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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 22nd Oct 2016, 00:04
  #8801 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
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Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the 'miracle' products, she asked, 'Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?'
Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, 'Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.'
'Oh, you flatterer!' she gushed.
'Hey, wait a minute,' interrupted Harold. 'I haven't added them up yet!'
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Old 22nd Oct 2016, 04:50
  #8802 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
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Old 22nd Oct 2016, 17:23
  #8803 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: England
Posts: 335
But it probably won't stick.
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Old 23rd Oct 2016, 09:18
  #8804 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
Some woman in Yorkshire just came up to me with an unlit cigarette in her hand and said, "Have you got a light cock?"
I said,"Well, it floats in the bath,"
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Old 23rd Oct 2016, 15:30
  #8805 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: england
Posts: 6
if you're attacked by a group of clowns

go for the juggler
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Old 23rd Oct 2016, 15:34
  #8806 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,219
Slips and Trips can be dangerous...

[/quote]
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Old 23rd Oct 2016, 18:45
  #8807 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
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Old 23rd Oct 2016, 20:44
  #8808 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
Posts: 6,092
Lets see shown to be fake and has pretty much every military service supposedly collecting toys for kids.
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Old 23rd Oct 2016, 23:55
  #8809 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Here
Age: 42
Posts: 13
I saw a tramp sleeping inside a big cardboard box outside the train station this morning. Not wanting to disturb him, I crept over and put a Starbucks coffee cup on top of his box.


He immediately woke up and said, "Thank you." "No problem." I smiled. He looked at me again and said, "It's empty." I said, "I know, it's meant to be a chimney."
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Old 24th Oct 2016, 02:14
  #8810 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: PBI
Posts: 213
Well not exactly fake but a few paragraphs were added

Marine Stabbed by Shoplifter? : snopes.com
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Old 24th Oct 2016, 10:45
  #8811 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
Ouch!
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Old 24th Oct 2016, 13:56
  #8812 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,768
another oldie...

I was in Glasgow last week and thought I would have a look in the job centre, where a vacancy caught my eye. Fanny waxers assistant required. Duties to include washing ladies private parts, applying lotion, and trimming of pubic hair in preparation for waxing. 10 an hour. I thought I would inquire about this and was told I had to go to Dover. " is that where the job is " i asked. " No " said the guy, " it's the end of the ******* queue"
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Old 24th Oct 2016, 17:54
  #8813 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 25th Oct 2016, 00:56
  #8814 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 25th Oct 2016, 10:42
  #8815 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: The Fletcher Memorial Home
Age: 54
Posts: 302
Nicked mercilessly from Farcebook this morning:

"When my wife left I went out and bought a new motorbike and a dog, had great sex with two women and spent over a grand on drugs and booze.

When she gets back from work she's going to go mental....!"
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Old 25th Oct 2016, 11:06
  #8816 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Confoederatio Helvetica
Age: 64
Posts: 2,846
[Pedant] Penguins..., who also live on the opposite side of the planet from polar bears. [\Pedant]
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Old 25th Oct 2016, 11:18
  #8817 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 4,684
They must have got the cymbals from the LSO just down the road from the zoo.
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Old 25th Oct 2016, 11:24
  #8818 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,219
Originally Posted by ExXB View Post
[Pedant] Penguins..., who also live on the opposite side of the planet from polar bears. [\Pedant]
Obviously the penguins aren't real - they're cymbolic.

PDR
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Old 25th Oct 2016, 11:26
  #8819 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 810
I can't remember what 51, 6 and 500 are in Roman numerals.
I'm LIVID
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Old 25th Oct 2016, 15:31
  #8820 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Lincolnshire
Age: 76
Posts: 16,646
Originally Posted by ExXB View Post
[Pedant] Penguins..., who also live on the opposite side of the planet from polar bears. [/Pedant]
Now. That was after they tried that trick
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