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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 26th May 2017, 08:51
  #10221 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,509
Sorry I don't have any photos. Must look deeper. You'll have to use your imagination, carefully, and preferably in a cold dark room.

I saw a bunch of well endowed Dutch ladies with the ever obvious T-shirt message that;

"Not everything in Holland is flat."

I came over all funny for a moment.
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Old 26th May 2017, 09:12
  #10222 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 26th May 2017, 11:10
  #10223 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
I suffer from diarrhoea, my dad suffers from diarrhoea, my grandad suffers from diarrhoea and so does my great-grandad
.........
Runs in the family
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Old 26th May 2017, 11:17
  #10224 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,279
Runs in the jeans...
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Old 26th May 2017, 11:50
  #10225 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 71
Posts: 1,801
Fred said to Jimmy, "My brother's swallowed a box of firecrackers!"

Jimmy says, "Cripes! Is he alright??"

Fred says, "I guess so! We haven't heard any reports about him!"
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Old 26th May 2017, 11:59
  #10226 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
I had my leg X-rayed and the doctor said: 'Your patella measures exactly 2.54cm'.
I said: 'Inch-high knees?'
He said: '您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.'
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Old 26th May 2017, 13:52
  #10227 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: San Jose
Posts: 726
Doctor: Tell me sir, when did you first realise you had diarrhoea?

Man: When I took my bike clips off.
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Old 26th May 2017, 14:12
  #10228 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 742
ricardian, very good, and the doctor's answer is correct!
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Old 26th May 2017, 14:22
  #10229 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
I phoned the wife last night and asked her if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home. I think she still regrets letting me name the twins!
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Old 26th May 2017, 14:31
  #10230 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 742
Ah good, at least you can tell this one in the pub.
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Old 26th May 2017, 19:17
  #10231 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
A longer, rather heart-warming story this time about something that happened at an assisted living centre. The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the hand rail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he just wanted his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast. When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him.
A couple of hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
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Old 26th May 2017, 21:56
  #10232 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
I've just had a phone call from the Russian bride mail order service. They've run out of Russians but have sent an alternative nationality. Apparently my Czech is in the post...
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Old 27th May 2017, 00:13
  #10233 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 71
Posts: 1,801
A drover in the pub was amazed to see a farmer playing poker with his sheepdog, at one of the pub tables.

"Gee, I knew Kelpies were pretty smart - but a poker-playing dog beats anything I've seen!", exclaimed the drover.

"Ahh, he's not that smart", said the farmer. "Every time he acquires a winning hand, he wags his tail!"
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Old 27th May 2017, 00:49
  #10234 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Between a Rock and a Hard Spot
Posts: 199
Originally Posted by onetrack View Post
A drover in the pub was amazed to see a farmer playing poker with his sheepdog, at one of the pub tables.

"Gee, I knew Kelpies were pretty smart - but a poker-playing dog beats anything I've seen!", exclaimed the drover.

"Ahh, he's not that smart", said the farmer. "Every time he acquires a winning hand, he wags his tail!"
It seems that his tail, is a tell.
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Old 27th May 2017, 03:34
  #10235 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: VHHH Ocean 2D
Posts: 726
I've often wondered what is more important to a woman. Length or Girth.

As I sit here in Jail serving 25 years I've realized its actually Consent.
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Old 27th May 2017, 03:40
  #10236 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: VHHH Ocean 2D
Posts: 726
A farmer came up to me needing some help.

"I have 68 sheep, could you help round them up for me?".

" Yeah. 70"

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Old 27th May 2017, 04:34
  #10237 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: San Jose
Posts: 726
Along the same lines, and it hasn't appeared in the last ten posts so it must be OK to repeat it,

Sheepdog: Here's your 30 sheep.
Shepherd: I counted, there's only 26.
Sheepdog: I know, I rounded them up.
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Old 27th May 2017, 08:20
  #10238 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Wellington,NZ
Age: 63
Posts: 1,640
My wife just left me because of my insecurities.












No, wait. She's back. She just went to make a cup of tea.
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Old 27th May 2017, 15:19
  #10239 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
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Old 27th May 2017, 20:02
  #10240 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: On my farm
Posts: 1,191
A woman weightlifter goes to her doctors

“Doc, I’ve been taking steroids and now I have grown a willy”

“Anabolic?” says the doctor. “No doc, just a willy”
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