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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 20th Nov 2012, 17:36
  #2021 (permalink)  
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ilvaporista, I just popped round to give a 14 year old friend of ours his birthday card, and told him the undertaker joke, he thought it hilarious. Thanks !

Last edited by OFSO; 20th Nov 2012 at 18:15.
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Old 20th Nov 2012, 19:08
  #2022 (permalink)  
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A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles roll
ed into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.. The students responded with a unanimous ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two Beers from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand.The students laughed..

‘Now,’ said the professor as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things—-your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions—-and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.. The sand is everything else—-the small stuff.

‘If you put the sand into the jar first,’ he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

Spend time with your children. Spend time with your parents. Visit with grandparents. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and mow the lawn.

Take care of the golf balls first—-the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled and said, ‘I’m glad you asked.’
The beer just shows you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of beers with a friend.

Cheers! (Happy T-Day)
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Old 20th Nov 2012, 22:58
  #2023 (permalink)  
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Look, those arent real spin offs...


Last edited by FlightPathOBN; 20th Nov 2012 at 23:03.
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Old 21st Nov 2012, 03:01
  #2024 (permalink)  
 
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I can see the nuts too!
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Old 21st Nov 2012, 07:08
  #2025 (permalink)  
 
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FlightPathOBN: ... and she just got divorced! WOOHOO! AVAILABLE!
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Old 21st Nov 2012, 08:55
  #2026 (permalink)  
 
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This real asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath, taste it."

***
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."

***
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said to her, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely, most tables would have collapsed by now."

***
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their tits.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience. "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

***

"Jesus loves you."

A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

***
I got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

***
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Old 21st Nov 2012, 13:39
  #2027 (permalink)  
 
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TABLEVIEW

I apologise,I posted the same failed to notice you beat me by a few hours!
now removed

W S
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Old 21st Nov 2012, 16:48
  #2028 (permalink)  
 
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Nellie went to see her husband Harry for the last time. The mortician had explained to her that Harry unfortunately had died with an erection which prevented them getting the coffin lid on. He went on to explain that this was not uncommon and the answer was to cut the rigid member off and insert it in the anus. Nellie understood the dilemma and gave her permission.

As Nellie bent over her dear husband laid out in his coffin and lowered her head to give him a farewell kiss, noticed a tear in his eye.

"yes, it hurts doesn't it?" she commented.
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Old 21st Nov 2012, 18:39
  #2029 (permalink)  
 
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BEST SMART ASS REPLIES (Contains some aviation related material)






It was mealtime during an airline flight.
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.



SMART ASS ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'



SMART ASS ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'



SMART ASS ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.



SMART ASS ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'


SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'



A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly... I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.
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Old 21st Nov 2012, 20:22
  #2030 (permalink)  
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A true smart answer....no, a true STATEMENT.


Heard on a B Cal flight from Frankfurt a.M. to London: a passenger seated near the rear of the aircraft had exposed himself to Fiona, one of the delightful Scottish stews.

She fixed him with an angry look and said loudly "PUT THAT THING AWAY, AND I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT AGAIN UNTIL THE END OF THE FLIGHT".

She came to the front of the aircraft and repeated what she had said to her colleagues serving us up front; and didn't initially realise why they burst out laughing.
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Old 21st Nov 2012, 22:12
  #2031 (permalink)  

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OFSO There is also the story of a rather diminutive comedian who asked, after partaking of alcohol, "What would you say to a wee ?"
The answer came back, "Hello wee "

Last edited by Lon More; 21st Nov 2012 at 22:14.
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Old 22nd Nov 2012, 00:35
  #2032 (permalink)  
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ATC is back online at Heathrow?

Harwell Dekatron / WITCH Reboot tnmoc.org - YouTube

Last edited by FlightPathOBN; 22nd Nov 2012 at 00:37.
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Old 22nd Nov 2012, 20:15
  #2033 (permalink)  
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Fifty Sheds Of Grey

We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a
wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.



She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with me."
So I took her to McDonalds.



She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.



Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.



"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof."



"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.



"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"



I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.



"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the
receipt.



"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."



"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.



"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

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Old 22nd Nov 2012, 21:07
  #2034 (permalink)  
 
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"I can give you exquisite pleasure and unbearable pain," she said as she rubbed my back while Justin Beiber played in the background.
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Old 23rd Nov 2012, 00:19
  #2035 (permalink)  
 
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Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question:

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child.

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.
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Old 23rd Nov 2012, 00:51
  #2036 (permalink)  
 
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The six affairs

*The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!'



The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'Not this time!'




The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz about to be cremated and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part, it must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'




The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,' she said, 'pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied ', the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'




The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'




The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted, I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied,' now just rest and let the poison work.'*
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Old 23rd Nov 2012, 02:09
  #2037 (permalink)  
 
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Old 23rd Nov 2012, 02:11
  #2038 (permalink)  
 
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Old 23rd Nov 2012, 06:38
  #2039 (permalink)  
 
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You may not think it, but this must be a joke..........

MPs deserve to be 'trusted' again on expenses, head of watchdog claims - Telegraph
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Old 23rd Nov 2012, 12:05
  #2040 (permalink)  
 
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Is it just my imagination, or are there fewer jokes posted on a Friday than there are on other days?
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