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Friday Jokes

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Friday Jokes

Old 9th Jan 2012, 01:42
  #181 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 1998
Location: Formerly of Nam
Posts: 1,595
An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a
small town and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his
dog.

He thinks he'll have some fun so he says to the Kiwi "Gday.
Mind if I talk to your dog?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk you stupid bloody Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog. How's it going mate?"

Dog: "Yeh doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this bloke your owner?" (pointing at the kiwi)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Yeh real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great
tucker and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Um, the horse doesn't talk either... I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is that your owner?"

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good and thanks for asking. He rides me regularly,
brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed as protection
from the Elements."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Kiwi: (in a panic) "Well the sheep's a fcukin' liar and I wouldn't
trust a word the little bastard says...."
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Old 9th Jan 2012, 09:53
  #182 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: In the shadows
Age: 76
Posts: 291
Wee Billy from Glesga always wanted to look cool. His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit. Billy saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Ginger and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.

Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by "See ma new trainers? Stonkin, eh?"

One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Billy aware that he had a lace undone? Billy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace and that on the sole of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to do such a thing.

When asked for proof of this instruction, Billy look off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.

"There y'are! It clearly says ....

Taiwan !!!!!
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Old 9th Jan 2012, 18:34
  #183 (permalink)  
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Bloke goes in the shower one morning, his weekly belly-button-fluff removal completed, he feels in his navel, something hard. Gets mirror and light, looks in, sees head of a gold screw, wierd-shaped recess in the head. Pokes around, tries to get it out, no luck.

Off next day to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but he can't get it out either. So on to a proctologist who says he's not qualified for that particular orifice, then a dermatologist who says it doesn't look dangerous, just leave it. Doctor after doctor says can't do anything about it.

Bloke is beginning to feel like a prevert, with this screw in his belly-button.

Despondent after several weeks of futile searching for an answer, he goes in a pub and has a drink. Sees old mate, to whom he tells his story. Mate doesn't laugh but suggest he tries the Wise Woman living on the hill. Poor bloke laughs it off, just goes home and sulks. But after a few such evenings he decides to try the Wise Woman.

(Cue for Black Adder joke if you like).

Anyway he turns up at the Wise Woman's house, she looks at the screw in his navel, hums and ha's, but says the only think she can think of is this: "sleep next full moon under an open window, drag your bed over to the right position, no bed clothes, just lie there."

Bloke pays her and goes home, thinks what a load of cobblers it all is, but come the bext full moon he drags his bed over under the window, opens this, pulls bedclothes down and waits. Moonbeam slowly moves around until it's shining on his navel: then he sees something !

A tiny but beautiful fairy is flying down the moonbeam towards him, a screwdriver under one arm. She lands on the bed, hops up to his navel, inserts the screwdriver - it fits ! - and turns..and turns..and turns...and slowly out comes the screw, about 8" long. When it's right out she nods her head, tucks the screw under one arm, the 'driver under the other, and flies back up the moonbeam.

Bloke feels so happy it's gone at last, he falls asleep with a smile on his face. Next morning he wakes up and feels - yes, the horrid screw is gone !

He jumps out of bed with a cry of joy, and his arse falls off.
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Old 9th Jan 2012, 19:54
  #184 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: east sussex
Age: 60
Posts: 17
I entered the Sexual Olympics, my results were as follows:-

Impotence Trophy ; Came nowhere.

Erection Championship ; Only made it to the semis.

Premature Ejaculation Stakes ; Knocked out during the preliminaries.

Still; at least I didn't come home empty handed.
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Old 9th Jan 2012, 23:44
  #185 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2001
Location: Near Stalyvegas
Age: 74
Posts: 2,023
What do you call a fat Ballet Dancer?






A Barrelina..

The three sexual ages of Man.....



Tri Weekly




Try Weekly



Try Weakly
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Old 10th Jan 2012, 15:53
  #186 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: south of Cirencester, north of Lyneham
Age: 73
Posts: 1,243
Friday Jokes

Where has it disappeared to?
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Old 10th Jan 2012, 17:15
  #187 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: East of LGB
Age: 65
Posts: 619
I'm afraid they've all been told.
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Old 10th Jan 2012, 17:18
  #188 (permalink)  
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I typed out a long joke last night - much effort - posted it and the thread disappeared !
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Old 10th Jan 2012, 17:20
  #189 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: East of LGB
Age: 65
Posts: 619
So you're the thread killer....

By the way, I'm missing a grey sock.
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Old 10th Jan 2012, 17:24
  #190 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Somewhere between E17487 and F75775
Age: 76
Posts: 723
No doubt gone through the black hole which is built into every washing machine and which is just big enough to swallow socks.

But where do they all end up ?
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Old 10th Jan 2012, 17:51
  #191 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: East of LGB
Age: 65
Posts: 619
I'm not sure, but now I seem to have an extra dark blue one. I wonder if it's some type of a cultural exchange program.
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Old 10th Jan 2012, 17:52
  #192 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: East of LGB
Age: 65
Posts: 619
On that note, I noticed a switch by my front door that didn't seem to control anything. For the last two months I have been turning it off and on.

I received a phone call this morning from some lady in Miami Florida. She told me to stop it.
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Old 10th Jan 2012, 18:00
  #193 (permalink)  
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Somewhere between E17487 and F75775
Age: 76
Posts: 723
I'm not sure, but now I seem to have an extra dark blue one. I wonder if it's some type of a cultural exchange program.

Funny thing that, I have lost a dark blue one. Too much of a coincidence if you have mine, so it must be directed. Oh-oh, aluminum foil hat time.
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Old 10th Jan 2012, 18:06
  #194 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: The Luberon
Age: 68
Posts: 915
I got an Robin van Persie tea tray for Christmas. It can carry 10 mugs !
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Old 10th Jan 2012, 18:45
  #195 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Confoederatio Helvetica
Age: 65
Posts: 2,846
Apparently these are the year end statistics on Airport pat-down screening from the Atlanta airport TSA office:

Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
Transvestites 133
Hernias 1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
Incontinence 6,418
Enlarged Prostates 8,249
Breast Implants 59,350
Natural Blondes 3

I think it's a hoax, there aren't that many blondes in Georgia!
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Old 10th Jan 2012, 19:10
  #196 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: England.
Posts: 441
OFSO's unceremoniously deleted joke

Should I post em all and go for broke?


Bloke goes in the shower one morning, his weekly belly-button-fluff removal completed, he feels in his navel, something hard. Gets mirror and light, looks in, sees head of a gold screw, wierd-shaped recess in the head. Pokes around, tries to get it out, no luck.

Off next day to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but he can't get it out either. So on to a proctologist who says he's not qualified for that particular orifice, then a dermatologist who says it doesn't look dangerous, just leave it. Doctor after doctor says can't do anything about it.

Bloke is beginning to feel like a prevert, with this screw in his belly-button.

Despondent after several weeks of futile searching for an answer, he goes in a pub and has a drink. Sees old mate, to whom he tells his story. Mate doesn't laugh but suggest he tries the Wise Woman living on the hill. Poor bloke laughs it off, just goes home and sulks. But after a few such evenings he decides to try the Wise Woman.

(Cue for Black Adder joke if you like).

Anyway he turns up at the Wise Woman's house, she looks at the screw in his navel, hums and ha's, but says the only think she can think of is this: "sleep next full moon under an open window, drag your bed over to the right position, no bed clothes, just lie there."

Bloke pays her and goes home, thinks what a load of cobblers it all is, but come the bext full moon he drags his bed over under the window, opens this, pulls bedclothes down and waits. Moonbeam slowly moves around until it's shining on his navel: then he sees something !

A tiny but beautiful fairy is flying down the moonbeam towards him, a screwdriver under one arm. She lands on the bed, hops up to his navel, inserts the screwdriver - it fits ! - and turns..and turns..and turns...and slowly out comes the screw, about 8" long. When it's right out she nods her head, tucks the screw under one arm, the 'driver under the other, and flies back up the moonbeam.

Bloke feels so happy it's gone at last, he falls asleep with a smile on his face. Next morning he wakes up and feels - yes, the horrid screw is gone !

He jumps out of bed with a cry of joy, and his arse falls off.
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Old 10th Jan 2012, 20:33
  #197 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: south of Cirencester, north of Lyneham
Age: 73
Posts: 1,243
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'

'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'

'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg right and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'

'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.

'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.

'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said... 'You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?'
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Old 10th Jan 2012, 20:36
  #198 (permalink)  
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Join Date: May 1999
Location: Sunny (or Rainy) Somerset, England
Posts: 2,024
Oops sorry. Can only think it must have been finger trouble on my part or a wiggly-amp failure.

I meant to delete the last post on this thread and - apparently - it all went.

Anyway, it's back now.
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Old 10th Jan 2012, 21:17
  #199 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
Join Date: Jul 1999
Location: Up someone's nose
Age: 71
Posts: 1,768
The three sexual ages of Man.....
My brain interpreted that as Manchester City .... The rest seems appropriate.
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Old 10th Jan 2012, 21:22
  #200 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Chez Sprog
Posts: 493
Talking of football, I got a Robin Van Persie tea tray for Christmas. It carries ten mugs.
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