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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 19th Apr 2012, 18:10
  #921 (permalink)  
 
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Durex have confirmed that they received an order for 30,000 condoms from a London address, with distribution to a significant number of addresses in and around London.

When they queried the order they were told it was because they have a reputation for covering Pks, when they asked who it was for they were told it was for the Metropolitan Police as there are 30,000 of them.
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Old 20th Apr 2012, 02:42
  #922 (permalink)  
 
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I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
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Old 20th Apr 2012, 05:47
  #923 (permalink)  
 
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Old 20th Apr 2012, 07:31
  #924 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
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Nadine and Jill were talking about their sex lives and Nadine said that her new boyfriend always wants to perform cunnilingus, all the time.

"Wow," said Jill, "You are really lucky, but if you want to prevent him from doing that, just rub a little garlic down there."

Nadine said, "I tried that already, and the next night he came to bed with some bread, olive oil, and a head of lettuce."
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Old 20th Apr 2012, 09:40
  #925 (permalink)  
 
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A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic. Soon, he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'. He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success. Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his cell phone (Thank god for cell phones!). "Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?" "Don't worry," replied the customer service rep, "The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day, now...
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Old 20th Apr 2012, 11:05
  #926 (permalink)  
 
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Stella Awards, 2011

It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards' for 2011
(For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving).

*SEVENTH PLACE*

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son!!

*SIXTH PLACE*

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps!

*FIFTH PLACE*

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.
Forced to sit for eight days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish.
Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish. We should all have this kind of anguish.

*FOURTH PLACE*

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle 'might have been provoked' at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

*THIRD PLACE*

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone.
The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
What ever happened to people being responsible for their own actions?

*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware, sued the owner of a night club in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth- even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge.
The jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000....plus dental expenses.

* FIRST PLACE*

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot Winnebago motor home.
On her first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.
Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owners manual that she couldn't actually leave the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.

Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit, just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a motor home.

How great is the American judicial system for such DUMB actions!!!
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Old 20th Apr 2012, 11:41
  #927 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by Canardly View Post
It's time again for the annual 'Stella Awards' for 2011
(For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving).

<snip>
snopes.com: Stella Awards
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Old 20th Apr 2012, 12:59
  #928 (permalink)  
 
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I reckon this lady has to be a contender.
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Old 20th Apr 2012, 16:28
  #929 (permalink)  
 
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I believe the Judge said that if she had been reading a book, or sleeping, or some other legal activity when the incident happened she would be entitled to claim damages.

Having sex is not an illegal activity. She was travelling on business and her employer had booked that h/motel for her. Therefore she was entitled to her claim.

Makes sense to me.
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Old 20th Apr 2012, 17:35
  #930 (permalink)  
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Having sex is not an illegal activity

A favourite example of mine from the courts dealing with labour matters.

A salesman in France enroute from city A to city C deviated to city B where he had a mistress. Next morning on leaving her home he was involved in a RTA.

His firm refused to pay for the damage to his vehicle as they claimed he had left the direct path from city A to city C.

The case went to the courts, the judge ruled in favour of the salesman, if I remember the words of the judgement correctly: "...because after all, he had to spend the night somewhere, and what could be more natural that if he had a mistress, he deviated from his path somewhat to spend the night with her..."

Pragmatic people, the French.



Slasher: the bow ? What bow ? Nice triceps brachii, though.
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Old 20th Apr 2012, 18:49
  #931 (permalink)  
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Old 20th Apr 2012, 21:16
  #932 (permalink)  
 
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F.P OBN

those look like **lymax SBR speed control version 1a, now long since superseded by improved versins; ideal for 15mph control or thereabouts. However in my humble opinion mounting them in that site is probably not the best choice, given the surface is either brick or fired clay block paving. This usually results in a deterioration of the surface and, if can happen, water penetrates the mounting points followed by freezing conditions it is quite possible that the brick/fired clay clock will split, then the actual speed bumps themselves become detached and before you know it the local yobbos have walked off with the lot!

Also looks a bit of a bodge job, not exactly parallel, and the yellow/black markings should be consistently offset on each alternate row.

tsk tsk tsk
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Old 20th Apr 2012, 22:13
  #933 (permalink)  
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with a girlfriend like that, what would your driveway look like?

(its stamped asphalt)

Last edited by FlightPathOBN; 20th Apr 2012 at 22:53.
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Old 20th Apr 2012, 23:40
  #934 (permalink)  
 
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Huh?

FPOBN, I'm kind of with Slasher and you on this... G & T, did you miss the key points of of the photo, or is it tongue in cheek :-)

Canardly - only 11 years late as gold frog points out...

Maybe we need to go back to a once a week forum. Or would that lead to even more repetition?
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Old 20th Apr 2012, 23:57
  #935 (permalink)  
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Concur, that post by Slasher....damn...(although she is probably pointing it at him)
Cheers!
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Old 21st Apr 2012, 00:33
  #936 (permalink)  
 
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Totally PC-incorrect joke

(I know that in these wonderful multi-cultural times, we should really include an Imam or Ayatollah, but anyway. Bugger PC).


Three Holy Men and a Bear

A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.

They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around.
So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip.
In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear.
And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me.
So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus..Hallelujah!

The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape.

The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, ....circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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Old 21st Apr 2012, 08:50
  #937 (permalink)  
 
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Just got back from a holiday in Thailand, and came that close to shaggin' a ladyboy.

Looked like a woman, spoke like a woman, walked like a woman and kissed like a woman.

It was only when she drove me back to her place and reversed into a narrow parking space, in the dark, with no problem, I thought.....just a minute!

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Old 21st Apr 2012, 09:45
  #938 (permalink)  
 
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kissed like a woman
makes one wonder how much expertise you have with kissing non-women... also to take a closer look at the jerk-neighbour parking like a jerk.
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Old 21st Apr 2012, 10:05
  #939 (permalink)  
 
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Dai proposed to Megan and had been accepted."But", added Megan, "before we get married I must tell you something dreadful about my past life.

""No," said Dai, "I won't hear of it. You can tell me after we're married." After they were married and had set off for their honeymoon in Penarth,



Megan again brought up the subject of her "dreadful secret".No," said Dai, "it can wait. Tell me when we're in bed together, that'll be soon enough.



"That night as they got into bed Megan declared "Well, Dai, now I really do have to tell you my secret.You see, I'm a virgin."Dai didn't say a word



but put on his clothes and travelled all the way back to his mother's house."Dai!" said his mother, "what are you doing here, you're supposed to be



on your honeymoon.""It's no good Mam", said Dai, "I've had to leave Megan; it turns out she's a virgin."Well, Dai," said his mother,



"in that case you were quite right to come home. If she's not good enough for the rest of the village she's not good enough for you.
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Old 21st Apr 2012, 12:30
  #940 (permalink)  
 
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@goldfrog & dwshimoda

Hey - my bad!!! Thought this was a 'JOKES' thread (ie did not have to be factually correct in every sense).

As I wasn't here 11 years ago & don't feel the need to research if what I post is already here, it was posted as "HUMOUR"!!

Ok - I'm over it!!
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