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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 27th Apr 2017, 10:50
  #10021 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: At My Desk
Posts: 3
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The KEY," where a small key is placed on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.
Of course, the woman wanted "The Key."
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the key, and the effects were wonderful -- the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with
two problems.
"For all these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the key and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your tits."
“Oh!”, she said, "No point asking about the beard then..........."
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Old 27th Apr 2017, 10:51
  #10022 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: spacetime
Posts: 264
Having sex is a bit like playing bridge. If you don`t have a good partner, you`d better have a good hand.
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Old 27th Apr 2017, 17:46
  #10023 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: East of LGB
Age: 64
Posts: 619
I have a friend who fancies himself a bit of a voyeur as well as a golf enthusiast.

He has an unfortunate sense of timing though as on occasion, and at the most inappropriate times, he yells out "IN THE HOLE."
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Old 27th Apr 2017, 18:36
  #10024 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 908
Jeremy Corbyn visited Liverpool today and said that, if elected, he would guarantee jobs for all the unemployed.

The Tories now consider Liverpool a definite gain.
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Old 27th Apr 2017, 21:04
  #10025 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 811
ricardian is offline  
Old 28th Apr 2017, 05:51
  #10026 (permalink)  
Just another erk
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Germany
Age: 73
Posts: 280
A friend in the UK just sent me an e-mail, said his wife had left him and taken his Bob Marley collection and his satellite dish, felt sorry for him, "No woman, No sky"
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Old 28th Apr 2017, 09:15
  #10027 (permalink)  
I16
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 60
The 5th parrot - .
Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for lunch.
Jan arrives first wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Gris with three glasses. Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. They all hug and she too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal .
Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy .
Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Paul. They live in Essex where they grow their own vegetables and run a tropical bird park. Paul can stand five parrots side by side, on his erect p#nis.
Several hours later, after the third bottle of Pinot,
Jan breaks down and blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco and they live in a small apartment in Bromley with a caravan parked on the front drive.
Sue, chastened by Jan's honesty, bursts into tears and admits that she and Clive are actually nursing care assistants in an old people's home in Peckham. They live in a Council house and take camping holidays in Kent.
Mary finally cracks and admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
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Old 28th Apr 2017, 10:47
  #10028 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 811
British food - a guide for Americans
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Old 28th Apr 2017, 11:56
  #10029 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Lost, but often Indonesia
Posts: 602
As a New Zealander, I understood and agreed with everything said including Haggis (Scottish heritage), but wtf with fried Mars Bars?!
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Old 28th Apr 2017, 12:49
  #10030 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Scotland
Posts: 144
The fried Mars bar was a sort of joke that caught on. It is tasty but you would only have one ever.

And you can make sweet Yorkshire puddings for desert.
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Old 28th Apr 2017, 14:25
  #10031 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: California
Posts: 344
"And you can make sweet Yorkshire puddings for des(s)ert. "

On the very odd occasion when after our dinner there were any yorkshire puds left, we just ate them with jam and some milk.
Nobody could make yorkshire pud like my mother.
f
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Old 28th Apr 2017, 15:39
  #10032 (permalink)  
Resident insomniac
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: N54 58 34 W02 01 21
Age: 75
Posts: 1,859
Yorkshires with golden syrup.
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Old 28th Apr 2017, 15:45
  #10033 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
Posts: 699
Yorkshires with golden syrup.
Thread drift police
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Old 28th Apr 2017, 16:24
  #10034 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: South of Old Warden
Age: 83
Posts: 1,380
This thread is becoming a fecking joke!!
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Old 28th Apr 2017, 17:05
  #10035 (permalink)  
Paid...Persona Grata
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Between BHX and EMA
Age: 74
Posts: 236
The fried Mars bar was a sort of joke that caught on. It is tasty but you would only have one ever.
Tasty is an understatement. It is divine. We cooked them cut up into into thirds for a party and they went like hot cakes, which they weren't. However one third of a standard bar is about a quarter of a heart attack, health-wise. I might have one a year and risk it.
UniFoxOs is online now  
Old 28th Apr 2017, 17:50
  #10036 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Temporarily unsure of my position
Posts: 106
Well, this is the FRIDAY jokes thread, so that allows pointless prattle to take over for the remaining six days a week.

Perhaps there's a case to open a JOKES ONLY thread ?

Damn. I shouldn't be posting this on a FRIDAY
Flypro is offline  
Old 28th Apr 2017, 20:08
  #10037 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: South Africa
Age: 83
Posts: 1,327
Left over Yorkshire puddings, with milk & sugar are a very acceptable substitute for breakfast cereal.
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Old 28th Apr 2017, 20:21
  #10038 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Yorks
Age: 59
Posts: 328
Just asked my mate in North Korea what it was like living there. He said he couldn't complain.
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Old 28th Apr 2017, 20:43
  #10039 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Wales
Posts: 2
Hey, did you hearabout the guy that mixed up his Colgate toothpaste with hishemorrhoid cream.






Ended up with badlyreceding gums but had the ‘ring of confidence’
welshwaffu is offline  
Old 28th Apr 2017, 21:04
  #10040 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
Posts: 6,368
Guy that got nicked yesterday in London for terrorism in carrying Bread Knives clearly wasn't using his loaf.....
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