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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 28th Mar 2012, 18:16
  #801 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 1998
Location: Formerly of Nam
Posts: 1,595
Actually Fan I was a late birth by four days - I didn't want
to get out....no matter how much shoving and cajoling the
quack did!

Mum was a buxom lass and I think the promise of my own
set of boobs done the trick eventually, along with the able
assistance of a tyre iron.
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Old 28th Mar 2012, 18:33
  #802 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Planet Tharg
Posts: 2,472
Thought you were lured out with a bacon sandwich and a pint, Slash...
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Old 28th Mar 2012, 21:24
  #803 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Cape Town / UK / Europe
Posts: 728
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"


The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."


-----------------------------------------------


Wife by text, to husband at work

"Windows at home frozen - what should I do?"

Husband - "Spray some de-icer or pour hot water on them"

Wife a few minutes later - "Done that - now computer won't work at all"!

Last edited by Tableview; 28th Mar 2012 at 21:39.
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Old 29th Mar 2012, 14:54
  #804 (permalink)  
RJM
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Orstralia
Posts: 295
For years, a prominent wall in Auckland carried the neatly written aphorism: AUSTRALIA SUCKS

Now, below it is written: NEW ZEALAND FIVE
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Old 29th Mar 2012, 18:46
  #805 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 92
Women's special -

03.00 a.m. April 1 all the bathroom scales have to be adjusted backward 10 kg. Shift to SWT (Summer Weight Time).
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Old 29th Mar 2012, 19:16
  #806 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: CYZV
Age: 74
Posts: 1,259
03.00 a.m. April 1 all the bathroom scales have to be adjusted backward 10 kg. Shift to SWT (Summer Weight Time).
And by golly it can't come a minute too soon for some.

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Old 29th Mar 2012, 21:12
  #807 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Doing a pre flight inspection
Posts: 254
I have discovered Qantas 'faulty' calculator

To be sure!!
Irish Maths Test

An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number nine 9."

"Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree... "Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"

"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree.
So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"

This Irishman is now head of Qantas
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Old 29th Mar 2012, 23:58
  #808 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: Green and pleasant land
Posts: 657
More maths lessons for you Wally.

0.3 x 3 equals 0.9 but 0.3 is not one third. One third is any number divided by three (or 0.333333333 recurring if you want it in metric)
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Old 30th Mar 2012, 04:56
  #809 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Planet Tharg
Posts: 2,472
Quick! Nurse! The eye bleach...!
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Old 30th Mar 2012, 05:06
  #810 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: North Queensland, Australia
Posts: 2,869
One third is actually one divided by three, not any number!

This is great, it's usually grammar pedantry that gets a geurnsey, but a good maths argument does the trick too!
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Old 30th Mar 2012, 05:12
  #811 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 92
See what happens if you have turd around?
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Old 30th Mar 2012, 15:27
  #812 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 74
My next door neighbour is sexually attracted to small swimming trunks.
I think he might be a speedophile.
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Old 30th Mar 2012, 17:15
  #813 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Middle America
Age: 80
Posts: 1,158
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 79.


THIS IS GREAT NEWS!

I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.
So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.
And itís the same side of the street. I donít have to cross the road!
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Old 30th Mar 2012, 17:23
  #814 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Middle America
Age: 80
Posts: 1,158
Having A Bad Day?

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Old 30th Mar 2012, 17:28
  #815 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: England
Posts: 98


Lid
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Old 30th Mar 2012, 21:04
  #816 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: South Pacific
Posts: 851
This one is for Wally - seeing as he wants to argue and not post jokes....

Three men book into a hotel and pay $10 each for a $30 room. (Cosy arrangement..! old prices..) Too late, the receptionist remembers there's a $25 special on rooms today, so she gives the bellboy $5 to return to the three men, As it doesn't divide, he pockets $2 and hands them $1 each. So each man has now paid $9 for the room, which equals $27 total. Add on the $2 in the bellboy's pocket and that give's you $29.

Where's the other dollar?
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Old 30th Mar 2012, 21:43
  #817 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: England
Posts: 98
Where's the other dollar?

In George Osborne's pocket.

Lid
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Old 30th Mar 2012, 22:00
  #818 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Bermuda Triangle
Posts: 64
The key number is here 25, what is left in the till, not 30.

They each pay 9, or 27 total. They should have paid 25, but the bellhop pockets 2.

27 minus 2 is 25. And 3 plus 2 is 5.

So it adds up.

A good one.
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Old 31st Mar 2012, 02:28
  #819 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Nottingham, U.K.
Posts: 53
Pigboat,

Thanks for that image - It was almost enough to put me off my kebab.
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Old 31st Mar 2012, 03:12
  #820 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: CYZV
Age: 74
Posts: 1,259
Critter go to the People of WalMart site, then in the list of websites at the top of the page click on Girls In Yoga Pants. Your efforts will be rewarded.
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