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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 13th Dec 2017, 17:22
  #11161 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: A little south of the "Black Sheep" brewery
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(Don't know if this one's been here before, but 'tis the season...)

A girl goes into Santa's Grotto and when her turn comes to sit on his knee he asks her "Now young lady, what would you like for Christmas?"

With a serious look she replies firmly "Barbie and Action Man".

Santa is a bit surprised and says "Don't you mean Barbie and Ken?"

She says with confidence "No, Barbie and Action Man!"

Santa says "But Barbie doesn't come with Action Man, Barbie comes with Ken!"

She looks at him and replies very seriously "Barbie comes with Action Man. Barbie only fakes with Ken"!!
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Old 13th Dec 2017, 20:30
  #11162 (permalink)  
 
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Old 14th Dec 2017, 09:46
  #11163 (permalink)  
 
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Old 14th Dec 2017, 21:04
  #11164 (permalink)  
 
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A man walks into a pub, goes up to the bar.
"Pint of yer best," he says to the barman. While waiting for his drink he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables. He goes up to him and asks,
"Are you Vincent Van Gogh?"
"Yes."
"Do you want a pint?"
"No thanks, I've got one ear."
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Old 15th Dec 2017, 06:44
  #11165 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: new zealand
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Why was the washing-machine laughing.


Cause it was taking the p.i.s.s out of the knickers
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Old 15th Dec 2017, 06:56
  #11166 (permalink)  
 
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Old 15th Dec 2017, 08:55
  #11167 (permalink)  
Man Bilong Balus long PNG
 
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Barbie comes with Action Man. Barbie only fakes with Ken"!!
Which reminded me of an incident long long ago (I was about 12 years old at the time) and my Parents took me along to visit some Family friends. These Friends had two Daughters near my age.

I was invited into their bedroom to play a game of Monopoly. (Honest!!!)

Situated upon the top of a chest of drawers near one of the beds were Ken and Barbie. In the 'Missionary' position!

Many, many years later I discovered that it was supposed to be a hint to me from the eldest Daughter! Of course I didn't know!!!!
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Old 15th Dec 2017, 19:29
  #11168 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
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Dont ya hate learning that all these years later.
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Old 15th Dec 2017, 21:02
  #11169 (permalink)  
Just another erk
 
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VApilot2004, do you mean Santa is a politician.
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Old 16th Dec 2017, 12:35
  #11170 (permalink)  
 
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Old 16th Dec 2017, 15:08
  #11171 (permalink)  
 
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Old 16th Dec 2017, 15:49
  #11172 (permalink)  
 
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A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over
here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to
get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her And says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to Assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax.
Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


Now:
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."


cornflakes.png
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Old 16th Dec 2017, 15:58
  #11173 (permalink)  
 
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Well that's sorted, so now I can look forward to a Christmas binge AND keep a NY resolution.


weight loss.jpg
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Old 16th Dec 2017, 18:45
  #11174 (permalink)  
 
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Old 16th Dec 2017, 21:24
  #11175 (permalink)  
 
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I've been invited to attend an autopsy. Not sure if I'll go. Remains to be seen.
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Old 17th Dec 2017, 09:45
  #11176 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
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I just got back from a friends funeral who sadly drowned last week.

I took a load of abuse for my floral tribute, that was in the shape of a life jacket.

But as I said to everyone at the service, it's what he would've wanted...
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Old 17th Dec 2017, 10:10
  #11177 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
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A passenger taps his cabbie on the shoulder when he sees his stop coming up. The cab driver jerks the wheel and they bounce off the curb, nearly hitting a magazine stand.

Joe: "I'm sorry I didn't meant to startle you"
Cabbie: "Oh no, I'm sorry. I'm new at this. This is my first day."
Joe: "Well that 's understandable. What did you do before?"
Cabbie: "I was a funereal van driver for eight years."
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Old 17th Dec 2017, 10:48
  #11178 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
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Jokes getting worse this weekend? No, I'm joking.
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Old 18th Dec 2017, 21:16
  #11179 (permalink)  
 
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Old 19th Dec 2017, 02:19
  #11180 (permalink)  
 
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