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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 13th Jan 2017, 13:27
  #9401 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: At My Desk
Posts: 3
Job Interviewer: "So, it says here on your application that you're extremely quick at maths."

Job Applicant: "That’s right. I am."

Job Interviewer: "Okay - quickly, what’s 14 x 27?"

Job Applicant: "49."

Job Interviewer: "That’s not even close!"

Job Applicant: "Yeah, but it was fast, right?"
I went for a job interview last week but didn't get the job. Apparently being in an orgy wasn't a good example of being a team player.
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Old 13th Jan 2017, 17:54
  #9402 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Some fun "heard in Waitrose" ones
1 “I suppose we could have a coffee. I’ve just spoken to Susan and she’s still doing the ironing and there’s nothing worse than being in your own house when the cleaner is still there.”
2. “I work at Waitrose on the counters and yesterday whilst working on the meat and fish counter, I had a man and wife browse through our meat section. I asked if they were looking for anything in particular and they responded “your dry aged sirloin steak”. We had some unopened dry aged sirloin and informed the customers that I would be happy to open it for them. I presumed to open the pack and asked how many slices they wanted and how thick they were to be. Two thick slices later costing around £16 I wrapped up the meat and gave them to the couple, I told them to enjoy. Surprisingly the man responded “oh dear, we don’t eat meat, we are both vegetarians. This is for our dog Clifford, it’s his favourite”. Needless to say I stood speechless and couldn’t help but giggle whilst they chirped off perhaps browsing for more expensive ingredients for their lucky dog named Clifford.”
3. ‘Mummy, what does extra virgin mean?’ A little boy says to his mother whilst inspecting a bottle of olive oil she had just placed in the trolley.
‘It means that its the best kind, darling.’ She replied.
The boy thought about this for a moment before asking inquisitively, ‘Mummy, am I an extra virgin son?’
4. A Mum in bright, animated conversation with her small daughter.
Mother: Now we don’t need to buy any cucumbers this week, do we darling? Why don’t we need to buy any cucumbers?
There follows an excited, anticipatory pause.
Small girl: Because they’re boring?
Mother (with an air of disappointment): No darling, it’s because we’ve grown our own!
5. “Ever since this free coffee offer started, Waitrose has been like a bloody soup kitchen”
6. “I can’t believe there are children here. Are we in Asda?”
7. “Jemima, you’ll have to take the Rosemary off the Focaccia before we feed the ducks, Darling. They can’t digest it!”
8. A lady talking to her friend “Darling I was so ill last night, the drawback to living in such a large house is that the en suite is too faraway from ones sickbed.”
9. “Our house has its own postcode, it’s really handy for the sat nav, as it takes us half-way up our drive”
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Old 13th Jan 2017, 20:17
  #9403 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,510
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".
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Old 13th Jan 2017, 21:40
  #9404 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2006
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Well it's fox's, it's almost glacial, do you think it's minty??


http://img-s-msn-com.akamaized.net/t...6&q=60&o=f&l=f




As other animals played in the snow, this fox was getting entombed in ice
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Old 13th Jan 2017, 22:09
  #9405 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2005
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Well it's fox's, it's almost glacial, do you think it's minty??



No, nor very funny either.
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Old 13th Jan 2017, 22:14
  #9406 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
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No, nor very funny either.
It must be , it's in the jokes thread

Maybe it should be moved to the global warming thread. Or how about the fake news thread? In the end he's just like his mother and father, a chip off the old block
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Old 14th Jan 2017, 11:00
  #9407 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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An eight year old boy is walking down the road one day when a car pulls over next to him. "If you get in the car," the driver says, "I'll give you £10 and some sweets."
The boy refuses and keeps on walking. A few moments later, not to take no for an answer, the man driving the car pulls over again. "How about £20 and a bag of sweets?"
The boy tells the man to leave him alone and keeps on walking. Still further down the road the man pulls over to the side road. "Ok," he says, "This is my final offer. I'll give you £50 and all the sweets you can eat."
The little boy stops, goes to the car and leans in. "Look," he shouts to the driver. "You bought the Skoda, Dad. You live with it!"
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Old 14th Jan 2017, 11:57
  #9408 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Dorset
Age: 66
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I don't want to get banned, so can I check please check first if it's ok to use the word formed from the initial letters of "what a nice kipper" in a joke? Or am I going to be banned anyway for posting this request?
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Old 14th Jan 2017, 12:09
  #9409 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
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The first rule of The Thesaurus Club is that you do not talk, articulate, babble, broach, chant, chat, chatter, comment on, communicate, confess, converse, describe, divulge, drawl, drone, express, flap one's tongue, gab, babble, give voice to, gossip, influence, intone, notify, palaver, parlay, patter, persuade, prate, prattle, pronounce, reveal, rhapsodize, run on, say, sing, soliloquize, speak, spill the beans, spout, squeak, squeal, talk one's leg off, tell, tell all, use, utter, ventriloquise, verbalise, voice or yak about The Thesaurus Club.
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Old 14th Jan 2017, 12:25
  #9410 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 1999
Location: Swindon, Wilts,UK
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How do you catch a polar bear?
You cut a hole in the ice and sprinkle peas around it.
Then you wait until the polar bear comes up for a pea, and you kick it in the icehole!

Well it's fox's, it's almost glacial, do you think it's minty??
I think nutty was alluding to the sweety ad campaign.

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Old 14th Jan 2017, 13:19
  #9411 (permalink)  
 
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Old 14th Jan 2017, 14:09
  #9412 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 14th Jan 2017, 15:23
  #9413 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Confoederatio Helvetica
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Originally Posted by timgill View Post
I don't want to get banned, so can I check please check first if it's ok to use the word formed from the initial letters of "what a nice kipper" in a joke? Or am I going to be banned anyway for posting this request?
If it's got anything to do with a German Ski jumper with that surname, you are much too late. You 'mist' it!

If not, no we don't want to hear another joke about manual stimulation.
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Old 14th Jan 2017, 15:35
  #9414 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Dorset
Age: 66
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It doesn't involve manual stimulation, to be perfectly literal. And it doesn't have anything to do with skiing...
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Old 14th Jan 2017, 16:40
  #9415 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Following the sun and skiing... No snow involved just Spending the Kids Inheritance!
Age: 75
Posts: 172
Originally Posted by G-CPTN View Post
I believe that the eargesplitten loudenboomertube is a straight-through exhaustpipe.
Thanks for that. Can I add it to my list?

Glossary of English / German Motoring Terms

INDICATORS - Die blinkenleitenmitticken furturnen
BONNET - Der pullnob und fingerpinscherknucklechoppen
EXHAUST - Das spitzenpoppenbangentuben
SPEEDOMETER - Der egobooster und lineschootinbackeruppen
CLUTCH - Der kuplink mit schlippen und shaken
PUNCTURE - Das pflatt mit bludyhellendamnundblasten
LEARNER - Das dumkopff mit elplatz
ESTATE CAR - Der schnogginwagen mit bagzeroomfurrompininderback
PARKING METER - Der clockenwerrinfiftypenzpinscher
WINDSCREEN WIPER - Der flippenfloppenmucjenschpredder
POWER BRAKES - Die schtoppenquick mit edbangenonderwindskreen
FUEL GUAGE - Der walletemptyingmeter
BREATHALYSER - Die blowineerfurp*ssartist
REARVIEW-MIRROR - Der datbastadisttookklosen
SEAT BELT - Der klunkenclicken frauleintrapper
HEADLIGHTS - Der dippendontdazzelbasted
EXHAUST FUMES - Der koffenschpluttenairpolluten
HIGHWAY CODE - Der wipenfurarsen
FOG WARNING - Die puttenclogdownen und fukkitt
REAR SEAT - Der schpringentester
TYRES - Das pflattfharts
BACKFIRE - Der lowdenbangenmekkenjumpen
JUGGERNAUT - Der fukkengrettrukken
ACCIDENT - Der bludymess
NEAR MISS - Der pfewennearschittennselfen
GARAGE - Die heiwayrobebrung
CYCLIST - Der pedallpuschinkpilloken
SKID - Der bananenwaltzen
DOUBLE WHITE LINES - Das offertakeifudair und krunchitt
AIR HORNS - Der vhatderhellvosdatklaxenfanfaren
MINI - Die buzzbocksen mit trafficveerinkfistschakin und fingerraisin
MOTOR CLUB - Der meetinhaus furtungwaggin, elbowraisin und chattinupderberdz
CROSSROAD - Das Kussundkersenschvervinstrassekrossen
ROUNDABOUT - Der eeoohezitaetesizloszt
T-JUNCTION - Das vergutenssakendontgoschtrateonnenkorner
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Old 14th Jan 2017, 17:03
  #9416 (permalink)  
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Thanks for that - I used to have a list of those terms - but it has been many years since I knew where to find it.
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Old 14th Jan 2017, 18:07
  #9417 (permalink)  
Paid...Persona Grata
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Between BHX and EMA
Age: 73
Posts: 236
Tim - well if it doesn't involve manual stimulation it's not about this then:-

First we had TEA BREAKS

Then we had DINNER BREAKS

Next it will be WANK BREAKS

Pilots - be sure to use the right joystick!

Last edited by UniFoxOs; 15th Jan 2017 at 12:17.
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Old 14th Jan 2017, 18:21
  #9418 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Dorset
Age: 66
Posts: 18
Well no, it's not actually about that, but it sort of involves a "break". Actually I'm not sure I should tell it anyway
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Old 14th Jan 2017, 19:22
  #9419 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: near an airplane
Posts: 1,289
We're all waiting to hear it now!

In a convent in Ireland, the 99-year-old Mother Superior lay quietly.

She was dying. The Nuns had gathered around her bed, laying garlands around her
and trying to make her last journey comfortable. They wanted to give her
warm milk to drink but she declined.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been
received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they lifted her head gently and held the glass to her lips.

The very frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up very slowly in the bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:

"DON'T SELL THAT COW."
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Old 14th Jan 2017, 20:35
  #9420 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,510
Old Chinese proverb.

"dog that run in front of car get tyred."
"dog that run after car get exhausted."

Ha zo!
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