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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 17th Aug 2016, 11:06
  #8481 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: The Fletcher Memorial Home
Age: 54
Posts: 302
Another oldie

A young boy is the the garden with his grandad, and grandad is doing some weeding in the flower beds. As the old man tuns over the earth, a worm comes out of a hole in the earth and starts wiggling away over the flower bed.

Grandad turns to the boy and says "If you can get that worm back in its hole I'll give you 50 cents".

The boy thinks for a second then runs back into the house. He comes back a couple of minutes later with his mums can of hairspray, and picks the worm up by one end. The worm hangs straight down for a second, so the boy sprays the worm with hair spray which sets and keeps the worm straight. The boy them lines up the worm against the hole it came out of and slowly inserts the worm into the hole.

Grandad has been watching the whole thing, so he pats the boy on the head and says he will pay him tomorrow.

The next day the boy rushes to Grandad and holds out his hand. Grandad reaches into his pocket, takes out a coin and says "He's the 50 cents I owed you", then reaches into his wallet, takes out a banknote and says "and here's 5 dollars from grandma...."
Ogre is offline  
Old 17th Aug 2016, 12:37
  #8482 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Here
Age: 42
Posts: 13
I was in Turkey on holiday and came across one of those Turkish bath houses.

They shaved with a solid steel stone ground razor from below the neckline, inside the ears, snipped out nose hairs, waxed off chest hairs and plucked all the hairs out of the ass crack, all finished off with a moustache trim and alcohol rub.

Honestly, the wife's never looked so frickin' good.
BadgerGrowler is offline  
Old 17th Aug 2016, 14:44
  #8483 (permalink)  
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Forced retirement
Posts: 1,151
I'm so feckin angry right now !!!!!!!! 😡😡😡
Just popped back from visiting my mother in law, pulled outside my house to find there are 4 police cars & 6 police officers in my house The front door has been knocked off the hinges, stuff everywhere, & apparently they were looking for something. So I'm stuck outside in my car, raging. The police officers are inside and searching through everything, even my washing. They checked inside my cupboards under my mattress. They tore my things apart. So, as you can imagine, I'm getting upset i am, im tearing my heart out I'm trying figure out what's going on.
I asked if they had a search warrant, & if I could see it. The officer in my bedroom yells, "Where did you hide it at? We know it's here! We are searching."
Then I shout back, "If I had an idea of what you're looking for sir, maybe I could help!" He gives me the "you wanna go to prison?" look, so I shut up and watch one of the other police officers look down at his phone.
Then he shouts, "Guys Stop! Hold on. We're in the wrong house! The Pokémon is next door!"
blue up is offline  
Old 17th Aug 2016, 14:47
  #8484 (permalink)  
Join Date: Dec 2000
Location: Forced retirement
Posts: 1,151
Evidently Lawyers are a bit like human sperm in that they have a one in fifty million chance of becoming a worthwhile human being.
blue up is offline  
Old 17th Aug 2016, 22:20
  #8485 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
Posts: 6,005
Was in a job interview today where manager handed me a laptop and said "I want you to try and Sell this to me".

So I left with it under my arm.

2 hours later he on the phone......................... give me my laptop back.

I just said "Ł200 and it yours."
racedo is offline  
Old 18th Aug 2016, 12:41
  #8486 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 807
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping centre and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde woman, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"
ricardian is offline  
Old 18th Aug 2016, 15:05
  #8487 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
Posts: 5,362
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty young blonde woman, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in 'Park'?"
To which you doubtless responded
"I've heard it called shrubbery, bush, cuckoo's nest, and garden, but I'll put I'll be happy to put it in the park if that's what you call it."
Lonewolf_50 is offline  
Old 19th Aug 2016, 00:25
  #8488 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Canada/Malaysia
Age: 79
Posts: 117

...oh my...hope Hilary ain't next...
BlankBox is offline  
Old 19th Aug 2016, 06:48
  #8489 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Yellowknife
Posts: 41

Some jokes write themselves.
spInY nORmAn is offline  
Old 19th Aug 2016, 08:03
  #8490 (permalink)  
Gnome de PPRuNe
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Too close to Croydon for comfort
Age: 55
Posts: 5,906
And repeat themselves too!
treadigraph is offline  
Old 19th Aug 2016, 12:51
  #8491 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Orstralia
Posts: 295
Angela Merkel went to Greece, and was at the customs counter at the airport.

Customs Officer: 'Occupation?'

Mrs Merkel: 'No, just a brief visit.'
RJM is offline  
Old 19th Aug 2016, 15:54
  #8492 (permalink)  
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 5,168
keriste ...... I feel like I'm watching a groundhog day movie again over and over expecting something new when I wake up in the morning

maybe I can at least get laid again each time there is a repeat
lomapaseo is offline  
Old 19th Aug 2016, 17:29
  #8493 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: San Jose
Posts: 726
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue:

NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.
llondel is offline  
Old 19th Aug 2016, 19:15
  #8494 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Currently within the EU
Posts: 322
But there's very little there to offend.
Sallyann1234 is offline  
Old 19th Aug 2016, 20:11
  #8495 (permalink)  
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Sydney
Posts: 9
Stop it or you will go blind

My friend only informed me tonight that he just came back from the International Blind Masturbating Championship... He still doesn't know where he came!
ozslf is offline  
Old 20th Aug 2016, 02:45
  #8496 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 70
Posts: 1,806

Husband says to wife;

"My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I'll wear Gold tonight."

Wife says;

"Why not wear Silver, and come second for a change??"
onetrack is offline  
Old 20th Aug 2016, 11:02
  #8497 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Orstralia
Posts: 295
Another friend, a total tosser, was in a wanking competition at school and came 1st, 4th and 9th.
RJM is offline  
Old 20th Aug 2016, 13:12
  #8498 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
Posts: 699
I didn't do very well in the competition although I had done very well in the rehearsals a couple of hours before.
funfly is offline  
Old 20th Aug 2016, 14:13
  #8499 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Somerset
Posts: 57
I was in B&Q the other day in the timber section, some bloke came up to me in an orange apron and asked if I wanted decking! Luckily I got the first punch in before it got ugly.
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Old 20th Aug 2016, 14:28
  #8500 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 1998
Location: Mesopotamos
Posts: 1,269
Breaking into cars in a multi-story carpark is wrong on so many levels.
cattletruck is offline  

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