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Old 27th Apr 2017, 05:37   #10041 (permalink)
 
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Getting it onto the same page was good!
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Old 27th Apr 2017, 07:53   #10042 (permalink)
 
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Even better than getting it on the same page, was getting it the first message and the last message on the same page.
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Old 27th Apr 2017, 09:11   #10043 (permalink)
 
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BREAKING NEWS

The inventor of the jug sadly passed away this afternoon.

Tributes are pouring in.
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Old 27th Apr 2017, 09:24   #10044 (permalink)
 
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I've just finished reading a brilliant book titled, "How to avoid getting ripped off".

Best €200 I have ever spent!
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Old 27th Apr 2017, 10:41   #10045 (permalink)
 
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Louietheflyer
[QUOTE]oxenos - You just need the right bait and present it in a natural way.[/QUOTE

And a suitable target
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Old 27th Apr 2017, 11:48   #10046 (permalink)
 
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I was feeling ill and lying on the sofa staring out of the window when I thought I saw a sausage fly past the window. Looking more closely I saw that it was really a seabird. I'd obviously taken a tern for the wurst.
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Old 27th Apr 2017, 11:50   #10047 (permalink)
 
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A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
two problems.
"For all these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits."
“Oh!”, she said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."
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Old 27th Apr 2017, 11:51   #10048 (permalink)
 
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Having sex is a bit like playing bridge. If you don`t have a good partner, you`d better have a good hand.
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Old 27th Apr 2017, 18:46   #10049 (permalink)
 
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I have a friend who fancies himself a bit of a voyeur as well as a golf enthusiast.

He has an unfortunate sense of timing though as on occasion, and at the most inappropriate times, he yells out "IN THE HOLE."
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Old 27th Apr 2017, 19:36   #10050 (permalink)
 
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Jeremy Corbyn visited Liverpool today and said that, if elected, he would guarantee jobs for all the unemployed.

The Tories now consider Liverpool a definite gain.
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Old 27th Apr 2017, 22:04   #10051 (permalink)
 
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Old 28th Apr 2017, 06:51   #10052 (permalink)
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A friend in the UK just sent me an e-mail, said his wife had left him and taken his Bob Marley collection and his satellite dish, felt sorry for him, "No woman, No sky"
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Old 28th Apr 2017, 10:15   #10053 (permalink)
I16
 
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The 5th parrot - .
Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for lunch.
Jan arrives first wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Gris with three glasses. Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. They all hug and she too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal .
Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy .
Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Paul. They live in Essex where they grow their own vegetables and run a tropical bird park. Paul can stand five parrots side by side, on his erect p#nis.
Several hours later, after the third bottle of Pinot,
Jan breaks down and blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco and they live in a small apartment in Bromley with a caravan parked on the front drive.
Sue, chastened by Jan's honesty, bursts into tears and admits that she and Clive are actually nursing care assistants in an old people's home in Peckham. They live in a Council house and take camping holidays in Kent.
Mary finally cracks and admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
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Old 28th Apr 2017, 11:47   #10054 (permalink)
 
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British food - a guide for Americans
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Old 28th Apr 2017, 12:56   #10055 (permalink)
 
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As a New Zealander, I understood and agreed with everything said including Haggis (Scottish heritage), but wtf with fried Mars Bars?!
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Old 28th Apr 2017, 13:49   #10056 (permalink)
 
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The fried Mars bar was a sort of joke that caught on. It is tasty but you would only have one ever.

And you can make sweet Yorkshire puddings for desert.
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Old 28th Apr 2017, 15:25   #10057 (permalink)
 
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"And you can make sweet Yorkshire puddings for des(s)ert. "

On the very odd occasion when after our dinner there were any yorkshire puds left, we just ate them with jam and some milk.
Nobody could make yorkshire pud like my mother.
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Old 28th Apr 2017, 16:39   #10058 (permalink)
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Yorkshires with golden syrup.
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Old 28th Apr 2017, 16:45   #10059 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Yorkshires with golden syrup.
Thread drift police
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Old 28th Apr 2017, 17:24   #10060 (permalink)
 
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This thread is becoming a fecking joke!!
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