Friday Jokes
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,510
And they are followed by MOL who is astonished that Guinness can really be profitable at the advertised price of €2/pint. "Is it happy hour? No. Well pour me a pint then. Would you be wanting a glass with that = €10 please."
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Orstralia
Posts: 295
Heard flying into an airport one night when the only available runway was the shortest one at the airfield.
Female Tower Controller: “Delta 324 do you have runway 34 in sight?”
Delta 324: “Roger we have the runway in sight.”
Delta 324 (not realizing his microphone was still on): “My d**k is longer than that runway”
Female Tower Controller: “Delta 324 you’re cleared to land runway 34. I get off at 10pm.”
Female Tower Controller: “Delta 324 do you have runway 34 in sight?”
Delta 324: “Roger we have the runway in sight.”
Delta 324 (not realizing his microphone was still on): “My d**k is longer than that runway”
Female Tower Controller: “Delta 324 you’re cleared to land runway 34. I get off at 10pm.”
Join Date: May 2005
Location: QLD - where drivers are yet to realise that the left lane goes to their destination too.
Posts: 2,150
Dave isn't very smart. You can plainly see his wallet in the shoe even from here. Perhaps if he wasn't so distracted by that silly hat and glasses he may have noticed.
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Forced retirement
Posts: 1,151
Man dies under his six-ton pile of porn magazines | Daily Mail Online
Possible candidate for the Darwin award. Police said it took them longer to dig him out because the pages were all stuck together.
Possible candidate for the Darwin award. Police said it took them longer to dig him out because the pages were all stuck together.
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Surrounding the localizer
Posts: 2,200
"Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer says, " Our patrol helicopter clocked you at 80 mph. sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
