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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 2nd Dec 2017, 11:14
  #11121 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 1999
Location: Swindon, Wilts,UK
Posts: 563
Originally Posted by Zeus
Looks complicated!
And illegal due to the possibility of back contamination. (The water main not the user)
It also brings back memories of the train axle haemorrhoids joke!
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Old 2nd Dec 2017, 11:17
  #11122 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
 
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Location: Lincolnshire
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Posts: 16,646
144volts around one's nether regions could be a bit extreme. The previous picture showed the brush driven by a belt and on closer look you can make out the bracket.

I wonder if the speed is fast or variable? As the brush rotates towards the back of the bowl, anything dropped on to the brush will hit the lid or stick in the brush. As the rotating brush will have a similar effect to a fan, when the . . . hits the fan.
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Old 2nd Dec 2017, 11:17
  #11123 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,215
Does it have a "weight on wheel" sensor?
Does it have a warning horn and/or stick-shaker for excessive angle of attack?
Are the controls more direct in alternate law?

[for the trekies]:
Is is guaranteed to wipe out klingons?

PDR
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Old 2nd Dec 2017, 11:22
  #11124 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,219
and what about fail-safe features equiv to flying?
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Old 2nd Dec 2017, 11:41
  #11125 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2000
Location: Cambridge, England, EU
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Originally Posted by jolihokistix View Post
Actually, just buy a Washlet. The Japanese have got this market sewn up. The lights come on when you open the door, and the top lid lifts automatically. All is warm, including the seat, and the jets and sprays, and the hot air drier afterwards.
All of which is predicated, as is the appallingly poor insulation of many of their buildings, on infinite free nuclear electricity ... which is no longer available since Fukushima, giving them something of a problem.

Personally I found some of the heated loo seats far too hot to be comfortable and always turned them off as the first thing I did when getting into a new hotel room.

The Burmese approach - a hand-operated spray - is far simply and doesn't consume vast amounts of electricity.
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Old 2nd Dec 2017, 12:30
  #11126 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
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Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, “how do you stay in such great physical condition?”
“I'm Italian and I am a golfer,” says Silvio, “and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.”
“Well” says the doctor, “I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?”
“Who said he was dead?”
The doctor is amazed. “You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?”
“He's 100 years old,” says Silvio. “In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino, that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.”
“Well,” the doctor says, “that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?”
“Who said my grandfather’s dead?”
Stunned, the doctor asks, ”You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?”
“He's 118 years old,” says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, “So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?”
“No, No. He couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.”
At this point the doctor is close to losing it, “Getting married? Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?”
“Who said he wanted to?”
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Old 2nd Dec 2017, 13:52
  #11127 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
 
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Age: 76
Posts: 16,646
For simplicity I liked one I saw in Egypt. Copper tube under seat and pointed in strategic direction, stop cock in easy reach. Guess one needed to ensure mains pressure was not too high.
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Old 2nd Dec 2017, 14:12
  #11128 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Lincolnshire
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Originally Posted by Gertrude the Wombat View Post
The Burmese approach - a hand-operated spray - is far simply and doesn't consume vast amounts of electricity.
Ah yes, flit.
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Old 2nd Dec 2017, 14:26
  #11129 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Balikpapan, INDONESIA
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Originally Posted by Pontius Navigator View Post
For simplicity I liked one I saw in Egypt. Copper tube under seat and pointed in strategic direction, stop cock in easy reach. Guess one needed to ensure mains pressure was not too high.
Saw an incident with one of those in a large toilet in an up-market hotel in Indonesia.
Japanese acquaintance, out of curiosity, and while standing to the side. turned on the stop-cock to observe the stream which turned out to be much stronger than anticipated.
Said stream exited the cubicle door and hit second (senior) Japanese acquaintance fair in the back of the head as he stood at the urinal located against the adjacent wall.

Much bowing and hai, hai, hai-ing later and it became the source of much hilarity.

As for the the simple hose sprayer, I have fitted them to the WC's in my home in Australia. Purchased in Makassar, they greatly reduce the need for the big toothbrush.
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Old 2nd Dec 2017, 14:37
  #11130 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: West Wiltshire, UK
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Originally Posted by Gertrude the Wombat View Post

The Burmese approach - a hand-operated spray - is far simply and doesn't consume vast amounts of electricity.
I fitted a "bum gun" to one of the bathrooms in our new house. I got the idea from a Muslim friend, as these things are common in modern Muslim households as a way to meet the requirements of being clean before prayer.

There's no way I could now go back to the filthy practice of smearing excrement around with a bit of toilet paper.

These things aren't very expensive, are reasonably easy to retrofit and give a thermostatically controlled water temperature, so are comfortable to use. The only thing to remember is to let it run for a few seconds to get warm before use, in our case the bathroom it's in is right next to the hot water source, so the warm up time is very quick.
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Old 2nd Dec 2017, 16:41
  #11131 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
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I recently spent £6,500 on a young registered Hereford bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him.
He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day. The bull started to service the cows within two days - ALL my cows! He then broke through the fence and serviced all my neighbour's cows. He's like a machine!
I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him but they taste a bit like peppermint...
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Old 2nd Dec 2017, 16:59
  #11132 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
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ricardian,

And what effect did they have on you?!!
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Old 2nd Dec 2017, 17:07
  #11133 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
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I can envisage ricardian servicing all the local cows,

Last edited by funfly; 2nd Dec 2017 at 17:08. Reason: edited to add, could you send me a few. FF
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Old 2nd Dec 2017, 21:50
  #11134 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Age: 76
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Old 2nd Dec 2017, 22:05
  #11135 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: On the Edge
Posts: 42
Not sure if this is meant to be a jokes thread, some of them are a bit mince. This one is quality and also has an aviation slant.

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking greyhound For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking greyhound sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the greyhound.
"Yes," the greyhound replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the greyhound talk, he man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The greyhound looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.
"In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a greyhound would be eavesdropping.
"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the greyhound.

"Ten quid," the owner says.
"£10!!? But this greyhound is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"


"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden"
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Old 3rd Dec 2017, 01:48
  #11136 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Middle America
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If the fog settles in on Christmas Eve, you may not get any presents...

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Old 3rd Dec 2017, 05:47
  #11137 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
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Back in the day when Alex Ferguson managed Man U, the club scouts identify a brilliant young Nigerian player and sign him up.

The first training session gets underway. The young African lad is standing with the rest of the team and Ferguson places a ball on the ground. "This is "ball", understand? Over there is "goal"" he says, pointing to the goal. He then swings his leg in a kicking motion and "Kick...yes?" "KIIIICK". "Kick....ball...goooooal!"

At this point the Nigerian lad plucks up courage and protests..."Please Mr Ferguson, my English is very good, there is no need to speak to me like that, it is quite patronis....".

"Pipe down lad, I'm talking to Rooney....."
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Old 3rd Dec 2017, 21:20
  #11138 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
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Old 4th Dec 2017, 10:10
  #11139 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
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Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.
The barman says, "Olive or twist?"
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Old 4th Dec 2017, 20:12
  #11140 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wild West Yorkshire
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Author J. M. Barrie was once asked by a lady at a dinner party if all of his works were successful, he replied: "No madam, some peter out and some pan out."
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