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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 30th Jan 2015, 04:26
  #6641 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 92
so that explains the "where it shouldn't be"-part?
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Old 30th Jan 2015, 04:32
  #6642 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Nowhere near Shinbone Waterhole
Posts: 201
If you got 'd Probes the "error"
wasn't taken into account by the
nav system in subtracting where
it was at from where it isn't at
to where it should be at, but it
assumed it knew where "at here"
was and not where it is actually
at.
mikedreamer787 is offline  
Old 30th Jan 2015, 04:36
  #6643 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 92
yeah. Sigh.
Sure it was subtracting?
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Old 30th Jan 2015, 07:24
  #6644 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: australia
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Posts: 115
Mr Mikedreamer is a very nice young man for helping miss Probes out.
Isn't he, Miss Probes?
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Old 30th Jan 2015, 08:24
  #6645 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
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What's seen cannot be unseen

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Old 30th Jan 2015, 10:07
  #6646 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Edinburgh and 3C
Age: 67
Posts: 195
Now, just hold on one cotton-pickin' minute here!

I take exception, nay, UMBRAGE at TurbineD's picture post. Having examined it in some detail, I realise that I have some difficulty with the content. It would appear that the amber nectar being transferred from bottle to glass is, in fact Johnnie Walker Black Label which is, as any fule kno, whisky, not whiskey as indicated in the text. The photo should be deleted immediately. Oh, except for the top third; that can stay.

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Old 30th Jan 2015, 10:11
  #6647 (permalink)  
pzu
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: N Yorkshire, UK
Age: 71
Posts: 460
An Old One, but should boost a few 'Ego's' on here

The Pilot and the Priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?'

The guy replies, 'I' m Bruce, retired airline pilot from Sydney .'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'
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Old 30th Jan 2015, 17:51
  #6648 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: France
Age: 66
Posts: 40
Old but it's Friday!

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the tee shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said quietly, “You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I’m either dreaming or this is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said,”Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,"What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."
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Old 30th Jan 2015, 21:09
  #6649 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: The Smaller Antipode
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In the days when passengers walked across the apron and climbed steps into the aircraft, the pilot noticed a Priest refusing to board. After some discussion with the ground staff he still refused, and the pilot went down himself to investigate.

The Priest admitted that he was frightened of flying, and the pilot suggested that whilst there was little to be afraid of, nevertheless when your number's up there is little you can do about it.

I'm not worried about when my number comes up, replied the Priest, I'm worried about when YOUR number comes up.
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Old 30th Jan 2015, 23:15
  #6650 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Uk
Age: 63
Posts: 218
In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three foot tall.

"Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."

"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.

I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of..."

Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to get fd."
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Old 30th Jan 2015, 23:23
  #6651 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: A warm pub
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Did you hear about the 2 guys in court for stealing a calendar?

They got six months each
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Old 31st Jan 2015, 09:53
  #6652 (permalink)  
Paid...Persona Grata
 
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'When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed.'
Slightly different version concerns a 18 year old girl and a priest, the punchline being:-

St Peter says "She's just learned to drive and in 6 months she has put the fear of God into more people than you have in 60 years".
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Old 31st Jan 2015, 22:46
  #6653 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Coasting South
Age: 64
Posts: 47
I'm reading a book titled Shipbuilding 1900 to 1950. It's riveting.
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Old 1st Feb 2015, 04:07
  #6654 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 27
Brought a pair of new boots from a drug dealer the other day, dunno what he laced them with, but I keep trippin".........
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Old 1st Feb 2015, 04:42
  #6655 (permalink)  
 
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Why is the cotton balls in pill bottles?
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Old 1st Feb 2015, 05:07
  #6656 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 84
A British government warning issued today advised that anyone travelling in icy or snow conditions should take the following items........


Blankets or a sleeping bag. Extra clothing including a hat, gloves and scarf. Twenty four hours supply of food and drink. De-icer. Five kilograms of Rock salt. A torch or lantern with spare batteries. Road flares and reflective triangles. A tow rope. A five gallon petrol can. First aid kit. And a set of jump leads.


I felt a right Prat when I got on the bus this morning !
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Old 1st Feb 2015, 08:23
  #6657 (permalink)  
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Why is the cotton balls in pill bottles?

So you can pull it out when you first open the bottle: obvious really.
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Old 1st Feb 2015, 12:06
  #6658 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,897
Just for Bosnich71 !



Derbyshire, UK

p.s. They forgot the shovel! Much more important than the Rock Salt -35 here tonight, then 2 foot of snow on Tuesday. Oh, and condoms, in case you get stuck with somebody nice.
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Old 1st Feb 2015, 12:22
  #6659 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Confoederatio Helvetica
Age: 64
Posts: 2,847
... and the Snow Tyres (Tires).

I can't understand why it isn't mandatory to use Snow Tyres during the Winter in the UK. The last few winters has shown that they are needed.

(And I'm not preferring to those 'crap' all-season tyres. They are useless in all seasons! That is except for the manufacturers and retailers that make a dis-honest profit off of you.)
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Old 1st Feb 2015, 12:29
  #6660 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,897
I drive on all-seasons here in Canada; it's legal in my province. It's perfectly safe if you drive appropriately, as in not like a complete [email protected].

You cannot legislate for idiots, and you'll waste a ton of money trying.

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