor clinic and didn't the receptionists mother not teach her it was rude to talk with your mouth full......
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Old 30th Dec 2017, 22:30
  #11213 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
Posts: 699
Doctor;
"Please take off all your clothes"
"Where shall I put them?"
"Over there on top of mine"

First heard when I was 14 years old but, hey, it's Christmas Time.
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Old 31st Dec 2017, 00:36
  #11214 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Sydney Oz
Posts: 90
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making sex to a very beautiful woman.

“You son of a bitch ” she cried. “How can you cheat me – faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce!”

And the husband replied “Wait a minute love,I can explain you what happened.”

“Fine, right on,” she said, “but this will be the last conversation between us!”

And the husband began: “Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked for into car. She looked so bad and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for two days! So, in my mercy, I brought her home and warmed up the meatballs I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. She ate them in seconds.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I tossed out her dirty and full of holes clothes Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t use because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your birthday present, which you don’t use because I don’t have good taste.I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the luxury boutique and don’t use because someone at work has a pair the same.”

Man took a quick breath and continued to talking – “She was so grateful for my help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, ‘Please …do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?”
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Old 31st Dec 2017, 06:58
  #11215 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 899
I arranged one of those fish pedicures for the wife as a Christmas present. The results were fantastic.

Those Piranhas don't muck about.
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Old 1st Jan 2018, 16:44
  #11216 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Boston
Age: 68
Posts: 430
Another old one from the medical files:

Father takes his son to the Doctor for his first sports/big boy physical,

Doctor performs the "Turn your head and cough" check for a hernia with no warning of what to expect.

The father seeing the panicked look on the boy's face tries to reassure him.

"Relax son, he is just checking to make sure all four are there".

Sometimes humor is not the best medicine
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Old 2nd Jan 2018, 12:28
  #11217 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
BEER - BY SEVEN YEAR OLDS

A handful of 7 year old children in Australia were asked what they thought of beer. There were some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

'I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.' --Tim, 7 years old

'Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.' --Melanie, 7 years old

'My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think it is very funny.' --Grady, 7 years old

''My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.' --Toby, 7 years old

'My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.' --Lily, 7 years old

'I don't like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.' --Ethan, 7 years old

'I give Dad's beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.' --Shirley, 7 years old

AND THE BEST RESPONSE 'My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense.' --Jack, 7 years
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Old 2nd Jan 2018, 16:48
  #11218 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
Posts: 699
Local doctor interviewed recently and asked how he tackled the problem of excess drinking during the Christmas period;
"I chew a mint and try not to breath on the patients" he said.
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Old 2nd Jan 2018, 20:39
  #11219 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
ricardian is offline  
Old 3rd Jan 2018, 12:48
  #11220 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: East of Edenbridge
Age: 58
Posts: 85
Caption anybody?

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