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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 14th Nov 2016, 09:59
  #8961 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
ricardian is offline  
Old 14th Nov 2016, 13:21
  #8962 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,768
About this time of the year, older taxpayers will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:
* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to China , Taiwan or Sri Lanka
* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs
* If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala
* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea
* If you purchase useless stuff it will go to Taiwan
* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in the UK by:
1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on prostitutes
4. Buying beer or whisky
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )
Conclusion: Be patriotic - go to a night club with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night !
No need to thank me...just glad I could be of help..
Lon More is offline  
Old 14th Nov 2016, 14:36
  #8963 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: No idea - what does the GPS say?
Age: 60
Posts: 62
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow centre of the curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day. He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork. A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ......
…..and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!
We all love a happy ending…

Dave and his wife Shae went to the state fair every year, and every year Dave would say, “Shae,I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”
Shae always replied, “I know Dave, but that helicopter ride is hundred bucks, and hundred bucks is hundred bucks.”
One year Dave and Shae went to the fair, and Dave said, ‘Shae, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.’
To this, Shae replied, “Dave that helicopter ride is hundred bucks, and hundred bucks is hundred bucks.”
The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny! But if you say one word it’s hundred dollars.”
Dave and Shae agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Dave and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”
Dave replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Shae fell out, but you know, hundred bucks is hundred bucks!”

Last edited by MoateAir; 14th Nov 2016 at 15:44.
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Old 14th Nov 2016, 18:50
  #8964 (permalink)  
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: West Wiltshire, UK
Age: 67
Posts: 369
Not really a joke, but a true story that I've remembered from the first tale above by MoateAir (which I enjoyed, BTW).

It was a dark, wet night, and I was driving back to Helston (Cornwall - near Culdrose) after a night out in Penzance. This was in the days before mobile phones, and I didn't see another car on the road (it was around 02:00 mind). Coming around a bend, maybe 5 miles from Helston, I saw a car pulled into the side of the road, looking as if it has broken down. Being a kind-hearted soul, and having a reasonable tool kit in the boot of the car, I stopped, got out and walked over to the other car to see if I could offer assistance.

The driver's door window was wound down, and I asked if I could help. The young lady driver replied that she'd be very grateful if I could, as her car had been broken down there for half an hour and I was the first person to stop and offer to help.

At that moment I realised that the "young lady" was my ex, who had seriously f***ed me over a year previously, taking me for most of what I had. I smiled sweetly at her, as I lent in the open drivers door window and said "Seeing as it's you, you can go f*** yourself", and then walked back to my car, got in, and drove all the way home with the biggest smile my face had ever seen.

Sometimes, revenge is very definitely a dish best served cold..........................
VP959 is online now  
Old 14th Nov 2016, 20:10
  #8965 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Near the watter...
Age: 73
Posts: 251
Apropos the shrimp-in-the-curtain-rod tale.... I knew an irascible calibration engineer who was a serial flat sharer. He always left these under a cloud, and it was invariably not his fault. Hs revenge method was to put a kipper inside the back of the television...back in the days of nice warm CRTs.....
Molemot is offline  
Old 14th Nov 2016, 20:49
  #8966 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
ricardian is offline  
Old 15th Nov 2016, 02:50
  #8967 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: The Smaller Antipode
Age: 85
Posts: 16
Sometimes, revenge is very definitely a dish best served cold..........................
Don't get mad, get even.

A long time bumper sticker under my desktop glass - then I did, and removed it !
ExSp33db1rd is offline  
Old 15th Nov 2016, 09:14
  #8968 (permalink)  
Man Bilong Balus long PNG
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: And once again, the fun and good times having come to an end for yet another year, back in the cold, cruel real world and continuing the seemingly never ending search for that bad bottle of Red
Age: 65
Posts: 2,567
Don't get mad, get even.
And with Interest! (preferably compound, but simple is ok!)
Pinky the pilot is offline  
Old 15th Nov 2016, 13:47
  #8969 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Lincolnshire
Age: 76
Posts: 16,622
I once had a complaint against me at work. 9 years later I returned the compliment.
Pontius Navigator is online now  
Old 15th Nov 2016, 19:59
  #8970 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
ricardian is offline  
Old 16th Nov 2016, 02:14
  #8971 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Canada/Malaysia
Age: 79
Posts: 118
With all the new technology regarding fertility, recently a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

‘May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After another few minutes had elapsed,

I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'

'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

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Old 16th Nov 2016, 08:49
  #8972 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,768
Queen Elizabeth and Kate are driving in their Bentley and are forced off the road by masked robbers.
Robbers: Give us your jewels and money, where's your diamond tiara?
QE: I left it on my dressing table.
Robbers: What about you, where's the engagement ring from Andrew?
Kate: I left it in my loo.
Robbers: Well get out of the car we'll be taking that...
As they walk along...
QE: I didn't really leave my tiara on my dressing table, I put it in my yoohoo.
Kate: I didn't really leave my ring in my loo, I put it in my yoohoo.
After a few seconds of silence...
QE: It's too bad Camilla wasn't with us... we could have saved the Bentley.
Lon More is offline  
Old 16th Nov 2016, 09:06
  #8973 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Confoederatio Helvetica
Age: 64
Posts: 2,846
Andrew gave Kate an engagement ring?

(Sounds like this joke has been recycled)
ExXB is offline  
Old 16th Nov 2016, 16:07
  #8974 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
Posts: 699
I put it in my yoohoo.
Lost on me?
funfly is offline  
Old 16th Nov 2016, 16:13
  #8975 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Wild West Yorkshire
Age: 57
Posts: 3
It's a euphemism.
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Old 16th Nov 2016, 16:21
  #8976 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,206
Aka "Lady Jayne" or "a lady's front bottom".

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Old 16th Nov 2016, 17:30
  #8977 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: spacetime
Posts: 259
Uh. Then one assumes the tiara is collapsible.
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Old 16th Nov 2016, 18:18
  #8978 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: E.Wash State
Posts: 600
Originally Posted by gemma10 View Post
Uh. Then one assumes the tiara is collapsible.
But I'll bet those spiky hinges are painful.
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Old 16th Nov 2016, 18:19
  #8979 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Canada/Malaysia
Age: 79
Posts: 118
A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him? 'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. 'A female


So he shows him a prized filly. 'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. 'Nith eyeth, can I thee her


So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. 'Nith earzth, can I thee her


The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the

horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her ****?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's

fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'
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Old 16th Nov 2016, 19:42
  #8980 (permalink)  
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,207
It's a euphemism
isn't that a horn in a brass band?
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