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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 29th Aug 2017, 07:36
  #10761 (permalink)  
Join Date: Oct 2000
Location: Southern Sun
Posts: 414
Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business fell, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck!"
Gently stroking his fevered forehead his wife quietly whispered "Hush, Darling, just relax and let the poison work"
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Old 29th Aug 2017, 11:27
  #10762 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 902
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Old 29th Aug 2017, 16:28
  #10763 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
Did you know that in Iceland it is illegal to have sex whilst drunk? I'm not sure about Tesco & Asda but it's probably the same.
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Old 30th Aug 2017, 11:23
  #10764 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
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Old 30th Aug 2017, 13:10
  #10765 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 55
Posts: 35
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Old 30th Aug 2017, 18:13
  #10766 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 55
Posts: 35
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Old 31st Aug 2017, 01:54
  #10767 (permalink)  
Psychophysiological entity
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Tweet Rob_Benham Famous author. Well, slightly famous.
Age: 80
Posts: 4,756
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude".

"You must be a technician." said the balloonist. "I am" replied the man "how did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip with your talk."

The man below responded, "You must be in management". "I am" replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the man "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my ******* fault!
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Old 31st Aug 2017, 17:58
  #10768 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
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Old 2nd Sep 2017, 06:15
  #10769 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
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Old 2nd Sep 2017, 13:38
  #10770 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,166
Thanks to dsc810 who posted this cracker on another thread:
Q: What is the difference between a Mercedes and a Skoda
A: Diana would not be seen dead in the back of a Skoda
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Old 2nd Sep 2017, 14:35
  #10771 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
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Old 2nd Sep 2017, 15:37
  #10772 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,509
"Sex after Surgery".

A man has started to sue his local hospital saying that after surgery his wife has lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied that his wife had been admitted for only cataract surgery. It had been successful and full sight had been restored.
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Old 3rd Sep 2017, 23:03
  #10773 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
For those of a certain age

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Old 4th Sep 2017, 14:16
  #10774 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,166
Apologies if posted previously:

Moments before the Battle of Trafalgar.
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir.."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): “ England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability." "What gobbledygook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We be an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free work environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. 'Tis part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it - full speed ahead!"
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there be a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. “Give me a report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "'Tain't possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. There’s no harness, and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He be busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle, Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is underrepresented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats and sunscreen. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men be bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "'Tisn't that, sir. 'Tis just that they be afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There be a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish be our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report and an ethnicity equality re-training course"
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; 'tis the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum be off the menu! And there be a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe 'tis now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case . . . kiss me, Hardy."
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Old 4th Sep 2017, 17:27
  #10775 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Canada/Malaysia
Age: 79
Posts: 118

...be careful what you wish for...
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Old 4th Sep 2017, 20:15
  #10776 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Here
Age: 42
Posts: 13
The Magnificent Seven were booked to film some aftershave adverts in Liverpool, but only six of them showed up.

Yul never wore Cologne.
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Old 5th Sep 2017, 02:31
  #10777 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Florida
Age: 47
Posts: 411
A Roman walks in to a bar and asks for a martinus.

"Do you mean a martini?" asks the barman.

The Roman replies "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"
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Old 5th Sep 2017, 09:21
  #10778 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: uk
Posts: 1,636
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Old 5th Sep 2017, 09:36
  #10779 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,206
Well yes - a clear case of quidquid latine dictum sit altum sonatur.

(Est via dicam eis)

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Old 5th Sep 2017, 10:00
  #10780 (permalink)  

Gentleman Aviator
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Teetering Towers - somewhere in the Shires
Age: 70
Posts: 3,392
Whilst JC (the Roman one) may have said: "Veni, vidi, vici", his raping and pillaging legionaires preferred "Vidi, vici, veni"
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