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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 24th Feb 2013, 20:36
  #2641 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Cape Town / UK / Europe
Posts: 728
Apparently Cliff Richard, sorry Sir Cliff .... is going to release a new single.

It will be called : "We're all going on a Saga holiday."
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Old 24th Feb 2013, 20:42
  #2642 (permalink)  
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Earth
Age: 45
Posts: 7
Good bosses tolerate a bit of piss-taking.
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Old 25th Feb 2013, 12:48
  #2643 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,770
Just for Slasher, look at the tits on this ....

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Old 25th Feb 2013, 13:14
  #2644 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2001
Location: south of Cirencester, north of Lyneham
Age: 72
Posts: 1,243
But they aren't Great Tits.
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Old 25th Feb 2013, 13:15
  #2645 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Edinburgh and 3C
Age: 67
Posts: 195
Must've been a cold day; they're blue tits.
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Old 25th Feb 2013, 15:27
  #2646 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,770
with the cold weather they've maybe even gone TU.
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Old 25th Feb 2013, 16:51
  #2647 (permalink)  
Psychophysiological entity
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Tweet Rob_Benham Famous author. Well, slightly famous.
Age: 79
Posts: 4,647
Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, 'I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second responds, 'Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is colour-coded.'

The third surgeon says, 'No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon chimes in, 'You know I like Construction Workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.'

But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on.
There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts - the mouth and the arsehole - and they’re interchangeable!'
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Old 25th Feb 2013, 17:39
  #2648 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Cape Town / UK / Europe
Posts: 728
There was panic and consternation this morning in a Social Security office in South East London. They had to call in a translator because an applicant came in who couldn't speak any of the 45 languages in which help is offered. He spoke English.
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Old 25th Feb 2013, 18:06
  #2649 (permalink)  
Resident insomniac
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: N54 58 34 W02 01 21
Age: 75
Posts: 1,859
Peterborough school where English is a foreign language | Anglia - ITV News
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Old 26th Feb 2013, 00:46
  #2650 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: France
Age: 80
Posts: 24
Jewish Sex

A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counseling.

The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"

"No," answered the rabbi "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!" replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah a good thing within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man

"No problem," says the rabbi "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing!"
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Old 26th Feb 2013, 06:10
  #2651 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 1998
Location: Mesopotamos
Posts: 1,219
Q. How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
A. None.
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Old 26th Feb 2013, 08:31
  #2652 (permalink)  

Prince of Darkness
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: USA and a Brit
Posts: 350
Kamekazi pilots always have the chance to crash their plane.....once

Okay, I made that one up

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Old 26th Feb 2013, 09:18
  #2653 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2007
Location: dormerset
Age: 61
Posts: 32
G-CPTN, I actually went to that school about 45 years ago and in my last year we saw the first of the immigrants start there. We were horrified at the lack of discipline even to the point where they would kick out at teachers.
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Old 26th Feb 2013, 18:47
  #2654 (permalink)  
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Lestah
Posts: 159
Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly.

'Last year we got six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we are?'

Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'
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Old 26th Feb 2013, 20:35
  #2655 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 1998
Location: Formerly of Nam
Posts: 1,595
If Postman Pat was from Middlesborough....


Last edited by Slasher; 26th Feb 2013 at 20:36.
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Old 26th Feb 2013, 21:21
  #2656 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 70
Posts: 1,770
Slasher, You might be interested in some of the alternative Thomas the Tank Engine stories on the same site - or Bob the Builder, "Can we fix it? Can we ....."
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Old 27th Feb 2013, 07:25
  #2657 (permalink)  
Just another erk
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Germany
Age: 72
Posts: 280
A clever example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly.

The representative from Israel began: ‘Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, “What a good opportunity to take a bath!” Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water.
When he got out he found, his clothes had vanished. Moses assumed a Palestinian was the obvious culprit!
The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted, “What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren’t there then.”

The Israeli representative smiled and said quietly, “And now that we have made that clear, I will begin my speech.”
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Old 27th Feb 2013, 13:07
  #2658 (permalink)  
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Edinburgh and 3C
Age: 67
Posts: 195
Don't forget to donate to Comic Relief this year.

Just £5 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his girlfriend.
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Old 27th Feb 2013, 21:33
  #2659 (permalink)  
Join Date: May 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,378
What's got two legs and bleeds?

Half a dog
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Old 27th Feb 2013, 21:40
  #2660 (permalink)  
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: 23, Railway Cuttings, East Cheam
Age: 63
Posts: 3,125
Bought a Yorkshire terrier pup the other day. Beautiful little think, mostly black and brown with a little white patch. We're calling it Bradford.
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