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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 10th Sep 2015, 13:14
  #7401 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Nirvana
Posts: 112
What's the difference between pink and purple?









Your grip
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Old 10th Sep 2015, 14:50
  #7402 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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A blonde and a Brunette are going to rob a bank. The day before the robbery the brunette turns to the blonde and says "Do you remember the plan?"
"Yes" says the blonde.
"Are you sure?" says the Brunette.
"Yes, absolutely!" replies the blonde
The day of the robbery arrives and the two set out for the bank.
"You have 5 Minutes" says the Brunette.
20 Minutes go by and finally the Blonde comes out of the bank dragging the safe by a rope she tied to it. The security guard comes running out with his pants around his ankles reaching for his gun.
The blonde says "Sod this", leaves the safe and runs to the car.
They are driving away and the Brunette screams "YOU IDIOT I TOLD YOU TO TIE UP THE SECURITY GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!!!"
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Old 10th Sep 2015, 15:32
  #7403 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 65
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What's soft, warm and pink and hangs out your pyjamas?


















Your Mum.
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Old 10th Sep 2015, 15:59
  #7404 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
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Old 10th Sep 2015, 19:00
  #7405 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Darkest Surrey
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Originally Posted by Lon More View Post
What Car ?
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Old 11th Sep 2015, 11:57
  #7406 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 70
Posts: 1,806
A Harley-Davidson bike rider is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lions' cage.
Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her into the cage, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and smacks the lion square on the nose, with one hell of a punch.
Shocked and whimpering with pain, the lion releases the girl, and jumps back - and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who immediately thank him endlessly.

A news reporter standing nearby has stood and watched the whole event. The reporter rushes up, and addressing the H-D rider, says ... "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've ever seen a man do, in my whole life!"

The bike rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind the bars.
I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted like anyone else would."

The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page. So, what do you do for a living, and where were you riding to?'

The biker replied, "I'm an SAS soldier just returned from Afghanistan, and I was just heading off to a right-wing political party meeting!"

The journalist thanks him and leaves.

The following morning the biker picks up the paper and reads the screaming headlines on the front page:

"SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH."

And that my friends, is exactly how the left-wing media report the news.
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Old 11th Sep 2015, 12:35
  #7407 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: At My Desk
Posts: 3
Correction

And that my friends, is exactly how the Daily Mail report the news
Have corrected it for you
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Old 11th Sep 2015, 16:11
  #7408 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Tamworth, UK / Nairobi, Kenya
Posts: 613
And that my friends, is exactly how the Daily Mail report the news
Have corrected it for you
I don't think it needed correcting, so let's put it back

is exactly how the left-wing media report the news
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Old 11th Sep 2015, 16:22
  #7409 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Under the flight path
Posts: 2,152
Butch the Rooster


Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

Vote carefully in any future election or referendum. You can't always hear the bells.
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Old 11th Sep 2015, 18:35
  #7410 (permalink)  

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Dave the Rooster sounds better - and nearer the truth
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Old 11th Sep 2015, 18:39
  #7411 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Edinburgh and 3C
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Lon More, your driving dog reminds me why I love JB and why I'm glad to be able to take part again. Kudos.
MagnusP is offline  
Old 11th Sep 2015, 18:51
  #7412 (permalink)  

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Posts: 1,768
Thanks Magnus; though you may not like the next one




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Old 12th Sep 2015, 16:41
  #7413 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: East of Edenbridge
Age: 58
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Or totally confuse them by saying; "Immigrants kill paedophiles"
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Old 12th Sep 2015, 20:32
  #7414 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Old 14th Sep 2015, 16:40
  #7415 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Canadian Shield
Posts: 536
Officials monitor expanding Russian sinkhole

Officials monitor expanding Russian sinkhole

A crater in Russia, which emerged 10 months ago has tripled in size to become a 120m-wide sinkhole. The sinkhole, near the town of Solikamsk, is believed to have been caused by flood erosion in an underground mine. The collapsing soil has already claimed a number of holiday homes, but officials say local people are not in danger.

I guess this means THEY ARE LOOKING INTO IT!!!!
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Old 14th Sep 2015, 16:40
  #7416 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: North Up
Posts: 489
A woman can bring balance and stability to your life

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Old 14th Sep 2015, 17:22
  #7417 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Middle America
Age: 79
Posts: 1,147
Marketing 101

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him; the other one is holding the Star of David.

Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope comes by. He stops to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who holds the Cross while none give to the beggar holding the Star of David.

Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite."

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled and turned to the beggar with the Cross and said, "Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!"
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Old 14th Sep 2015, 17:42
  #7418 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Eternal Beach
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^^^^^Only six months for that to recycle^^^^^

halas
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Old 14th Sep 2015, 20:50
  #7419 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
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Age: 76
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People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburettor. Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet as protection from the bitterly cold weather.
"What’s the matter?" asked the Trooper.
"Carburettor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out.”
"I can't," said the biker.
"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you.”
The trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburettor as promised. Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."
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Old 14th Sep 2015, 21:16
  #7420 (permalink)  
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Aw - that brought a lump in my throat and tears to my eyes.
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