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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 8th Jul 2016, 16:46
  #8321 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Canadian Shield
Posts: 536
A few years ago a friend decided on a trip to Italy. Being a Catholic, he hoped to tie in a trip to Rome to see the Pope perform one of his addresses to the faithful at the Vatican.

Being a bit short of the necessary, he travelled light, hitchhiking and camping most of the way across Europe with his foldable tent.

Anyway, the night before the Pope's Sunday address, he arrived on foot and pitched his tent in St. Peter's Square.

The Pope duly appeared and began his Sunday blessing to the crowd which by now numbered in the thousands. Then he suddenly noticed the tent pitched in the middle of the Square and stopped short in mid-blessing....

The crowd was transfixed as the Pontiff disappeared from the balcony, descended into the square, walked across to the tent and raised his right arm and hand in the motion of a personal blessing. 'What's so special about him???' everyone thought.

Eventually the Pope left and returned to the Vatican. My mate was mobbed by the faithful and paparazzi all demanding to know what blessing the Pope had bestowed upon him.

'What blessing?' he asked. He told me to "TAKE DOWN THAT TENT AND OFF!!!"
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Old 8th Jul 2016, 17:20
  #8322 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,509
I was at an outside pool/BBQ party, with entertainers, when this uninvited guest dropped in like a lead balloon. When asked why he was here he said "I'm the surprise element."
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Old 8th Jul 2016, 18:15
  #8323 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Texas
Age: 60
Posts: 5,393
The costume party (fancy dress?) was going to be the event of the season. People went out of their way to come up with novel attire. The hostess each guest at the door, marveling at the innovation, and asking what a costume was if she didn't recognize it.
As the last of the guests were arriving, she noticed the two at the back of the line who seemed to be -- in the dim evening light -- mostly unclothed. Sure enough, the last couple approached the door and came into the light.
The man had nothing on, was covered in black body paint, and hand an entrenching tool bound to his torso, also painted jet black. His date was a lovely brunette wearing nothing but black shoes and black gloves.
The hostess cleared her throat:
"This is a costume party, not a clothing optional party. Are you sure you are at the correct address?"
The man replied:
"Yes, I'm dressed as the ace of spades."
His date smiled sweetly and concluded "I'm the five of clubs."
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Old 8th Jul 2016, 18:32
  #8324 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 65
Posts: 53
My girlfriend and I went to a fancy dress party naked. As we got to the door my girlfriend jumped on my back. The surprised hostess asked me what I came as, I replied. "A snail and this is Michelle."
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Old 8th Jul 2016, 19:19
  #8325 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: North Up
Posts: 489
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Old 8th Jul 2016, 19:44
  #8326 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
Doctor "I have some bad news and some even worse news"
Patient "OK, give me the bad news first"
Doctor "You have just 24 hours to live"
Patient "What news can be worse than that!"
Doctor "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday"
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Old 9th Jul 2016, 00:38
  #8327 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 483
Klu Klux Klansman goes to the same doc and gets the same message - bad news and worse news. "OK", he says, "give me the bad news first."
"You're going to die." says the doc.
"What can be worse than that?" asks the KKK man.
"You have sickle cell anaemia." says the doc.
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Old 9th Jul 2016, 00:50
  #8328 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Glens o' Angus by way of LA
Age: 56
Posts: 1,974
Two fish swimming along hit a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says damn
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Old 9th Jul 2016, 01:14
  #8329 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Japan
Posts: 654
Down at the petrol station today, I see they have built an aviary at the back. As I was paying I asked the cashier what it was for.


"Oh, we have a pet crane that has grown a bit too large for his cage," he said.
"Mind if I have a look?" I asked.
"Er, well, he's probably doing his meditation right now, so don't expect any movement from him."
"A bird that meditates?" I asked surprised.
"We call him Esso Derrick", he says.
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Old 9th Jul 2016, 04:31
  #8330 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 55
Posts: 35
more brexit

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Old 9th Jul 2016, 07:25
  #8331 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: spacetime
Posts: 259
Man walks into a bar pointing a gun and shouts out "Which one of you men had sex with my wife last night" Man at the back of the bar says "You aint got enough bullets".
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Old 9th Jul 2016, 09:31
  #8332 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: fairly close to the colonial capitol
Age: 51
Posts: 1,687
Wally was on his deathbed. His wife at his side.
Wally: Sweetheart, there is something you should know.
His wife says: Don't worry. I'm sure it's okay.
Wally: No, no, you really need to hear this.
Wife: Alright dear. What is it?
Wally works up the energy and courage and in a few
moments tells his wife: "I am so sorry. I just can't face
dying without you knowing, dear. I, I cheated on you.
With your best friend, with your cousin and just...,
[Wally coughs a bit and takes a breath] and just last week
I slept with your sister.
Wife answers:
I know dear. Just lie back and let the poison do it's work.
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Old 9th Jul 2016, 11:15
  #8333 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: At work (Often)
Posts: 17
Man walks into a bar pointing a gun and shouts out "Which one of you men had sex with my wife last night" Man at the back of the bar says "You aint got enough bullets".
That was a 'gem'.
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Old 9th Jul 2016, 11:37
  #8334 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: fairly close to the colonial capitol
Age: 51
Posts: 1,687
That was a 'gem'.
It really was.
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Old 9th Jul 2016, 12:17
  #8335 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
ricardian is offline  
Old 9th Jul 2016, 16:11
  #8336 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,206
Finally, after years of living in denial, a horse walks into an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
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Old 9th Jul 2016, 16:12
  #8337 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
Posts: 1,206
Women who carry a few surplus pounds generally have a better life expectancy than men who mention it.

PDR
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Old 9th Jul 2016, 18:42
  #8338 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 5909N 00238W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
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Old 10th Jul 2016, 02:27
  #8339 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 55
Posts: 35
A two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 200 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.
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Old 10th Jul 2016, 02:29
  #8340 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: PA
Age: 55
Posts: 35
A blonde gets to fly in an airplane for the first time. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....."

She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cockpit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!"

There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."


Taxiing down the tarmac, the 747 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a two hour delay, it finally took off.
Barry, a worried passenger asked the steward, 'What was the problem?'
'The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine', explained the flight attendant, 'and it took us a while to find a new pilot.'
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