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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 28th Apr 2012, 14:09
  #961 (permalink)  
Blame My Parrot
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Somerdorset, UK
Age: 66
Posts: 227
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in
Hollywood and said, "I want to be a movie star."


Tall, handsome, and with experience on Broadway,
he had the right credentials. The agent asked,
"What's your name?"


The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."


The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order
to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to
change your name."


"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian
name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my
grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."


The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood
for years...you will NEVER go far in Hollywood
with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you,
you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not
be able to represent you."


"So be it! I guess we will not do business together,"
the guy said and he left the agent's office.


FIVE YEARS LATER......The agent opens an envelope
sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a
check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who
would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the
letter enclosed...




Dear Sir,


Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to
become an actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed
to change my name. Determined to make it with my
God-given birth name, I refused.


You told me I would never make it in Hollywood
with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your
office, I thought about what you said. I decided you
were right. I had to change my name. I had too much
pride to return to your office, so I signed with another
agent. I would never have made it without changing
my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke
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Old 28th Apr 2012, 22:11
  #962 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: ...outside the wall...
Age: 64
Posts: 158
...very good VitaminGee

Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole,
just fishing quietly and drinking beer.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I
think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me
in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says,
"You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
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Old 29th Apr 2012, 00:35
  #963 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: France
Age: 81
Posts: 24
People are stranded on a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of the South Pacific:

* Two Italian men and one Italian woman.
* Two French men and one French woman.
* Two German men and one German woman.
* Two Greek men and one Greek woman.
* Two British men and one British woman.
* Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman.
* Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman.
* Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman.
* Two Irish men and one Irish woman.
* Two American men and one American woman.
--------------------------------------

One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together
in a ménage a' trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating
visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is
cooking and cleaning for them.

The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the
British woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and
started swimming to another island.
The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant,
and laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply more
employees for their stores.

The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up
a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it
gets somewhat foggy after a few pints of coconut whiskey. However, they
are satisfied because the British are not having any fun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American
woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the
true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can
do anything they can do, the equal division of household chores, how
sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected
her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her
relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and
blaming the two men why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they
could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of f-king nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
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Old 29th Apr 2012, 00:51
  #964 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: France
Age: 81
Posts: 24
Sounds familiar ?

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just
wouldn't let up for a single minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,


While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.
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Old 29th Apr 2012, 06:24
  #965 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Australia
Age: 61
Posts: 145
A man walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the Octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. "He can play any musical instrument in the world."

Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A bloke walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.

Another bloke walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Louis Armstrong. The man pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha Ha!" the Scot says. "Ye canie plae it,can ye?"

The octopus looks up at him and says ........"Play it?.... I'm going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off.
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Old 29th Apr 2012, 07:26
  #966 (permalink)  
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Age: 76
Posts: 723
Irish Jokes

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "no tanks, I've only got a small garden."

Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"

A coach load of paddys on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... the driver won £52!

Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejesas I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?, Paddy says "No I tink it's beef"

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them stupid because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oh, no, Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
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Old 29th Apr 2012, 09:58
  #967 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: adelaide australia
Posts: 270
German German Joke

A childless English couple adopt a baby boy from Germany. He's a quiet child, never screams or cries, but he never talks either.
For years the couple take him to one specialist after another, to no avail. There is nothing abnormal about the child, they are told, he just doesn't speak.
At the age of five, still never having spoken, the family is enjoying a meal together.
When they get to the dessert course, the little boy looks at them and says "zis strudel iz tepid!"
"Oh my god" exclaim the parents, "you can talk!"
"why have you never spoken before?" asks the father.
The boy looks at his father and answers:
"Vell, up until now, everyzing vas acceptable"

Last edited by gileraguy; 29th Apr 2012 at 10:31.
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Old 29th Apr 2012, 18:53
  #968 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Farnham Surrey
Age: 70
Posts: 4
A day at the races

Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for
a field trip to the Epsom Racecourse. When it was time to take the
children to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one
teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with
their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their
'pee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was
unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the
teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3?’

'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race,
but I appreciate your help.'



-------------------------------

A couple of weeks ago, my wife collected my new glasses from the opticians.

I couldn't find them this morning so I asked if she'd seen them.

She told me she had taken them back and got a refund as I still wasn't seeing things


---------------------------------------------------------

"Went for my routine check up today"

"Every thing seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse"

"Well that's a normal procedure"

"So you don't think I should change my dentist"
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Old 29th Apr 2012, 20:50
  #969 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: The Smaller Antipode
Age: 86
Posts: 6
.
.........because the American woman ........
Sounds familiar, married to one.

should have written that in code

Last edited by ExSp33db1rd; 30th Apr 2012 at 02:29.
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Old 29th Apr 2012, 22:55
  #970 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
 
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Old 30th Apr 2012, 00:55
  #971 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Why oh why would I wanna be anywhere else?
Posts: 1,305
German Joke
I think that most people, including those in the UK as well as Australia, would have heard that joke on QI gileraguy
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Old 30th Apr 2012, 02:56
  #972 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: adelaide australia
Posts: 270
Originally Posted by sisemen View Post
German Joke
I think that most people, including those in the UK as well as Australia, would have heard that joke on QI gileraguy
And I thought I was the only one who watched QI!

seriously sizemann, that still leaves a lot of people unaware of what is a very rare joke, being one of German origin.
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Old 30th Apr 2012, 04:22
  #973 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: mumbai
Age: 30
Posts: 48
"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.."
"But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?" Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"
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Old 30th Apr 2012, 04:23
  #974 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: mumbai
Age: 30
Posts: 48
A passenger piled his cases on the scale at an airline counter in New York and said to the clerk, "I'm flying to Los Angeles. I want the square case to go to Denver and the two round ones to go to Seattle." I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that."
"Why not? You did it last time?"
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Old 30th Apr 2012, 04:24
  #975 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: mumbai
Age: 30
Posts: 48
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel." Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
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Old 30th Apr 2012, 04:26
  #976 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
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Posts: 1,768
Blue Ingle, I'm afraid those were old when Pontius was still a pilot and Mortus a rigger.
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Old 30th Apr 2012, 05:29
  #977 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: The Smaller Antipode
Age: 86
Posts: 6
And Mumbai was Bombay.

blue-ingle - no offence intended, welcome to the Wonderful World of Aviation.
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Old 30th Apr 2012, 05:55
  #978 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 92
yep, and if one hasn't read them, it's really funny!
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Old 30th Apr 2012, 06:27
  #979 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 915
A motor mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, feeling a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the BMW.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.
So how is that I make £40,000 a year and you make £1.7 million when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."
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Old 30th Apr 2012, 15:46
  #980 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: France
Age: 81
Posts: 24
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, " You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K ".

She asks ..... " What does that mean ?"

He said, " Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot ”.

She smiled happily and said ... " Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K ?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down, and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
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