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Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 15th Feb 2015, 00:38
  #6721 (permalink)  
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Middle America
Age: 79
Posts: 1,142
Turbine D is online now  
Old 15th Feb 2015, 13:04
  #6722 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 805
Who said that romance was dead in Scotland?

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Old 15th Feb 2015, 16:51
  #6723 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Out in the sticks in DE56
Age: 81
Posts: 542
Never saw that coming, Ricardian. Still chuckling!
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Old 17th Feb 2015, 12:03
  #6724 (permalink)  
Join Date: Dec 1999
Location: London
Posts: 46
A young girl walked into a supermarket and on her way round she saw the bloke who had had his wicked way with her the previous evening after they had met in a pub. He was stacking washing powder boxes on the shelves.

"You lying toad!" she yelled. "Last night you told me you were a stunt pilot."

"No," he said. "I told you I was a member of the Ariel display team."
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Old 17th Feb 2015, 17:16
  #6725 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 805
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Old 19th Feb 2015, 07:32
  #6726 (permalink)  
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Fliegensville, Gold Coast Australia
Posts: 26
So I was walking through the mall, and went into a Muslim Bookshop.

The clerk asked if he could help me, so I asked for a copy of the Australian Immigration Policy Book.

The Clerk said "**** off, Get Out and Stay Out."

I said, "Yes that’s the one!"
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Old 19th Feb 2015, 09:04
  #6727 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: France
Age: 66
Posts: 40
British tax return

This example shows the importance of accuracy in your tax return.

The HMRC (Her Majesty's Revenue & Customs) has returned the Tax Return to a man in STANSTED after he apparently answered one of the questions incorrectly.

In response to the question: "Do you have anyone dependant on you?" he wrote:
"2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack heads, 4.4 million unemployable Jeremy Kyle scroungers, 90,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 650 idiots in Parliament and the whole of the European Commission".

The HMRC stated that the response he gave was unacceptable.

The man's response back to HMRC was:

"Who did I miss out?"
expatfrance is online now  
Old 19th Feb 2015, 09:06
  #6728 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 64
Posts: 47
Somebody fired a starting pistol outside a mosque. Police say it's not a race issue.
hiflymk3 is online now  
Old 19th Feb 2015, 09:55
  #6729 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 805
Ed Miliband walks into a bank to cash a cheque. “Good morning”, says Ed, “could you please cash this cheque for me?”
Cashier: “It would be my pleasure Sir, but could you please show me some identification?”
Miliband: “Truthfully… I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. But hang on! I’m Ed Miliband, Leader of the Opposition and of the Labour Party!!!”
Cashier: “Yes Sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers etc, I must insist on seeing some identification”.
Miliband: “Just ask any of the customers here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am!”
Cashier: “I’m sorry Sir, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them”.
Miliband: “I am urging you please, to cash this cheque for me”.
Cashier: “Look Sir, this is what we can do. One day Colin Montgomery came into the bank without any ID. To prove he was Colin Montgomery he pulled out his putter and putted a ball along the floor and into a small cup. With that sort of skill we knew it was Colin Montgomery and we cashed his cheque. On another occasion, Andy Murray came in without any ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and lobbed a tennis ball straight into my teacup with such a spectacular shot that we all knew it was Andy Murray."
Ed Miliband stood there thinking and thinking and then finally says, “To be honest, there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing that I’m any good at.”
Cashier: “Will it be large or small notes you require Mr Miliband?"
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Old 19th Feb 2015, 10:52
  #6730 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,897
"Who did I miss out?"
Derr.....HMRC obviously!

p.s. HMRC - where's the answer to the letter I wrote you @#$%^&* last May - not a joke any longer!
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Old 19th Feb 2015, 14:35
  #6731 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,768
Bit late for Valentine's day

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Old 20th Feb 2015, 02:38
  #6732 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 70
Posts: 1,803
Husband comes home and says to his wife, "I'm going to pay off our accountant!"
Wife says, "Why?"
Husband says, "Because he's shy and retiring".
Wife says, "Is that simply good enough reason to get rid of him??"
"Yes. He's $200,000 shy! .. so he's retiring!" ...

After 45 years as Head Accountant, Fred retired.
At his retirement ceremony, he was handed the regulation gold Rolex, plus a miniature ledger book, mounted upright on a small pedestal.
Fred acknowledged the gifts with gratitude and upon eyeballing the miniature ledger standing upright, he said ...
"Well, after seeing this, I guess I should be thankful I didn't take up my alternative career as a gynaecologist! ..."
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Old 20th Feb 2015, 11:04
  #6733 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Following the sun and skiing... No snow involved just Spending the Kids Inheritance!
Age: 75
Posts: 172
On accountants...

The definition of a good accountant is the one who, when asked what is 2 plus 2, answers, "What would you like it to be?"
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Old 20th Feb 2015, 11:49
  #6734 (permalink)  

Gentleman Aviator
Join Date: Jul 2000
Location: Teetering Towers - somewhere in the Shires
Posts: 3,365
Only time I heard a joke from an accountant was during a "Retirement Advice Seminar" or similar when I was leaving the regular military.

A real "Death by Powerpoint" going into great detail on the various Options open to retirees, and the various things you might do with your pension.

"Next," he said, "we'll talk about Death in Retirement ....... this is not an option!"
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Old 20th Feb 2015, 12:59
  #6735 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 70
Posts: 1,803
Fred was telling his mate how he and his wife had spent their 25th wedding anniversary.

"We left town on the same train, went to the same hotel, even managed to get the same room!"

He went on .. "But this time, it was me who went to the bathroom and cried!! ..."

On quiet nights, when he's alone, Fred runs their wedding video backwards, just to watch himself walk out the church a free man!
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Old 20th Feb 2015, 13:14
  #6736 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: France
Age: 66
Posts: 40
My friend Bob is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home.

Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and
long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Bob turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"

She asks, "What?''

"Sex" he replies.

Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Bob says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Bob's thingie.

Then one night Bob didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Bob's little Pal.

Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"

Old Bob smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
expatfrance is online now  
Old 20th Feb 2015, 14:56
  #6737 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Where the Money Takes Me
Posts: 896
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Old 21st Feb 2015, 00:13
  #6738 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 157

Last edited by david1300; 21st Feb 2015 at 00:17. Reason: Added another piccie
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Old 21st Feb 2015, 18:09
  #6739 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 59°09N 002°38W (IATA: SOY, ICAO: EGER)
Age: 76
Posts: 805
ricardian is offline  
Old 22nd Feb 2015, 12:58
  #6740 (permalink)  
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Perth - Western Australia
Age: 70
Posts: 1,803
A bloke cleaning out his attic discovered an old oil painting and an old violin.

Thinking they might be worth something, he took them both along to an art dealer to have them appraised.

The art dealer examined them and mused, "Well, well - what you have here, is a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius!"

"So they're both worth a great deal?!", exclaimed the bloke excitedly.

"Hell, No", said the dealer. "Rembrandt couldn't produce any musical instrument that would play a decent tune, and Stradivarius was an utterly hopeless painter!"

The sign said, "Justin Bieber Style Haircuts Here".

So the bloke went in and asked for a Bieber style haircut.

When the barber was finished, the bloke was appalled to see he'd been given the old regular, "short, back and sides".

He protested, "That's not how Bieber has his hair cut!!"

The Barber replied, "It will be, if he comes in here!!"
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