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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 16th May 2012, 05:57
  #1081 (permalink)  
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Location: Botswana & Greece
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Posts: 940
Crossing the road

Posted before, I am sure, but still a classic.

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Old 16th May 2012, 09:31
  #1082 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 1998
Location: Formerly of Nam
Posts: 1,595
- a nice bottom

- wearing a thong

- imagine her naked

That's all I noticed. Does the rest matter?
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Old 16th May 2012, 10:32
  #1083 (permalink)  

Ich bin ein Prooner.
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Home of the Full Monty.
Posts: 507
bearing down on her
What a tantalising thought!
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Old 16th May 2012, 10:40
  #1084 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Edinburgh and 3C
Age: 68
Posts: 195
- a nice bottom
WAAAYYY understated there, Slash; that's righteous booty, that is.
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Old 16th May 2012, 11:59
  #1085 (permalink)  
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That's a Strategic Arms Limitation Treaty bottom, that is. Subject to an End User Certificate at least.

OMG ! End User Certificate ! I hadn't realised.....

Last edited by OFSO; 16th May 2012 at 12:21.
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Old 16th May 2012, 12:59
  #1086 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 1998
Location: Formerly of Nam
Posts: 1,595
that's righteous booty, that is.
..True. Its often said a bodacious butt like that is indicative of
God's finest handiwork. But I say it's bullshit - no God would
have imagination enough. And besides he's a tit man like me.

It's obviously the Devil's creation. Only He knows what blokes
really like. I mean look at that yummy bum again - its saying
nay screaming "c'mon now....take a walk on the wild side!"

Last edited by Slasher; 16th May 2012 at 12:59.
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Old 16th May 2012, 14:07
  #1087 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Bucks, UK
Posts: 265
I take it we're still talking about the white trousers picture in post 1116 ...
Not the red shorts picture in post 1114 ...
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Old 16th May 2012, 14:28
  #1088 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Edinburgh and 3C
Age: 68
Posts: 195
"c'mon now....take a walk on the wild side!"
... and howl like Cerebus while yer at it!
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Old 16th May 2012, 15:21
  #1089 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,897
The female form is proof that God is, in fact, a town planner.

Who else would put the pleasure gardens between the sewage farm and the waterworks?
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Old 16th May 2012, 15:53
  #1090 (permalink)  
 
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Location: CYZV
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The female form is proof that God is, in fact, a town planner.
Who else would put the pleasure gardens between the sewage farm and the waterworks?
So that's who planned Attawapiskat.

Here ya go Slash, keep ya busy on a layover.

Girls In Yoga Pants.

Last edited by pigboat; 16th May 2012 at 15:55.
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Old 16th May 2012, 16:33
  #1091 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Lemonia. Best Greek in the world
Posts: 1,669

amazingly simple home remedies:

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily thought:

Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.



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Old 17th May 2012, 22:58
  #1092 (permalink)  
 
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Location: Middle America
Age: 80
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A Great Weekend

A balding, white haired man from Naples, Florida, walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

'I know,' said the old man,

'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'
See......Not All Seniors Are Senile
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Old 17th May 2012, 23:06
  #1093 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Middle America
Age: 80
Posts: 1,158
A Golf Poem

In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere.
By Its Size I Could Not Guess
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess. But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell, I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game. It Rules My Mind For Hours On End; A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry, And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises Me A Thing Called Par, If I Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land, It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow.

Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs and losers of balls!

A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found that golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.

This means that, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Kind of makes you feel proud.
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Old 18th May 2012, 00:11
  #1094 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: BHX
Posts: 418
A woman answered the phone one night.

A pervert said "I bet you have a nice tight [email protected] with no hair."

The woman calmly replied "Yes, he's sat in front of the TV. Who should I say is calling?"
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Old 18th May 2012, 04:46
  #1095 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 1998
Location: Formerly of Nam
Posts: 1,595
... and howl like Cerebus while yer at it!
What? The aardvark?

Cerebus is an amoral character and is often foul-mouthed and
uncouth, has a vicious bloody temper and loves getting drunk.

I'm nothing like Cerebus - he's a full 3 feet shorter than me!
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Old 18th May 2012, 07:30
  #1096 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Cape Town / UK / Europe
Posts: 728
Warning - Swearing at Work

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.

Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.


1.
Try Saying:
I think you could do with more training
Instead Of:
You don't have a f***ing clue, do you?

2.
Try Saying:
She's an aggressive go-getter
Instead Of:
She's a f***ing power-crazy b*tch

3.
Try Saying:
Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of:
And when the f*** do you expect me to do this?

4.
Try Saying:
I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of:
F*** off a*se- hole

5.
Try Saying:
Really?
Instead Of:
Well f*** me backwards with a telegraph pole

6.
Try Saying:
Perhaps you should check with..
Instead Of:
Tell someone who gives a f***.

7.
Try Saying:
I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of:
Not my f***ing problem.

8.
Try Saying:
That's interesting.
Instead Of:
What the f***?

9.
Try Saying:
I'm not sure this can be implemented
Within the given timescale.

Instead Of:
No f***ing chance mate.

10.
Try Saying:
It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of:
Why the f*** didn't you tell me that yesterday?

11.
Try Saying:
He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of:
He's got his head up his f***ing a*se.

12.
Try Saying:
Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of:
Oi, f*** face

13.
Try Saying:
Of course, I was only going
To be at home anyway

Instead Of:
Yeah, who needs f***ing holidays anyway.
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Old 18th May 2012, 07:39
  #1097 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Edinburgh and 3C
Age: 68
Posts: 195
What? The aardvark?
Didn't know about Cerebus the aardvark, and I'm clearly incapable of typing Cerberus.
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Old 19th May 2012, 00:26
  #1098 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Singapore
Age: 59
Posts: 386
The Olympic flame will not pass through Norwich..

They don't want to risk the Torch Bearer being tried for Witchcraft.
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Old 19th May 2012, 04:15
  #1099 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 1998
Location: Formerly of Nam
Posts: 1,595
Didn't know about Cerebus the aardvark, and I'm clearly incapable of typing Cerberus.
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH
it is to funny !!!!!
Looks like your brought the house down with that one Magnus.

To funny, to wit - to humor?
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Old 19th May 2012, 04:20
  #1100 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 92
yeah, poor doggie.
The tall one must be you, Slash?

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