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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 5th May 2013, 14:08
  #3141 (permalink)  

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for all the Dustbin Beaver fans out there .....


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Old 6th May 2013, 11:07
  #3142 (permalink)  
 
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The worst letter I ever wrote......

Dear Jim, please fix it for me to go on " Its a knockout ".
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Old 6th May 2013, 15:02
  #3143 (permalink)  
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The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.

As they talked, the Iranian said, "I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

The General said, "Well, anything I can do to help?"

The Iranian whispered, "My son watches this show called Star Trek and in it there is... Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on Star Trek."

The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, "That's because it takes place in the future..."
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Old 6th May 2013, 15:14
  #3144 (permalink)  
 
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Variation on an old theme .......... worth listening to :

https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/...7/SickNote.wmv

Paddy's sick note, also performed by Gerard Hofnung as 'The Story of a Bricklayer from Golders Green.'

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Old 6th May 2013, 15:17
  #3145 (permalink)  
 
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Of course the actor that played Kirk was Canadian (Burnaby, I believe) but the Character was from Iowa. (If my memory serves me correctly)
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Old 6th May 2013, 16:46
  #3146 (permalink)  
 
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...actor that played Kirk was Canadian
...Character was from Iowa
Indeed sir, you are correct on both counts.

William Shatner - IMDb

Admitted Trekkie, but I'm in a 12 Step Program now.
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Old 6th May 2013, 21:51
  #3147 (permalink)  
 
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Next breakthrough for NZ parliament

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Old 7th May 2013, 09:33
  #3148 (permalink)  
 
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Old 7th May 2013, 22:15
  #3149 (permalink)  
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Last edited by FlightPathOBN; 7th May 2013 at 22:16.
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Old 8th May 2013, 03:39
  #3150 (permalink)  
 
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fpwhA-LdOHo

Presidential inauguration featuring La Fway
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Old 8th May 2013, 11:30
  #3151 (permalink)  
 
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First Thatcher dies, then Ferguson retires.

Somewhere, there is a Scouser with a lamp and one wish left.
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Old 8th May 2013, 12:05
  #3152 (permalink)  
 
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And closer to home there is a bod with Sickipedia in their bookmarks.
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Old 8th May 2013, 16:26
  #3153 (permalink)  
 
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First Thatcher dies, then Ferguson retires.

Somewhere, there is a Scouser with a lamp and one wish left.


So I guess Boris Johnson is feeling nervous.
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Old 8th May 2013, 16:37
  #3154 (permalink)  
 
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Somewhere, there is a Scouser with a lamp and one wish left.
Nah. I found the wheels gone from my Porsche this morning so he's already had that one.
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Old 8th May 2013, 23:05
  #3155 (permalink)  
 
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RETIREMENT


The longer you've been married, the funnier this becomes! AMEN………………………


An elderly married couple was at home watching TV. The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:
"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"












These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Hospitals Greater Glasgow, Scotland:



1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.



2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.



3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.



4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.



5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.



6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.



7.. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.



8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.



9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.



10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.



11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.



12. She is numb from her toes down.



13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.



14. The skin was moist and dry.



15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.



16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.



17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.



18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.



19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.



20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.



21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.



22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.



23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.



24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.



25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.



26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities



.

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.



28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.



29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.



30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.



31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.



32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.



33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
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Old 9th May 2013, 10:50
  #3156 (permalink)  

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Character was from Iowa
Indeed James Tiberius kirk was from Iowa.

One recalls an exchange in one of the films with some Sceptical Floozie:

SF: You mean you come from Outer Space??

James T: No - I come from Iowa. I only work in Outer Space!
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Old 9th May 2013, 11:06
  #3157 (permalink)  
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Gunbus, re your post 3208, many if not all hospitals now outsource typing up of notes to firms in India who do this work from audio recordings supplied to them over VOIP circuits.

Enough said !

OFSO
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Old 9th May 2013, 20:09
  #3158 (permalink)  
 
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This is a light (hell) beer from the Austrian town of ............
I'm told it's f..... rather good.

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Old 9th May 2013, 20:26
  #3159 (permalink)  
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17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

That is a very long instrument.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

That's no stool, that's Dr. Brown!
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Old 10th May 2013, 04:38
  #3160 (permalink)  

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Medical abreviations

•ABITHAD - Another Blithering Idiot – Thinks He’s A Doctor.
•AMYOYO Syndrome – Alright, Motherfu**er, You’re On Your Own
•ADR – Ain’t Doin’ Right.
•AGMI – Ain’t Gonna Make It
•ART – Assuming Room Temperature (recently deceased).
•ATS – Acute Thespian Syndrome (the patient is faking illness)
•ATSWWT – Always Thinks Something’s Wrong With Them.

•CBT - Chronic Biscuit Toxicity for fat patients.
•CNS-QNS – Central Nervous System – Quantity Not Sufficient.
•CTD – “Circling The Drain”. May also mean “Certain To Die”
•CTF - Cletus the Fetus.

•DAAD – Dead As A Doornail.
•DBI – Dirt Bag Index – multiply the number of tattoos by the number of missing teeth to give an estimate of the number of days since the patient last bathed.
•DIC – Death Is Coming, Death In Cage – used by veterinarians describing the complications of Disseminated intravascular coagulation.
•DRT – Dead Right There.

•EFT – Eleventh Floor Transfer (in a 10 floor hospital; refers to patient who is very close to death)
•ETK(T)M - Every Test Known To Man.

•Faecal Encephalopathy - Shit-for-Brains
•FDGB - Fall Down Go Boom.
•FFFF - Female, Fat, Forty and Flatulent.
•FF or FFY - Frequent Flyer – A patient who returns to a medical provider for everything.
•FLD - Funny Looking Dad.
•FLK - Funny Looking Kid.
•FOS - Full Of … Stool.
•FTD - Fixing To Die.
•FTF - Failure To Fly.
•FLGD - Familial lack of Genetic Diversity.
•FTW - Friggin Train Wreck (patient with multiple problems).

•GOK - God Only Knows.
•GFPO - Good For Parts Only.
•GGTG - Gomers Go To Ground (they fall out of bed or gurneys).
•GLM - Good Looking Mum.
•GOMER - Get Out of My Emergency Room.
•GPO – “Good for Parts Only”
•GTO - Gomer Tip Over.


•HP – Hispanic Panic, used to describe a Hispanic patient who believes their condition is worse than it actually is. This is generally a result of the perceived over-dramatic and theatrical nature of many Hispanic cultures.

•LGFD - Looks good from door.
•LOBNH – Lights On But Nobody Home
•LOLINAD - Little Old Lady In No Acute Distress.
•LOLTWO - Little Old Lady Totally Whacked Out.

•MFC - Measure For Coffin.
•M & Ms – mortality and morbidity conferences where doctors and other health-care professionals discuss mistakes and patient deaths

•NAD – Not Actually Done
•NFS - Normal For Swindon.

•O2T - Oxygen Thief.
•ODD&DDR - Out ‘De Door and Down ‘De Road.

•PAFO or PFO – Pissed And Fell Over
•PBBB - Pine Box By Bedside.
•PGT – Pissed and Got Thumped
•PIP - Pyjama Induced Paralysis.
•PITA - Pain In The A**.
•PRATFO - Patient Reassured And Told to F**k Off.
•PJAR - Person Just Ain’t Right.
•PPP – Piss Poor Protoplasm – a patient endowed with inferior/defective genetic material

•SALT - Same As Last Time.
•SBI - Something Bad Inside
•SNEFS - Sub-Normal Even For Suffolk.
•SWAG - Scientific, wild-A** Guess.

•TBW - Tossed By Wave.
•TEETH - Tried Everything Else; Try Homeopathy.
•TEON - Two Eyes One Nose.
•TMB - Too Many Birthdays.
•TOBAS - Take Out Back And Shoot.
•TTGA - Told To Go Away.
•TTR – Tea Time Review
•TUBE - Totally Unnecessary Breast Examination.

•UBI – “Unexplained Beer Injury”
•UDI – “Unexplainable Drinking Injury”

•WDWNF - Well Developed Well Nourished Female.
•WNL – Used for recording vital signs. It can mean “within normal limits” or “we never looked”.
•WTDB (Pronounced “whiskey tango DB”) – White Trash Douchebag

•6PFP – 6-pack and a fishing pole, as in “this patient doesn’t need chemo, he needs 6PFP.” – Usually referring to an end-stage patient who should go die somewhere else.
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