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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 13th Jun 2016, 21:52
  #8181 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Farnham, Surrey
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[Alternative version for balance]
The story is told of a woman walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman soon came back to her senses and asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said,
"Nope. . . due to inflation, constant downsizing, fierce global competition, and low wages in third-world countries, I can only grant you one wish. So, . . . what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said,
"I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other. "
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed,
"Gadzooks, Lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for centuries. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish. "
The woman thought for a minute and said,
"Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the house cleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for — a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said,
"Let me see that map again..."
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Old 14th Jun 2016, 06:51
  #8182 (permalink)  
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Ricardian takes it!
And eats it? Looks a nice bit of venison to leave lying on the road.
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Old 14th Jun 2016, 09:32
  #8183 (permalink)  
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I believe that you are not allowed (in the UK) to keep a carcass of an animal (such as a deer) that youhae killed with your vehicle, however, I believe that you can remove 'road kill (ie an animal that has been struck by another vehicle).
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Old 14th Jun 2016, 10:15
  #8184 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2003
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That is correct because it would be classed as carrion and you can pick it up. Although if I had hit a deer with my car, would I leave it for someone else, would I 'eck.
It would go someway as recompense to the damage it would have done to my vehicle.
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Old 14th Jun 2016, 12:08
  #8185 (permalink)  
 
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I believe that you are not allowed (in the UK) to keep a carcass of an animal (such as a deer) that youhae killed with your vehicle,....
thank God that you can still keep someone else's road kill as it has many uses
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Old 14th Jun 2016, 12:46
  #8186 (permalink)  
 
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Does this apply to people as well as animals?

PDR
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Old 14th Jun 2016, 14:36
  #8187 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
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Looks a nice bit of venison to leave lying on the road.
Kangaroo meat is sold in many supermarkets in Oz. While I've never tasted it, I'm told it's very pleasant and 99.9% fat free. A few hotels - perhaps those frequented by the bogans in our midst - advertise their food as 'road kill night'. Whether it's an advertising gimmick to make us take note of their establishment or whether it's a way of saying they serve kangaroo meat is a mystery to me.
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Old 14th Jun 2016, 15:19
  #8188 (permalink)  
 
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That is correct because it would be classed as carrion and you can pick it up.
But you can only take it onto an airplane in a properly sized bag: there are rules about carrion luggage.
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Old 14th Jun 2016, 16:40
  #8189 (permalink)  
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LW, brilliant and back on thread
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Old 14th Jun 2016, 16:52
  #8190 (permalink)  
 
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A SNCO and a Very Junior Officer are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The Officer is thinking that NCO’s are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy. So the Officer asks if the SNCO would like to play a fun game. The SNCO is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The Officer persists, saying "Come on, this is a fun game. I ask you a question and if you don’t know the answer you pay me only 5. Then you ask me one and if I don’t know the answer I will pay you 100."
This catches the SNCO's attention and, to keep the Officer quiet, he agrees to play the game.
The Officer asks the first question, "What’s the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The SNCO doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the Officer. Now it’s the SNCO's turn.
He asks the Officer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The Officer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on the internet. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After over two hours of searching he finally gives up. He wakes the SNCO and hands him 100. The SNCO pockets the 100 and goes right back to sleep.
The Officer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the SNCO up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The SNCO reaches into his pocket, hands the Officer 5, and goes back to sleep.
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Old 14th Jun 2016, 22:05
  #8191 (permalink)  
 
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Kangaroo meat is sold in many supermarkets in Oz. While I've never tasted it, I'm told it's very pleasant and 99.9% fat free. A few hotels - perhaps those frequented by the bogans in our midst - advertise their food as 'road kill night'.
Roo is very tasty, especially when smoked as jerky.

Yes, a strange (in)breed would find 'road kill night' appealing!
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Old 14th Jun 2016, 22:06
  #8192 (permalink)  
 
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Old 14th Jun 2016, 23:54
  #8193 (permalink)  
 
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The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,
interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men
and a woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal
door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will
find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her."

The man said "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife".

The agent said, "Then you are not the right man for this job. Take your
wife and go home".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went
into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my
wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes, so take your wife and go
home "

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to
kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were
heard one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on
the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly
and there stood the woman, wiping sweat from her brow.

"The gun was loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to kill him with the
chair. "
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Old 14th Jun 2016, 23:54
  #8194 (permalink)  
 
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Farmer Frank had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing.

One day when he was out in the field, Frank's wife brought his lunch to him. Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Frank's minister noticed that when the women offered their sympathy to Frank he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Frank and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"

Well, Frank replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, 'Is that mule for sale!?'"
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Old 15th Jun 2016, 09:38
  #8195 (permalink)  
 
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Whadaya call a Tortoise with a hard on?

A. Slow poke!
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Old 15th Jun 2016, 13:54
  #8196 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: At My Desk
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Euro 2016

The Polish fans are now on the rampage in Nice. Following the the English/Russian Skirmishes in Marseille, 100 cars have been valeted and waxed within an inch (2.2cm) of their lives, 50 boilers repaired and 5 walls built with awful pointing.

When is the madness going to end????
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Old 15th Jun 2016, 14:07
  #8197 (permalink)  
 
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It will end when you figure out how long an inch is.
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Old 15th Jun 2016, 15:52
  #8198 (permalink)  
 
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Spot on. Classic!
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Old 15th Jun 2016, 16:51
  #8199 (permalink)  
 
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Just imagine what the Food Safety folk would make of this practice nowadays!


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Old 15th Jun 2016, 17:17
  #8200 (permalink)  
 
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Is that an Imperial inch? Ours were 2.54 cm. In fact, I think that was one of the things we fought the War of Independence over, that and something about how George III wanted to take our guns away ....
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