Go Back  PPRuNe Forums > PPRuNe Social > Jet Blast
Reload this Page >

Friday Jokes

Jet Blast Topics that don't fit the other forums. Rules of Engagement apply.

Friday Jokes

Old 10th Dec 2012, 20:34
  #2161 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: Deepest darkest Inbredland....
Posts: 543
terrain safe is offline  
Old 11th Dec 2012, 03:32
  #2162 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: CYZV
Age: 73
Posts: 1,259
pigboat is offline  
Old 11th Dec 2012, 04:55
  #2163 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Australia - South of where I'd like to be !
Age: 55
Posts: 4,244
pigboat

That is sick !
500N is offline  
Old 11th Dec 2012, 05:07
  #2164 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 71
Posts: 1,768
That's a weird site Pigboat.

... what is he doing?
Lon More is offline  
Old 11th Dec 2012, 15:13
  #2165 (permalink)  
Beady Eye
 
Join Date: Feb 2001
Location: UK
Posts: 1,498
A cautionary drink driving tale for xmas

With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home.

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it !
BDiONU is offline  
Old 11th Dec 2012, 15:31
  #2166 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Somewhere between E17487 and F75775
Age: 76
Posts: 723
Paddy and Mick are on the way home from a party. Ah bejeezus says Paddy, I'm that fed up with walking. Lets take the bus back to Croydon. Well you'll be lucky to find one at this time of the night says Mick. Just then they spot that they are standing outside the bus station. Paddy says Mick, you wait here, look out for the polis., I'll just nip in there and borrow a bus. So he does and Mick stands outside, he hears a bus start up, first gear, crash, reverse gear, crash, first gear..... After a while a somewhat battered bus marked "Croydon" appears at the gate. Climbing aboard Mick says, for God's sake Padraigh, what took ye so long ? Well Mick, says Paddy, the bus for Croydon was parked right at the back. Well, you're a fule says Mick, look right at the front there's a bus for South Norwood, we could have taken that one and walked the rest of the way.....
OFSO is offline  
Old 11th Dec 2012, 21:58
  #2167 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: behind the fruit
Posts: 233
Those 2 Aussies on the radio really made me feel sick...



..but then again I was never a fan of Kylie and Peter Andre!
LEGAL TENDER is offline  
Old 12th Dec 2012, 21:03
  #2168 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Middle America
Age: 80
Posts: 1,157
Smile Holiday Workout Plan



We all must stay in shape!

Cheers To One & All!
Turbine D is offline  
Old 12th Dec 2012, 21:32
  #2169 (permalink)  
Psychophysiological entity
 
Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Tweet Rob_Benham Famous author. Well, slightly famous.
Age: 80
Posts: 4,856
'You know what?' says the five year old, 'I think it's about time we
started swearing.'

The three year old nods his head in approval, so the five year old says,


'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you
swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the three year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the five year old what he
wants for breakfast.

'Oh, sh!t mum, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,
got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the three year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And
what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know,' he blubbers, 'but it won't be fcuking Coco Pops'
Loose rivets is offline  
Old 12th Dec 2012, 22:30
  #2170 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: UK
Age: 81
Posts: 698
Woman at the funeral of her husband was complimented by another for providing such a nice send off for the late departed. "Thank you" she replied "I spent £40,000 on his send off".

Her friend couldn't believe the high cost and the widow explained "I paid about £500 for the vicar, £1200 for the crematorium, £600 for the flowers, £1400 for the meal afterwards and over £46,000 for the stone"



The widow went on to explain; "Yes I had it mounted in a platinum ring and I think that added to the cost".
funfly is offline  
Old 12th Dec 2012, 23:18
  #2171 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: CYZV
Age: 73
Posts: 1,259
pigboat. That is sick !
Aww c'mon, you know you laughed at that answer.
pigboat is offline  
Old 13th Dec 2012, 00:14
  #2172 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Why oh why would I wanna be anywhere else?
Posts: 1,305
"I spent £40,000 on his send off"
Vicar 500
Cremmy 1200
Flowers 600
Wake 1400
Stone 46000+

Adds up to £50,000+ quid in my book

Sorry - it's the pedant in me that makes me do it
sisemen is offline  
Old 13th Dec 2012, 04:31
  #2173 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: dans un cercle dont le centre est eveywhere et circumfernce n'est nulle part
Posts: 2,606
Convert it to Australian dollars and Australian Labor Party accounting and you will see it all pans out OK.

$4,000 quid out in the red is mere peanuts.
Frank Arouet is offline  
Old 13th Dec 2012, 07:19
  #2174 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 525
Report into bullying in the ADF

UNCLASSIFIED
This may be of interest to those who served in the ADF:
REPORT BY THE EQUAL OPPORTUNITIES ADVISORY TEAM (EOAD) INTO BULLYING IN ADF.
The EOAD has presented its latest report to parliament and has found that allegations of 'a culture of widespread bullying and brutality' within the Australian Defence Forces are, in the most part, unfounded.
The Advisory Team, which travelled to every Defence Establishment across Australia and overseas, interviewed staff from all three services and found surprisingly few cases of unfair treatment or bullying within the Royal Australian Navy and the Australian Army.
However, endemic mistreatment would appear to exist in the Royal Australian Air Force. Complaints to the EOAT numbered 13,555 from the RAAF, compared to 3 from the Navy and just 1 from the Army.
While this statistic is alarming in its own right, it becomes horrific when one considers that each complaint represents a sad story of abuse, mistreatment and neglect. As one senior RAAF officer was quoted: "Each story is, in itself, a sad indictment of the RAAF. When taken as a whole, however, they demonstrate a reprehensible lack of regard for personnel on the part of RAAF management at all levels, and I include junior managers in particular."
One young pilot told of having to spend two nights in tented accommodation, despite the fact that there was a five-star hotel just 10 kms away with rooms available.
Another said that he had been forced to endure a gruelling fitness test every year since he joined in 1997.
One airwoman alleged that she had been overlooked for promotion on numerous occasions, simply because she was fat, lazy and stupid.
An aircraftman stated that he had been refused permission to wear civilian attire to work, despite the fact that his uniform clashed with the blonde highlights he had put in his hair.
Another had been forced to wear uncomfortable safety boots for periods of up to eight hours at a time.
An RAAF clerk could not understand why she had been sent to work in a Joint military headquarters. "I have been forced to work for horrid Army people who just don't understand what the military is all about" she stated, "I feel that the RAAF has victimised me by forcing me to do this….I shall be seeking compensation."
Shockingly, RAAF Senior Ranks are also subject to widespread mistreatment. One SNCO Flight Sergeant stated: "I was deeply, deeply upset when I was addressed as 'Flight Sergeant' by an officer. He knew my name was Robert. It was just horrible. I have never been more humiliated in my life." In response, a senior RAAF officer stated: "The officer in question has been moved on…"
A huge backlash against the treatment of Air Force personnel should provide senior officers with a vital clue with regard to the massive retention problems experienced by the RAAF in recent years. Over the past 24 months, Defence has spent 19.8 million looking into the issue.

Not all of the Air Force's hierarchy, however, were upset by the revelations. Outgoing Chief of the Air Staff, Air Chief Marshal Sir Errol Flynn, KCB CBE DFC ADC BSc (Eng) FRAeS stated: "I am delighted with the result. I am very happy that our retention problems are due, in the most part at least, to something as harmless as bullying. I thought everyone was leaving because of me."
Hydromet is offline  
Old 13th Dec 2012, 08:15
  #2175 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: North Queensland, Australia
Posts: 2,869
Well I didn't get sexually harrassed in the RAAF; sure I'm not that good looking, but it was a bit of a kick in the guts to be overlooked...
Arm out the window is offline  
Old 13th Dec 2012, 08:17
  #2176 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Chez Sprog
Posts: 493
The BBC will miss Sir Patrick Moore - the only guy they had with a telescope who wasn't pointing it at the local school playground.
Sprogget is offline  
Old 13th Dec 2012, 10:47
  #2177 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Cape Town / UK / Europe
Posts: 728
We've all heard the 'Irish' joke about Paddy who burned his face when he answered the 'phone whilst doing the ironing .......

Man burns his head after mistaking iron for phone

A Polish man has managed to burn the side of his head while doing housework after mistaking the iron for a phone.

Tomasz Paczkowski from the northern Polish town of Elblag now sports bandages around his head after a request from his wife to help with the housework while he enjoyed a few days off work backfired.

“My wife had gone to work and asked me to help with the housework,” the 32-year old told the Polish newspaper Fakt. “After breakfast I started to work. I turned on the boxing channel on the TV, opened a beer and started ironing.

“I was really getting involved in the boxing and was not really thinking about what I was doing,” he continued. “Suddenly the phone rang and I mucked things up: instead of grabbing the receiver I picked up the iron and put it to my ear.”

Mr Paczkowski said a burning sensation on his ear soon made him realise his mistake. To compound his misfortune a dash to the bathroom to cool his burn with water resulted in his head hitting a door frame, causing an injury just above the left eye.

As a result of his accident he said he would give up watching boxing on the television but would continue to iron.
Tableview is offline  
Old 13th Dec 2012, 10:58
  #2178 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2000
Location: London
Posts: 32
In the very old joke along similar lines the victim has both ears bandaged. His mate asks him why and he explains about picking up the iron instead of the phone. His mate asks, "What about the other ear?"
"That was when I phoned for the ambulance."
Gordon17 is offline  
Old 13th Dec 2012, 13:10
  #2179 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Canadian Shield
Posts: 536
A Royal Engineer has just finished 2 tours in Afghanistan.

He's decided to stay on and open his own business.

He's designed a land-mine that looks like a prayer mat.

The business is doing really well.

Prophets are going through the roof.
er340790 is offline  
Old 13th Dec 2012, 15:26
  #2180 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Norwich, UK
Age: 67
Posts: 102
Thanks for that, er, just spilt my tea!
FlyerFoto is offline  

Thread Tools
Search this Thread

Contact Us - Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service - Do Not Sell My Personal Information

Copyright © 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.