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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 8th Nov 2017, 11:36
  #11001 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: England
Posts: 355
Hilarious Joke: Two Irish men in Space | Meanwhile in Ireland
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Old 8th Nov 2017, 15:58
  #11002 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
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When I was young I used to think that earwigs actually tried to burrow into your ears.

You can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.
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Old 8th Nov 2017, 16:11
  #11003 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,350
When I was young I used to think that earwigs actually tried to burrow into your ears.

You can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.
and pussy willows?
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Old 8th Nov 2017, 18:19
  #11004 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 61
Posts: 5,594
Originally Posted by lomapaseo View Post
and pussy willows?
Those I imagine he tried to pluck.
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Old 9th Nov 2017, 07:10
  #11005 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 65
Posts: 62
Originally Posted by lomapaseo View Post
and pussy willows?
I've often dreamed of being attacked by a pair of Great tits.
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Old 9th Nov 2017, 07:27
  #11006 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: At My Desk
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Don't talk to me about analysts though
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Old 9th Nov 2017, 10:04
  #11007 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: QLD - where drivers are yet to realise that the left lane goes to their destination too.
Posts: 2,338
Hilarious must mean something else in Ireland.
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Old 9th Nov 2017, 11:15
  #11008 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: England
Posts: 355
Originally Posted by Traffic_Is_Er_Was View Post
Hilarious must mean something else in Ireland.
It's the way they tell them.
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Old 9th Nov 2017, 23:53
  #11009 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Southern Sun
Posts: 417
The Bible and the Haircut

The Bible and the Haircut

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and inquired of his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son.
"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
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Old 10th Nov 2017, 03:46
  #11010 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Southern Sun
Posts: 417
followed by an Irish joke.....

An Irish doctor wanted to get off work and go golfing, so he approached his young assistant.

“Seamus, I am going golfing tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” answers Seamus.

The doctor went golfing and returned the following day and asks: ”So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients. “The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”
“Bravo, and the second one?” asked the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Maalox, sir.” said Seamus.
“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” asked the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered.
Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything and lied down on the table and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”
“Good Lord, Seamus, what did you do?!” asked the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.”
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Old 10th Nov 2017, 07:51
  #11011 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Yorks
Age: 60
Posts: 328
A new book release..soon to hit the shelves (or not).
Attached Images
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Old 10th Nov 2017, 12:15
  #11012 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,004
Irish Compassion

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.
I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board,
and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals.
I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:
"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.
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Old 10th Nov 2017, 18:19
  #11013 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 4,953
An Aer Lingus flight was winging its way from Dublin to New York. There was a sudden rumble and then it was quiet. The captain came on the public address.
“I’m sorry, ladies and gentlemen, but one of our engines had failed. Don’t worry about it, the aircraft can fly quite happily on three engines but it will take us a bit longer to reach New York.”

Half an hour later there was another rumble and the captain came on again.
“We have lost another engine but it will fly quite happily on two but we will be even later arriving at New York.”

This was followed by another thump and this time the captain seemed quite worried.
“We are down to one engine so we will have to descend and proceed slowly so it will be some time before we arrive in New York.”

Seamus turned to Paddy
“Begorra, I hope the last engine doesn’t fail otherwise we will be up here all day.”
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Old 10th Nov 2017, 19:25
  #11014 (permalink)  

Nigerian In Law
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Haven't been there, never done that.
Age: 62
Posts: 1,004
Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant.

My six-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace.

As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, and I would even thank you more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert.
And liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby, I heard a woman remark, "That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my grand-son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"

As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job, and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my grand-son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."

"Really?" my grand-son asked.

"Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."

Naturally, I bought my grand-children ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his for a moment, and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.

He picked up his sundae and, without a word, walked over and placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you. Shove it up your ass you grouchy old bitch! "

Touches the heart doesn't it?
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Old 11th Nov 2017, 09:01
  #11015 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 82
Posts: 698
N.E.O.
Probably the un-funyest joke I've heard for a long time
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Old 11th Nov 2017, 09:22
  #11016 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: Germany
Age: 72
Posts: 1,561
No, it's hilarious!

There's that schmaltzy build-up to the feel-good cliché ending, when that bitch takes the gift from the sweet little kid, bursts into tears, and then decides to become some sort of tedious ray of sunshine for the rest of her days. Instead, the kid just smacks her down, Pow!

It's like that inspirational book, Life Begins at Forty, Too Bad You Are Fifty.
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Old 11th Nov 2017, 09:39
  #11017 (permalink)  
Gnome de PPRuNe
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 56
Posts: 6,909
Made me laugh. I've forwarded it to a friend, I'll bet she laughed too.
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Old 11th Nov 2017, 10:41
  #11018 (permalink)  
419
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: London
Posts: 403
This has probably been posted before (but I'm not going through 550 pages to check).

After World War II, an American soldier was going back to London from the front. He was on a very crowded train, and was looking for a seat, but the only empty one was next to an older lady, and she had her pet poodle on it. He said,
“Please, madam, I'm very tired. May I please sit here?”
The lady replied,
“No. My precious little poodle, Miss Fluffy, is sitting here.”

The soldier walked the length of the train again with no luck, so he went back to the same seat next to the same woman and said,
"Please, Madam, I have been fighting at the front for months, my feet hurt and I'm very tired. May I please sit here?”
The woman told him,
“I cannot believe how rude you are! I have already told you that my darling little Miss Fluffy is sitting here.”
At that, the American lost his temper, picked up the poodle and threw it out the window.

An elderly man who was sitting across the compartment looked at the American soldier and said,
“You Americans do everything wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you eat with the wrong hand and now you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!”
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Old 12th Nov 2017, 10:36
  #11019 (permalink)  
Just another erk
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Germany
Age: 73
Posts: 280
A General retired after 35 years and realized his life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's bird dog, "Sarge." The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price. A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting, and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. "What happened to ol' "Sarge?" he asked. "Had to shoot him," grumbled the General. A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all the dog would do was sit on his ass and bark."
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Old 13th Nov 2017, 10:39
  #11020 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Moscow, Russia
Posts: 1,011
Drunken husbands are not allowed in cabin luggage!

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