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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 5th Sep 2016, 22:44
  #8561 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Cairns
Posts: 33
The European Commission has announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU, rather than German, which was the other contender. Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had room for improvement and has therefore accepted a five-year phasing in of "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make sivil servants jump for joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of the "k", Which should klear up some konfusion and allow one key less on keyboards.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f", making words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e" is disgrasful.
By the fourth yer, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and everivun vil find it ezi to understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI COM TRU!
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Old 6th Sep 2016, 11:27
  #8562 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
 
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The old ones are the best. I think the silent H could go as well then ve vil av a beter wun to
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Old 6th Sep 2016, 12:07
  #8563 (permalink)  
 
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Following Brexit English will cease to be an official language of the EU. You vil be speaking German.
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Old 6th Sep 2016, 12:18
  #8564 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by Stanwell View Post
A couple of clean ones - if you can handle that.

What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Eileen.

What do you call a Japanese woman with one leg shorter than the other?
Irene.
what about the lady with equal length legs ? .......nolene
asian ? ......noreen
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Old 6th Sep 2016, 14:31
  #8565 (permalink)  
 
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The P should be silent - as in 'swimming'.
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Old 7th Sep 2016, 07:54
  #8566 (permalink)  
 
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Following Brexit English will cease to be an official language of the EU. You vil be speaking German.

Or French or Italian (as they do in CH).
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Old 7th Sep 2016, 09:26
  #8567 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by ExXB View Post
Following Brexit English will cease to be an official language of the EU. You vil be speaking German.
It is being discarded in England also, sort of like, innit?
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Old 8th Sep 2016, 00:57
  #8568 (permalink)  
 
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Observations about GrandParents.....surely the post is more about grandkids
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Old 8th Sep 2016, 03:36
  #8569 (permalink)  
 
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Old 8th Sep 2016, 03:37
  #8570 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ExXB View Post
Following Brexit English will cease to be an official language of the EU. You vil be speaking German.
Zu befehl, mein hauptmann!
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Old 8th Sep 2016, 03:43
  #8571 (permalink)  
 
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In the 1980s the Soviet leadership decided to open a strip club in Moscow.

It was a miserable failure.

The commissars in charge of the project were sitting in a meeting pondering what went wrong.

One said, “It couldn’t be the food. It is as good as what goes into the Kremlin.”

Another lamented, “It couldn’t be the vodka. It is the best made in all Russia.”

A third said, “ It couldn’t be the strippers. They all have been loyal Party members since 1942.”
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Old 8th Sep 2016, 04:09
  #8572 (permalink)  
 
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my wife walked in the door and said "I'm home, did you miss me?"

I said with every bullet so far....
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Old 8th Sep 2016, 08:04
  #8573 (permalink)  
 
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'Do not touch.' Must be one of the scariest things to read in braille!
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Old 8th Sep 2016, 08:58
  #8574 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by RAT 5 View Post
Olympic commentators
>
> Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back:
And all 9 would be far funnier if they had actually be said by any sports commentators.
Olympic Goofs : snopes.com
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Old 8th Sep 2016, 15:14
  #8575 (permalink)  
 
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A friend of mine confided in me that last night he got extremely drunk and somehow ate dozens of scrabble pieces. He is worried that his next sh!t could spell disaster.
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Old 8th Sep 2016, 20:49
  #8576 (permalink)  
 
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Unlikely, too many letters
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Old 8th Sep 2016, 21:41
  #8577 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
 
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No joke, but the Braille signs indicating where the toilet are. How do they know where to look?
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Old 8th Sep 2016, 22:06
  #8578 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Pontius Navigator View Post
No joke, but the Braille signs indicating where the toilet are. How do they know where to look?
Follow their nose?
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Old 8th Sep 2016, 22:18
  #8579 (permalink)  
 
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Why do they have Braille keys on drive-through ATM keypads?
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Old 8th Sep 2016, 22:26
  #8580 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
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Khrushchev visited a pig farm and was photographed there.

In the newspaper office, a discussion is underway about how to caption the picture.

"Comrade Khrushchev among pigs,"

"Comrade Khrushchev and pigs," and

"Pigs surround comrade Khrushchev" are all rejected.

Finally, the editor announces his decision:

"Third from left – comrade Khrushchev."
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