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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 28th Feb 2017, 11:09
  #9661 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 624
A pervert, a con artist and a racist walk into a bar, and the barman says

"Hey, Mr President! My staff all just ran out the back!"
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Old 28th Feb 2017, 13:04
  #9662 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
Originally Posted by jolihokistix View Post
A pervert, a con artist and a racist walk into a bar, and the barman says
Mr Clinton, Mr Obama, Mr Sharpton......what can I get you?
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Old 28th Feb 2017, 20:01
  #9663 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,510
And they are followed by MOL who is astonished that Guinness can really be profitable at the advertised price of 2/pint. "Is it happy hour? No. Well pour me a pint then. Would you be wanting a glass with that = 10 please."
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Old 28th Feb 2017, 23:05
  #9664 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
Posts: 159
I've just got myself an Eastern European cleaning lady, but it took her four hours to hoover my house today.

Turns out she's a Slovac.
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Old 1st Mar 2017, 13:06
  #9665 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
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Old 2nd Mar 2017, 12:49
  #9666 (permalink)  
RJM
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Orstralia
Posts: 295
Heard flying into an airport one night when the only available runway was the shortest one at the airfield.

Female Tower Controller: “Delta 324 do you have runway 34 in sight?”

Delta 324: “Roger we have the runway in sight.”

Delta 324 (not realizing his microphone was still on): “My d**k is longer than that runway”

Female Tower Controller: “Delta 324 you’re cleared to land runway 34. I get off at 10pm.”
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Old 2nd Mar 2017, 13:15
  #9667 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,196


PDR
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Old 2nd Mar 2017, 21:28
  #9668 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
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Old 3rd Mar 2017, 02:28
  #9669 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Great South East, tired and retired
Posts: 2,458
It mightn't be a foot, but 10 inches should be near enough...
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Old 3rd Mar 2017, 11:52
  #9670 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Richard Burtonville, South Wales.
Posts: 1,816
In uniform, with brown shoes? Standards these days...
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Old 3rd Mar 2017, 12:58
  #9671 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: spacetime
Posts: 256
Mines` twelve inches but I dont use it as a rule.
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Old 3rd Mar 2017, 13:10
  #9672 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: avro country
Age: 68
Posts: 174
He's making a sole of himself.
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Old 3rd Mar 2017, 13:14
  #9673 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2005
Location: QLD - where drivers are yet to realise that the left lane goes to their destination too.
Posts: 2,150
Dave isn't very smart. You can plainly see his wallet in the shoe even from here. Perhaps if he wasn't so distracted by that silly hat and glasses he may have noticed.
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Old 3rd Mar 2017, 15:38
  #9674 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Forced retirement
Posts: 1,151
Man dies under his six-ton pile of porn magazines | Daily Mail Online

Possible candidate for the Darwin award. Police said it took them longer to dig him out because the pages were all stuck together.
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Old 3rd Mar 2017, 16:28
  #9675 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Surrounding the localizer
Posts: 2,200
"Police officer pulls over a speeding car. The Officer says, " Our patrol helicopter clocked you at 80 mph. sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly, "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Dammit, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says," Now dear you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
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Old 3rd Mar 2017, 20:31
  #9676 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
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Old 3rd Mar 2017, 23:24
  #9677 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
Posts: 159
Brummie walks into a tailors. "Alroit, mate. I'd like a 70s style suit"

The tailor says, "Certainly sir, and would you like a kipper tie?"

Brummie says, "Thanks mate, two sugars please"
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Old 4th Mar 2017, 12:46
  #9678 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Station 42
Age: 64
Posts: 837
Man Dies Under Six Tons of Porn

#9700

Who'd expect to find a stiff under that lot...
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Old 4th Mar 2017, 16:30
  #9679 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
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Old 4th Mar 2017, 16:36
  #9680 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
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