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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 15th Jun 2016, 18:32
  #8201 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Edinburgh
Age: 81
Posts: 45
The inch is bigger than it was.
The pre-war inch was 2.5399978 cm.
Now it is 2.54 cm.
Is that funny ha-ha or funny peculiar?
Probably neither; sorry for thread drift!
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Old 15th Jun 2016, 20:58
  #8202 (permalink)  
I don't own this space under my name. I should have leased it while I still could
 
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Location: Lincolnshire
Age: 76
Posts: 16,622
After the war we couldn't afford the extra 0.0000264
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Old 15th Jun 2016, 20:59
  #8203 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2000
Location: last time I looked I was still here.
Posts: 4,509
Just imagine what the Food Safety folk would make of this practice nowadays!

Easy: wear a hi-viz jacket. QED.
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Old 16th Jun 2016, 04:40
  #8204 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
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An alternative version of the Disney story:


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Old 17th Jun 2016, 23:55
  #8205 (permalink)  
 
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2 very little old ladies, Myrtle and Ethel are in the car together. Ethel looks up and sees they went through a red light. A few moments pass and Ethel sees another red light go past. Ethel: "Myrtle, that's the second red light we've gone through!" Myrtle: "Oh! Am I driving?"
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Old 18th Jun 2016, 18:37
  #8206 (permalink)  
 
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Location: Farnham, Surrey
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Old 18th Jun 2016, 18:53
  #8207 (permalink)  
Resident insomniac
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: N54 58 34 W02 01 21
Age: 75
Posts: 1,859
I was an inpatient in hospital.

I overheard a supervisor discussing the cleaning of the 'bathroom' - a shared room with bath, shower, handbasin and toilet.

They were discussing whose responsibility it was to move the stool.

I thought "Is it too difficult to move a stool to complete the cleaning?".

It was some time later when the reality of the situation dawned . . .
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Old 19th Jun 2016, 21:34
  #8208 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 809
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a none-too-bright chap listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The non-too-bright chap asked, “How am I supposed to know when I’m at 300 feet?”
“That’s a good question," said the instructor. "When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground.”
After pondering his answer, the none-too-bright chap asked, “What happens if there’s no one there I know?”
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Old 19th Jun 2016, 21:58
  #8209 (permalink)  
Resident insomniac
 
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One student asked the parachute instructor how long did he have to pull the rip cord?

"The rest of your life" was the reply.
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Old 20th Jun 2016, 19:25
  #8210 (permalink)  
 
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Old 20th Jun 2016, 19:59
  #8211 (permalink)  
 
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A man was driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say "We can't tell you. You're not a monk".

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.

Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply "We can't tell you. You're not a monk".

The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?

The monks reply "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass and the exact number of sand pebbles there are on the planet. When you find these numbers you will become a monk.

The man sets about his task. Some 45 years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says "I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are
145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth".

The monks reply "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door where the head monk says "The sound is right behind that door".

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.

The man demands the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire,

So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,

silver,

topaz,

and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say "This is the last key to the last door".

The man is relieved to know he's finally at the end of his quest.

He unlocks the door, turns the knob and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.

. . . .

. . . .

. . . .

. . . .

<

<

<

<

<

<

<

<

<

<

<

<

<
But he can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk...
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Old 20th Jun 2016, 20:34
  #8212 (permalink)  
 
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Old 21st Jun 2016, 03:04
  #8213 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
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A man is changing a flat tire on a rainy night in front of an insane asylum. He knocks over the hubcap and all of his wheel nuts roll into a storm drain. The man curses at his luck and says to himself, "what the @#$^ am I gonna do now!"

He hears a voice yelling down from the asylum.
"If you take 1 nut off each of your other wheels, you can safely drive home."

The man is astonished. "My god, that will work!" "Hey are you an inmate?"

The voice answers, "Yeah".

Man: "Well you saved the day - thank you!. Why in the world are you in that asylum?"

The inmate answers, "I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid".
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Old 21st Jun 2016, 12:04
  #8214 (permalink)  
 
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Posts: 2,606
QUOTE Man: "Well you saved the day - thank you!. Why in the world are you in that asylum?" QUOTE.


Inmate: They believe I'm insane because I say insects hear through their legs.


Man: How do you mean?


Inmate: See this beetle? I command you to walk. (the beetle walks). He pulls off its legs and says "walk"... the beetle doesn't.


End of story.
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Old 23rd Jun 2016, 10:17
  #8215 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Confoederatio Helvetica
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Posts: 2,846
Was Jim Henson Psychic?



Was Jim Henson Psychic?
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Old 23rd Jun 2016, 12:21
  #8216 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 23rd Jun 2016, 12:28
  #8217 (permalink)  
Resident insomniac
 
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Age: 75
Posts: 1,859
Hose not connected to cylinder.
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Old 23rd Jun 2016, 14:50
  #8218 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: Florida
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The tank wearer is sure to have problems seeing that the tank body is painted "red"
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Old 23rd Jun 2016, 14:54
  #8219 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Southport
Posts: 1,085
Clearly a user of propane language.
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Old 23rd Jun 2016, 18:11
  #8220 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: surrey
Posts: 26
I voted to stayin Europe, as I already had done the Euro lottery tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!
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