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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 4th Dec 2017, 19:39
  #11141 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,509
OK: so wat is the difference between a Hippo & a Zippo? Uh? One is a very heavy lump and the other is a little lighter. Boom boom.
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Old 5th Dec 2017, 22:53
  #11142 (permalink)  
 
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Old 6th Dec 2017, 08:57
  #11143 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: UK
Posts: 319
Originally Posted by Ogre View Post
Seeing as we are approaching the festive season, did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa
Or the dyslexic drunk who choked on his own Vimto.

Thangggyooo.
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Old 6th Dec 2017, 13:06
  #11144 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Unexpected item in the Amazon box!
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Old 6th Dec 2017, 14:05
  #11145 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,306
Grandmother gave granddaughter, 9, 'Stress Willy' by accident | Metro News


Amazon told me I could keep the item but what am I going to do with it. Its no use to me, the grandmother said.
her husband can use it to excercise his arthritic hands
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Old 6th Dec 2017, 14:09
  #11146 (permalink)  
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‘Amazon told me I could keep the item but what am I going to do with it. It’s no use to me,’ the grandmother said.
Too small??
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Old 7th Dec 2017, 17:05
  #11147 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 9th Dec 2017, 04:12
  #11148 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Northern Victoria
Age: 77
Posts: 11
Yesterday I saw a dyslexic Yorkshireman wearing a cat flap!
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Old 9th Dec 2017, 06:30
  #11149 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
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Old 9th Dec 2017, 08:07
  #11150 (permalink)  
Paid...Persona Grata
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Between BHX and EMA
Age: 74
Posts: 236
New keyboard needed, Siti.
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Old 9th Dec 2017, 11:54
  #11151 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Near the watter...
Age: 73
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Old 9th Dec 2017, 23:57
  #11152 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Middle America
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Old 12th Dec 2017, 17:39
  #11153 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: East Angular - apparently!
Posts: 634
A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter
over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing
at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip.
Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so
mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over
to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises
a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't. Yervaise goes back to
the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it.
Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher,
he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and
Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up.
Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it
either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry
and he can't eat it.
The moral of the story?... ..

Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.

(Those who live outside of these shores will probably not understand this joke, for which I apologise. It is the catch-line to a UK TV advert for washing-up liquid)
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Old 12th Dec 2017, 22:32
  #11154 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
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Old 13th Dec 2017, 00:19
  #11155 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 730
What is a 'likeable' feminist?


(highlight to see answer in invisible ink below)


One who goes after an untouchable politician.
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Old 13th Dec 2017, 07:15
  #11156 (permalink)  
Gnome de PPRuNe
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 56
Posts: 6,618
Haven't seen this one before...

image1.png
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Old 13th Dec 2017, 07:38
  #11157 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Malvern, UK
Posts: 404
A billion neutrinos walk into a bar and ask for a pint.

The local drunk propping up the bar says to the barman "Very quiet in here tonight".
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Old 13th Dec 2017, 09:30
  #11158 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Hampshire
Age: 73
Posts: 796
What's got 14 windows that will never be opened?
Keith Chegwin's advent calendar.
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Old 13th Dec 2017, 12:55
  #11159 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 13th Dec 2017, 14:09
  #11160 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: east sussex
Age: 60
Posts: 17
Recently Ive been getting increasingly annoyed about next doors cat taking a dump on my lawn. Ive tried everything to dissuade it, but nothing seems to work. Finally I thought, Ive had enough of this, Ill just tarmac the damned thing and be done.






So, now Ive got this shiny black cat statue.
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