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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 30th Aug 2016, 07:20
  #8541 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Malvern, UK
Posts: 397
A slight quibble with 1, it doesn't have enough nines in it. How about 9 to the power of 9/9 to improve it?
I also agree with your quibble. However 9 to the power of 9/9 is 9. But 9 to the power of (9-9) would work.
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Old 30th Aug 2016, 10:12
  #8542 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Age: 76
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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Old 30th Aug 2016, 22:04
  #8543 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
I went to see the RED ARROWS yesterday. (Apologies for aviation content)
There were gasps of "Ooh" and "Aah" as the crowds watched on in amazement. Near miss after near miss had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief.
It was a good half hour's worth of entertainment, but in the end, my wife finally managed to park the car and we made our way to the air show.
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Old 31st Aug 2016, 03:09
  #8544 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 70
Posts: 1,806
When you run yourself a bath, and the water is too hot, what do they call it?

They call it a Monkey Bath. Why?

That's because you go, "Ooo Ooo Ooo, Aaah Aaah Aaah", as you lower yourself into it.
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Old 31st Aug 2016, 03:58
  #8545 (permalink)  
TWT
 
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onetrack,that one was done 4 posts previous to yours (post #8558)
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Old 31st Aug 2016, 11:27
  #8546 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Edinburgh
Age: 81
Posts: 44
VERY OLD JOKE
Mick decides to better himself and saves up for a brain transplant. He is offered a menu of sources (choose your own sources if/when you tell this 'joke'), pilot's, engineer's, lawyer's, etc. The pilot's and engineer's brains are only 1,000 per ounce, but the lawyer's brains are 10,000 per ounce. Nothing but the best for Mick, and he invests in a lawyer's brain. When he recovers from the op, he asks why the lawyer's brain was so much more expensive than the engineer's or pilot's.
"Well, you see, we have to kill so many lawyers to find an ounce of brain!"
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Old 31st Aug 2016, 12:20
  #8547 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 472
"Well, you see, we have to kill so many lawyers to find an ounce of brain!"
...but it's good value, because it's never been used.
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Old 1st Sep 2016, 20:22
  #8548 (permalink)  
 
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Old 2nd Sep 2016, 17:03
  #8549 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Following the sun and skiing... No snow involved just Spending the Kids Inheritance!
Age: 75
Posts: 172
Not seen this one on here before...

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Old 2nd Sep 2016, 21:18
  #8550 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 1999
Location: Hyeres, France
Posts: 1
I saw a huge, fat woman in the supermarket today.

She was wearing a T-shirt that had GUESS written on the front of it.

So I said Thyroid ?
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Old 3rd Sep 2016, 11:01
  #8551 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 3rd Sep 2016, 12:42
  #8552 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 157
Observations about GrandParents
(Author unknown)

1. She was in the bathroom, and putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. And after she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings.. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. What's it about?" he asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool "That's interesting," she said, how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
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Old 3rd Sep 2016, 12:46
  #8553 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Currently within the EU
Posts: 322
Ricardian,
For the Apostrophe Police your picture wouldn't need the photoshop job.
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Old 3rd Sep 2016, 13:10
  #8554 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
 
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Location: Lincolnshire
Age: 76
Posts: 16,610
Sallyann, coach for one fan perhaps?
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Old 3rd Sep 2016, 17:09
  #8555 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Currently within the EU
Posts: 322
Exactly
.
.
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Old 3rd Sep 2016, 18:38
  #8556 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Chedburgh, Bury St.Edmunds
Age: 77
Posts: 1,106
Grandma, how do you spell 'orse?'. 'I've told you before, Jack, it's not 'orse' it's Horse'!..... 'I've already got the 'h' down.....'
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Old 4th Sep 2016, 11:36
  #8557 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,510
Mother-in-law does not have too friendly a relationship with her daughter-in-law. In a bitchy moment she says, "you know, your son does not look too much like my son???" To which the D- in- L lifts her skirt and says, "you know, this is not a fecking photocopier."
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Old 4th Sep 2016, 13:04
  #8558 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 4th Sep 2016, 13:23
  #8559 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 1998
Location: Mesopotamos
Posts: 1,269
I used to be in love with the mother in law, then I married her daughter.

-------

An oldie but a goodie.

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Old 4th Sep 2016, 17:07
  #8560 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,510
Olympic commentators
>
> Here are the top nine comments made by sports commentators during the Olympics that they would like to take back:
>
> 1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
>
> 2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
>
> 3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
>
> 4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
>
> 5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
>
> 6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
>
> 7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
>
> 8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
>
> 9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . .
> Oh my God, what have I just said?"
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