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Old 7th Dec 2011, 22:43   #21 (permalink)


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A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.

The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"

The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.

"The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, -

"Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."

The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been with a man! Have you Debbie?"

Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a Virgin!"

The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it.

About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"

The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and 3 wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!!!!"
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Old 7th Dec 2011, 22:54   #22 (permalink)
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AA, well, it wouldnt fit under news or tech log....and yes...I would rather see this is the gymnastics part of the Olympics that the horse thing...

I did submit the person who made womens sand volleyball an Olympic Sport for a Nobel peace Prize...I havent heard back on this yet...bet they give it to some no account first time president.

(besides...the jokes thread is the most read!)
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Old 9th Dec 2011, 02:55   #23 (permalink)
 
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Old 9th Dec 2011, 04:41   #24 (permalink)
 
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I was working out in the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing.
I asked the trainer that was near-by, "What machine should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked me up and down and said…
"try the ATM in the lobby."
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Old 9th Dec 2011, 06:36   #25 (permalink)
 
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Old 9th Dec 2011, 06:41   #26 (permalink)

 
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HEADLINES FROM 2030


Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, "Little India" - formerly known as Australia.

Jersey executes last remaining Greenie.

White minorities still trying to have English recognised as the UK's third language.

Children from two-parent heterosexual families bullied in schools for being "different". Gay Marriages now overtake heterosexual marriages as preferred 'lifestyle' choice.

Manchester schoolgirl expelled for not wearing burqa - "Being a Christian is no excuse" says school. "Sharia law must be enforced."

Japan announces that they will no longer consume whale meat as whales are now extinct and the scientific research fleet is unemployed. UK Government has told the Japanese government that Grey Squirrels taste like whale meat.

Britain now has ten Universities of Political Correctness. Professor Goldman of LSPC says there is still a long way to go in the fight to stop people saying what they think.

Britain's deficit £10 trillion and rising. Government declares return to surplus in 100 years which is 300 years ahead of time. Prime Minister Mohammed Yousof claims increased growth through more immigration is the secret to success.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Islamic countries. No country volunteers to come forward to help the beleaguered nation. "Serves them right!" says China.

Castro dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, however President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Jose Manuel Rodrigez Bush says he will run for second term as US President in 2032.

Post Office raises price of stamps to £18 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

After a ten year £75.8 billion study commissioned by the Labour Party, scientists prove diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of a British male drops to 18 stone.

Global cooling blamed for the Australian (Little India ) citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Victoria India and New South Iraq .

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights. Victims to hold responsibility for crime 50-50.

Average height of professional basketball players is now 9ft 7in.

New law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2035 as lethal weapons.

Inland Revenue sets lowest tax rate in decades at 75 per cent.

Bradford won this year’s FA cup final beating the Hindu Hornets 4-1.

Australian PM Vijay Balesthanthran and Opposition Leader Mohamed Iqbal, together in a show of rare agreement, pardon aging ex-PM Gillard from her Carbon Fraud conviction which carries the mandatory death penalty. She will spend the rest of her natural life on solitary confinement listening to recordings her own speeches.

TSA announces new heavy fines and imprisonment for any refusal to have vaginas and anuses physically examined by same-sex staff, despite the high number of gays and lesbians in the TSA program. "To refuse examination on the grounds of an employee's sexual orientation is blatant discrimination and must be fought even in this enlightened age" says TSA president who is also the America Gay Rights Secretary general.

PruNe thread starters 2035 -

Slasher thrown into a Thailand psychiatric ward. Keeps screaming "F-----g Pee Wee Herman!" uncontrollably. Pleads for JB members to send him p0rn. Wife and son sell all his gold and silver assets, who now live the life of Reilly in the Caribbean.

KAG untimely passes away while jogging after being run over and squashed by a drunk Chinese bus driver. Reports a Chinese daily "Healthiest corpse we've ever seen!" says head of Beijing morgue.

Redsnail and Checkers buy CAA as sole shareholders after UK decides to sell off government departments to reduce public debt. Full UK ATPL revived.

BBC reports Sir Anthony Draper has again informed supporters of the new Eurozone revival in Brussels to go fcuk 'emselves. Sir Anthony is one of only a few parliamentarians supporting English as a third UK language and was well known for fighting hard against the mandatory wearing of burqas by ethnic English females by vehemently opposing that unpopular Shariah Constitutional Clause of 2032.
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Old 9th Dec 2011, 11:47   #27 (permalink)
 
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Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece .

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.

The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".

The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?"

The Spaniard replied; "No."
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Old 9th Dec 2011, 16:57   #28 (permalink)

 
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Natural Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become fully covered in thick grease, your nose will begin to itch and/or you'll have to go take a pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you'll have a flat tyre.

6. Variation Law - If you change traffic lanes, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle always arrive last. They're the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. Aisle people are also very surly buggers.

12. The Alpha Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. The Beta Coffee Law - While leaving home having just dosed up on gallons of strong brew to help you fly through the night after being called out off reserve duty, the crewing officer calls back saying the flight has been cancelled and have a good night's sleep.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug, or the filthiness of the kitchen tiles.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - If your audience is full of buxom nubiles, the chances of you accidently saying something sexual (such as "boobs" iso "tubes") increases exponentially the longer your speech goes on.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really really like, they'll stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor - by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment - you'll stay sick.

20. Slasher's Marriage Law (updated) - No matter how fantastic a girl is, how absolutely great she is in bed, how loving a partner she may be and how she'll still stand by you even when the whole world won't, you can bet her taste in dancing music will suck.
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Old 9th Dec 2011, 18:36   #29 (permalink)


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Archie Goodwin's adage: "You can't have a silver lining without a cloud."
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Old 9th Dec 2011, 22:06   #30 (permalink)
 
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Slasher ................still listening to PeeWee

21. If get lost in a supermarket and chat to buxom female, wife will appear and you will get grief.
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Old 9th Dec 2011, 23:46   #31 (permalink)

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Two rednecks were drinking beer and joy-riding when they spotted two Hispanic hitch-hikers at the side of the road.

Zeke says to Jake, "Why don't we give those yahoos a scare? Act like you're going to run off the road and hit them."

Jake agrees and swerves in their direction, but he's had too much to drink and ran right over them.

They both said, "Oh well, tough luck", and continued on their way.

A little while later, Jake says to Zeke, "I wonder where those guys were going?"

Without hesitation, Zeke replied, "Florida."

Jake asked him how he knew that and Jake's response was, "Right after you hit them, I clearly heard one of them say something about Sunny Beaches"
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Old 10th Dec 2011, 02:07   #32 (permalink)

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Old 11th Dec 2011, 16:14   #33 (permalink)
 
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Advent Colander

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Old 12th Dec 2011, 01:25   #34 (permalink)
 
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A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"





"OH, MY GOSH!!!" screamed the lawyer. “My Rolex !!!!”
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Old 12th Dec 2011, 01:42   #35 (permalink)
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A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while 'the lights would turn off.' Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, 'May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.' 'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun. So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'
'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender, 'Would you like a drink?' 'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled nun.
'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?
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Old 12th Dec 2011, 17:00   #36 (permalink)
 
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The best thing I've bought so far is an advent calendar off the Jehovah Witnesses. Every door I open says B***er off!
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Old 12th Dec 2011, 18:30   #37 (permalink)
 
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"Spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'.......

Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of
draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro
please, Mr. O’Leary."
Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over
his money.
"Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the
barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening
from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"
"That is remarkable value" Michael comments
"I see you don't seem to have a glass, so you'll probably need one of ours.
That will be 3 euro please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra 2 euro. -
You could have pre-book the seat, and it would have only cost you a Euro."
"I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"
Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and when he can't squeeze in he complains "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
"I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of €4.00 for your seat sir"
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your
laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked
either, that will be another 3 euro."
O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on
the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the
manager".
"Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will
be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.
"Do you know who I am?"
"Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"
"I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink
and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his E mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9.10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"
"I will never use this bar again"
"OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro".

Lid
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Old 12th Dec 2011, 22:46   #38 (permalink)
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Old 13th Dec 2011, 02:48   #39 (permalink)
 
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Public displays of affection and kissing?

19yr old in court for unnatural offense
Publish date/time: 13/12/2011 [14:50]


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Share A 19-year-old cane cutter of Nadi charged with an unnatural offence with an animal appeared before Chief Magistrate Usaia Ratuvili this afternoon.

It is alleged that last month, Apisalome Raigava was caught committing an unnatural offence on a female goat in Nasau, Nadi.

The goat’s owner reported the matter to police.

Raigava was brought to Suva for psychiatric assessment and today he told the Chief Magistrate that he has been examined and awaiting medical results.

The case has been transferred back to the Nadi Magistrates Court.


Story by: Ronal Deo
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Old 13th Dec 2011, 04:04   #40 (permalink)
 
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Update to the above story.

All charges have been dropped after the pair eloped.



Best wishes to the happy couple.
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