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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 15th Dec 2016, 15:26
  #9121 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Surrey
Posts: 155
Sad news... the managing director of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trekking across the Antarctic.
He said that his "...anger management course has helped with distemper...."

but he couldn't find anything to mask the frieze
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Old 15th Dec 2016, 20:21
  #9122 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Posts: 809
One for the musicians

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Old 16th Dec 2016, 06:19
  #9123 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: At Home
Posts: 35
Consultants

A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization’s efficiency:

Last week, we took some friends to a new Indian restaurant, 'Muthu's Place,' and noticed that the Indian waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the Indian staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

'Oh, certainly!' Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 56.39%.'

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'

'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
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Old 16th Dec 2016, 10:15
  #9124 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Edinburgh
Age: 81
Posts: 45
Another very old joke:-
The business was in a bad way, and a new manager was appointed.
The outgoing manager gave the newbie three envelopes, 'A', 'B' and 'C', to be opened only in times of crisis, and strictly in alpha order.
First crisis soon arrived, he opened 'A', the enclosure was a single word, "Re-organise"
He did, but things scarcely improved and he was soon in crisis again and opened 'B'. This time the enclosure had two words, "Appoint consultants".
As expected, they only made matters even worse, and in despair he opened 'C'. This time the enclosure had three words:-

"Prepare three envelopes".
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Old 16th Dec 2016, 10:50
  #9125 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 16th Dec 2016, 12:45
  #9126 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wild West Yorkshire
Age: 57
Posts: 3
But who now owns all the oil under Ground Zero Island?
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Old 16th Dec 2016, 13:01
  #9127 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,206
71077345?

PDR
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Old 16th Dec 2016, 13:03
  #9128 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
Posts: 5,393
Originally Posted by Random SLF View Post
But who now owns all the oil under Ground Zero Island?
That will be sorted out in court, since all of the major families in that region have expats in the UK. The betting shops in London will be busy, and the real estate rush to southern Egypt and Sudan will make the City of fortune. Start buying huge tracts of land, in the opposite of Swamp Castle terrain, in Sudan today. Operators are standing by to take your order and deposit.
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Old 16th Dec 2016, 14:56
  #9129 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wild West Yorkshire
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That will be sorted out in court
... in such a way that the lawyers themselves end up owning it, no doubt - drat, Drat and DOUBLE DRAT!!!
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Old 16th Dec 2016, 15:28
  #9130 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Eternal Beach
Posts: 1,028
Random SLF...

Anyone with an operable Geiger counter

halas
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Old 16th Dec 2016, 15:32
  #9131 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2001
Location: Florida
Age: 47
Posts: 411
My wife loves going shopping for things that have been marked down.

Yesterday she came home with an escalator.

Last edited by vaqueroaero; 16th Dec 2016 at 15:43.
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Old 16th Dec 2016, 17:22
  #9132 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: Norfolk
Age: 63
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PDR1
That arming/launch code has expired! Need a more up to date one...
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Old 16th Dec 2016, 17:37
  #9133 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Confoederatio Helvetica
Age: 64
Posts: 2,846
Read it like an Australian. Clue: 710 = OIL
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Old 16th Dec 2016, 18:47
  #9134 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
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Originally Posted by ExXB View Post
Read it like an Australian. Clue: 710 = OIL
That post was calculated to expose those who are as old as me...

PDR
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Old 16th Dec 2016, 18:55
  #9135 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Do I come here often?
Posts: 888
Ah but PDR;

Just remember the joy that typing in 58008 618 gave us back then.

SND
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Old 17th Dec 2016, 12:58
  #9136 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 17th Dec 2016, 14:42
  #9137 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 65
Posts: 53
Got to keep your hand in.
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Old 17th Dec 2016, 14:55
  #9138 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Belgium
Posts: 81
That desperate hope to find a diamond ring one day....
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Old 17th Dec 2016, 15:07
  #9139 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
A very sad day today. After several years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after just one minor indiscretion - he slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of all that training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an excellent mortician.
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Old 17th Dec 2016, 15:51
  #9140 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,509
And she was a dead ringer for his last girlfriend? No doubt.
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