Go Back  PPRuNe Forums > PPRuNe Social > Jet Blast
Reload this Page >

Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 7th May 2017, 21:21
  #10101 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 66
Posts: 62
Originally Posted by Takan Inchovit View Post
Ne w keyb oard no w on sho ppi ng li st.
Thet's tha lest tima I'll buy e usad kayboerd off aBey.
hiflymk3 is offline  
Old 7th May 2017, 22:20
  #10102 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: San Jose
Posts: 726
If you've got a colleague who still uses a desk phone with push buttons on it, try taking it apart when he's not around and swapping 123 with 789. If you notice, phone keypads are the other way up to pretty much any other keypad you'll see, so it won't be immediately obvious.

What's more fascinating is if you get to see someone attempt to use such a modified phone. Their finger will head towards the correct place from muscle memory and then the brain will take over and redirect to the incorrect spot as visual processing takes over.
llondel is offline  
Old 8th May 2017, 09:20
  #10103 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
ricardian is offline  
Old 8th May 2017, 11:53
  #10104 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: At My Desk
Posts: 3
Question

Q:
How many women with PMS does it take to change a light
bulb?
Woman's Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this f***ing house knows HOW to change a f***ing light bulb! They don't even know that the f***ing bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE F***ING DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to *@ing god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the f***ing chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME F***ING SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO F***ER EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE RUBBISH!!!!
IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE F***ING PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F***ING HOUSE!!
IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND
DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES
THE F***ING TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
I'm sorry.
What was the question?
Devon Flyer is offline  
Old 9th May 2017, 23:46
  #10105 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
An oddly named beverage

ricardian is offline  
Old 10th May 2017, 11:20
  #10106 (permalink)  
Paid...Persona Grata
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Between BHX and EMA
Age: 74
Posts: 237
That must be real piss.
UniFoxOs is offline  
Old 10th May 2017, 11:57
  #10107 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Maryland, USA
Posts: 136
^^^^^
It is in fact intended to promote urinary tract health. (And it comes with a free mug!)
Vzlet is offline  
Old 10th May 2017, 19:30
  #10108 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Yellowknife
Posts: 41
This product doesn't help with urine output, it's made from it! There's a new beer made with human urine from a Danish music festival - BBC Newsbeat
spInY nORmAn is offline  
Old 10th May 2017, 20:12
  #10109 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Lincolnshire
Age: 77
Posts: 16,725
Like Budweiser then.
Pontius Navigator is offline  
Old 10th May 2017, 20:27
  #10110 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 66
Posts: 62
A State Trooper drives down a lovers lane and sees a couple in a parked car. The young man is sitting in the front seat reading a computer magazine. The buxom young lady is sitting in the back seat filing her nails.

Unusual, thinks the Trooper, he taps on the drivers window and asks. "Excuse me sir, what are you doing?"

"Reading a magazine sir." The young man replies.
"And what is the lady in back doing?"
"Filing her nails sir."

Perplexed, the Trooper asks. "How old are you son?"
"Twenty two sir."
"And how old is your lady friend?"

The young man looks at his watch.
"She'll be eighteen in eleven minutes."
hiflymk3 is offline  
Old 11th May 2017, 02:02
  #10111 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Dunnunda
Age: 59
Posts: 141
Originally Posted by Pontius Navigator View Post
Like Budweiser then.
Art Smass is offline  
Old 11th May 2017, 07:37
  #10112 (permalink)  
Paid...Persona Grata
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Between BHX and EMA
Age: 74
Posts: 237
Graffiti seen in a pub toilet in the 1970s.

"The human body is a machine for turning Marston's Pedigree into Watney's Red Barrel."
UniFoxOs is offline  
Old 11th May 2017, 14:46
  #10113 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 82
Posts: 698
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPbbCRTKyeY
funfly is offline  
Old 11th May 2017, 14:47
  #10114 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 82
Posts: 698
Friends, Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears.
I have a story to tell.
Lend me your ears, if you've not got them with you,
Your noses will do just as well.
What we want today is social reform, parish reform and more than likely chloroform.
What did Gladstone say after '99? Why, 100 of course. And he was right.
I represent the common people and nobody is more common than I am.
We have the Press behind us and if there is one thing I like to see in a newspaper
It's a good feed of fish and chips.
I've just arrived from the League of Nations and I'll tell you all about it.
The League of Nations met in Berwick Market,
To discuss on which side kippers ought to swim.
There were Hottentots and Prussians playing honeypots on cushions,
And a Greek with bubble and squeak upon his chin.
Some drove up in taxis that were empty,
Some arrived to say they couldn't come.
The Hindus had their quilts on, the Hebrews had their kilts on,
A Scandinavian rose and said `By Gum,
Think of what we have done in the future,
Shall we do our duty in the past?'
The Japanese Prime Minister got up and said `Tush, tush'.
Someone threw a shepherd's pie that hit his Shepherd's Bush.
A Scotsman from the north land got up and spoke in shorthand,
Like a vegetarian straight from Botany Bay.
He said, `Where has the kidney bean? What made the woodbine wild?
Is red cabbage greengrocery? And tell me friends,' he smiled,
`Can a bandy-legged gherkin be a straight cucumber's child?
That's what Crosse and Blackwell want to know today.'

The League of Nations met at Marks and Woolworths,
And asked them if a discount they'd allow.
A farmer with his tanner said he wished to buy a spanner,
He could use when he was milking of the cow.
A Turk said `We want work, and not much of it,
A job like giving gooseberries Marcel waves.'
A Zulu most courageous said, `Brothers it's outrageous,
Black puddings should be treated as white slaves'.
Shall we ever do so if we can't do,
Could we, would we, if we, p'raps we won't.
Admiral McNestle of the Swiss Navy arose shouting
`Where would Turkey be without the parson's nose?'
The Rajah of Shlemozzle got up and blew his nozzle,
He had these few well-chosen words to say,
`Can a sausage keep its figure if its burberry is slack?
If a duck has had its tonsils out where does it keep its quack?
We know a hen can lay an egg but can it put it back?
That's what Levy and Franks are fighting for today.' !
funfly is offline  
Old 11th May 2017, 15:08
  #10115 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 4,976
I don't think my brain can absorb all of that.
Fareastdriver is offline  
Old 11th May 2017, 15:09
  #10116 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
What do you think this award is for?




And here's her sister

ricardian is offline  
Old 11th May 2017, 19:22
  #10117 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Lincolnshire
Age: 77
Posts: 16,725
Diana Abbot to be Shadow Chancellor
Pontius Navigator is offline  
Old 11th May 2017, 20:27
  #10118 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Lincolnshire
Age: 77
Posts: 16,725
Rely on a woman for DIY:

"Have you got any glue?"

"What sort of glue?"

"Strong glue."

"What do you want it for?"

"The vent in the front bedroom"

"You need a screw"
Pontius Navigator is offline  
Old 11th May 2017, 21:10
  #10119 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 77
Posts: 811
ricardian is offline  
Old 12th May 2017, 01:14
  #10120 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 55
Posts: 34
underfire is offline  

Thread Tools
Search this Thread

Contact Us - Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service - Do Not Sell My Personal Information -

Copyright 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.