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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 28th Jan 2017, 11:40
  #9501 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Moscow, Russia
Posts: 1,022
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer?
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."
"I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road."
The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded.
"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?'
Now what the **** would you say?"
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Old 28th Jan 2017, 12:44
  #9502 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 623
"Who care's?"

I'd of said definatly to.
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Old 28th Jan 2017, 14:40
  #9503 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
I wasn't concentrating whilst driving towards town this morning and I crashed into a "Stop" sign. I got out of my car to check the damage. The sign was a little dented and there was a small scratch on my bumper but both could be repaired fairly cheaply, I reckoned. However, it wasn't all good news though because I could tell by the kid's screams that the lollipop man was in a bad way.
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Old 28th Jan 2017, 17:59
  #9504 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
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Old 29th Jan 2017, 23:37
  #9505 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
I came home from the pub four hours late last night.
"Where the hell have you been?" screamed my wife.
I said, "I've been playing poker with some blokes."
"Playing poker with some blokes?" She repeated. "Well, you can pack your bags and go!"
"So can you," I said. "This isn't our house anymore."
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Old 30th Jan 2017, 04:06
  #9506 (permalink)  
prospector
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Posts: n/a
In that circumstance, more than the house would be lost!!!
 
Old 30th Jan 2017, 06:51
  #9507 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
The late Zsa Zsa Gabor described herself as a housekeeper. She said "every time I get a divorce, I keep the house".
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Old 30th Jan 2017, 11:00
  #9508 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Moscow, Russia
Posts: 1,022
A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.
"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"
So the programmer went shopping.
When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked
"why the heck did you bought 12 bottle of milk?!"
The programmer responded.
"they have eggs"
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Old 30th Jan 2017, 14:29
  #9509 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
From the "Good Old Days":

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Old 30th Jan 2017, 14:55
  #9510 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Moscow, Russia
Posts: 1,022
OMG they still darn socks in a murika?
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Old 30th Jan 2017, 22:47
  #9511 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
Posts: 159
2020 Olympic Games High Jump Results:

Gold - Mexico

Silver - Mexico

Bronze - Mexico
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Old 30th Jan 2017, 22:52
  #9512 (permalink)  
Resident insomniac
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: N54 58 34 W02 01 21
Age: 75
Posts: 1,859
And then there's the pole vault.
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Old 31st Jan 2017, 00:42
  #9513 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
Posts: 5,989
2020 Olympic Games 100 Metre Results:

Gold - Black Kid from Chicago carrying a TV

Silver - Black Kid from Chicago carrying a TV

Bronze - White Cop from Chicago carrying a Gun
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Old 31st Jan 2017, 08:01
  #9514 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Yorks
Age: 59
Posts: 328
After watching the trailer for the upcoming film, my six year old son asked me

"How does superman fly?

"Better than he rides a horse."
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Old 1st Feb 2017, 07:11
  #9515 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: 100m South of the 45th
Age: 54
Posts: 34
Time for anotehr oldie..


A nun was going to Chicago.

She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight.

She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tell your fortune.

So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 pounds and your are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it.

She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that read, "You're a nun. You weigh 128 pounds and you are going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle."

The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life."

She sat down again.

From nowhere, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her.

The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she looked back at the machine and said

"This is incredible. I've got to try it again".

Back to the machine.

She put her nickel in and another card came out. It said "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds, you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind".

Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong "I never broke wind in public a day in my life!"

Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine.

She said to herself "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card.

It said "You're a nun, you weigh 128 pounds and you have fiddled and farted around and missed your flight to Chicago."
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Old 1st Feb 2017, 07:59
  #9516 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 67
Posts: 896
My mum taught us to always wash food before preparing and eating.

Lovely woman.

Terrible sandwiches.
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Old 1st Feb 2017, 11:22
  #9517 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Malvern, UK
Posts: 397
After watching the trailer for the upcoming film, my six year old son asked me

"How does superman fly?

"Better than he rides a horse."
The bad taste one may forgive.

The fact that one needs to be old enough to remember a previous generation of superhero movies to even get it - not so much.
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Old 3rd Feb 2017, 10:59
  #9518 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Austria
Posts: 674


A job well done.
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Old 3rd Feb 2017, 11:16
  #9519 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,510
sing writers with dislexia should be suppervised.
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Old 3rd Feb 2017, 16:42
  #9520 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
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