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As there was a doctor in the house...........

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As there was a doctor in the house...........

Old 19th Jan 2010, 18:40
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Wink As there was a doctor in the house...........

there was no need for me to go to the hospital.

Today is the second half of the annual event that I must believe that my wife has planned for years to rid her of my presences in her life. The first half of this very clever, diabolical plan is of course the demand upon my person to decorate the outside of the house with Christmas Lights and outdoor Christmas decorations. Having survived the first segment of her dastardly and deadly plan, as related to all of you in a previous thread, I foolishly lowered my guard thinking I was safe.

However, as usual, she took me unaware. So there I was, all innocent and the like, trading bards, expounding on my wisdom and expressing my rapier wit dealing with life and death matters up to and including the possible extinction of the world as we know it on PPRuNe when she struck.

“Oh dear, it is time to take down the outdoor lights and decorations.”

“Sorry hun, too busy on the computer, err, working.”

“No you’re not, it’s Sunday and you’re on PPRuNe.”

“Oh, err, well the guys need my help, the other side is ganging up on one of our buddies.”

“They’re big boys, they can take care of themselves. Now go outside and get to work.”

Well I thought, ‘She’s not really insisting, maybe I can get out of this.’ “Oh wait, hmm, there’s a football game, yeah, that’s it, there’s a game, some kind of a playoff game.”

“Yes, I know, I’m watching it in my office, Dallas is losing and your TV is tuned to the ‘Cartoon Network’ and you’re watching Mickey Mouse. “

Damn, busted again. “Well, err, I knew that, I was hmm, watching the game, got depressed and switched to the………………….”

“Now, no more nonsense.”

“But honey, all that snow, remember we got all that snow on Christmas Eve, a blizzard. Plus the ice, all that ice under the snow. I could do myself seriously grievous bodily injury I could. Better play it safe and wait a while, like June. June would be good, all the ice and snow will be gone by June and it will be warmer. It’s too cold outside right now.”

“It is 62 degrees outside right now, the wind is calm and there is not a cloud in the sky. And you know very well that all the ice and snow melted last week. Plus our youngest son is playing golf today, that’s how nice it is today. Now get busy.”

For a second a suicidal thought enter my mind, I almost blurted out, ‘Hey, I got a great idea, why don’t I just leave them up? Just think of the time and trouble it will save next year.’ Fortunately my self-preservation kicked into first gear and I was saved from certain death.

Then she gives me the ‘Glare’. All married men know the ‘Glare’. I have seen her ‘Glare’ stop charging Rhinos, freeze wine, stop NFL linemen dead in their tracks and boil water from 100 feet.

“Yes dear, I’ll get right on it.” Resigned to my fate, I get up and leave my supposedly safe haven of my bar. I walk to into the garage which, if you’ll recall, is where the attic access door is located. Having finally recovered from my injuries received from the said door getting the door open and extending the collapsible attic access ladder I am very wary of suffering the same type injuries. So very cleverly I approach the backside of the door, jump up and grab the access cord that had been repaired from my last attempt to gain access to the attic.

After I pick myself up from off the floor, caused by me tripping over one of our cats that ran in front of my feet at the exact second I started to jump, I dust myself off; go get a step ladder and some extra cord to lengthen the access cord to the attic door. After tying on a longer piece of cord, so that now the cord is within easy reach, I put the step ladder back away and grab the cord to open the door.

Then I go back to my bar where my computer is and ‘Google’, “How to tie a non-slip knot?”. This is when I have my first small nip of Scotch.

Thus armed with my new found knowledge I return to the garage, retie the knot, put the step ladder back up again and pull down on the cord. One of the dogs licking me on my face wakes me up. At this juncture you have probably figured out that in my excitement of tying the knot the correct way I forgot to stand behind the door and not in front it. If that was what you thought, you were correct in your assumption.

As I slowly return to full consciousness I see that all four of our cats have placed themselves at various places in the garage, all looking at me and I swear to God they are laughing at me. Well, it will be a real long time before they get any catnip from me, that’s for sure. I go back to inside the house.

After I stop the bleeding, I place a band aid on my forehead and go to my bar and have my second wee nip of Scotch. Okay, okay, so it was a bit more than a ‘wee’ nip, none of your business is it? So cut me some slack. Hmm, speaking of ‘cut’, I noticed that my arm is bleeding, haven’t a clue how and when that happened. So back to the bathroom, put on another band aid and start to head out back into the garage when;

“Honey, are you okay? Is everything all right?”

Ha! As if she didn’t know, all part of her plan I’m sure. “Yes dear, no problems, everything going just hunky-e-dory. All’s well my sweetheart.”

“Okay, just checking, oh, Dallas is still losing. Can I get you anything?”

Yeah, a new brain would be just great, “No dear, I’m fine. I’ll just get back to work why don’t I.”

With that spirited conversation concluded I return to the garage and then now open attic door with the attached ladder extended. I start to go up the ladder when I remember, the light switch, I go over, turn on the attic light, go back to the ladder and climb up into the attic. Then I come back down the ladder, go back into the house and get a new light bulb, as the one in the attic has burned out. New light bulb in hand I go back out to the garage, go to the ladder and go up into the attic. Oops, it is really, really dark in the attic.

I go back down the ladder, back into the house and get a flashlight (torch, an electric one, not one with the proper oily bit on the end). Yes, I did check to make sure it worked, bet you lot thought that I would forget to do that, didn’t you? Now thusly armed with an artificial illumination device I mount the stairs one more time. I replace the bulb and look around triumphantly.

Now I have successfully gained access into attic, part one of this mission is completed. Now for part two, remove the empty outdoor decorations boxes from the attic and into the garage where I can move them into the front yard to be filled with all the crap that I put out before Christmas. Okay, I grab the first box, take it over to the opening and throw it out onto the garage floor. ‘Crash’! Oops, that could have been a wrong box.

Back down the ladder. I walk over and look at the cardboard box, looks okay on the outside, hmm, appears to be some writing on the box. ‘FRAGILE Great-grandmother’s antique tea set.’ Uh-oh.

“Honey, are you alright, I heard something? Is everything okay?”

Oh sure, I damn near get killed out here dozens of times and she hears squat, but the second something of hers might be damaged, she has super hearing. “No, no problems honey, all is well.”

“Well what did I hear, I heard something break?”

“Huh, I err, hmm dropped a light bulb, I had to replace the attic light, it was burned out.”

“Didn’t sound like a light bulb.”

“It was a big light bulb.”

“Well okay, just be careful honey. It’s really not that important, why don’t you wait until one of the boys come home to help you?”

Oh sure, now she says not important, now she says wait for one of the boys to come home. “No, I’ll be okay, I’m already started, might as well finish.”

“Would you like me to come out and help? No way Dallas is going to win, so why don’t I come out and help you.”

“NO! I mean not just yet honey, maybe in a little while, okay?”

“Alright dear, just let me know and I’ll be happy to help.”

Okay, now what to do with the evidence? I grab the box and go back up into the attic, after looking around I see a very dark corner. Right then, I put there as far back into the recesses of darkness that I can. Okay, nobody will find that until we move, if we ever do. Now back to getting the outdoor Christmas stuff boxes down and out. This goes quickly and soon all the appropriate boxes are down and have been moved to the front yard. In celebration I go back to my bar and have a celebratory Scotch.

Thusly fortified with Scotch I return to the chore at hand. First I disconnect all of the extension cords, roll them up and place them into the appropriate box along with the automated timer boxes and connection boxes. Next all of the ‘cute’ little reindeers, angels, soldiers and electrical candy canes, are all carried to the shed in the back yard and put away. Hell, this is going easier and faster than I thought, time for another Scotch.

Now re-fortified, I go back out and study the remaining outdoor decorations; the lights. Let me tell all of you something. There are thousands of lights, big multi-colored lights, icicle lights, flashing lights and small light strands everywhere. There are lights on the roof eves all across the entire front of the house, all the hedges are covered in lights, all the bushes are covered in lights, all the small trees are covered in lights, all of the trunks of the big tree have lights wrapped them and the ivy bed, that is the size of a swimming pool, is outlined in lights, not to mention the four statues that I covered in lights.

I decide that starting at the top seemed the best way to proceed. About this time a couple of cars pull into the driveway. It is number two son and a friend of his; they had been out playing golf.

“Hi dad, I see mom’s got you taking down the Christmas stuff.”

My son as always been gifted with seeing the bleedin’ obvious. “Hi guys, yeah, not too much to go now, how was the round?”

“So so, I was four over and Clint was par. Hang on a minute and we’ll help you.”

‘Well, four over, big deal, dang showoffs, mumble, mumble,’ “Take your time, I’ve pretty well have it covered.”

“Dad, please don’t mess with the roof eve lights, we’ll take care of those, really. You don’t need to be climbing ladders.”

Ah, the arrogances of youth, okay, okay so 33 is not so young, big deal. “Don’t worry about it son, I’ll start on the lights on the statues.”

After I take down the roof eve lights. Ha, ha. I’ll show ‘em. I go into the garage and get the extension ladder, go out the side door of the garage, extend the ladder to where it will reach the roof so I can climb up and start taking the lights down.

As I start up the ladder I notice that I placed the bottom of the ladder just in front of the side garage door. Wait a minute, does that door open in, or out………………………..

“Are you sure we should not call an ambulance? That was a terrible fall he took.” I vaguely hear my wife ask.

“No, the bump on the back of his head is outward and I stitched the second cut on his forehead. His eye dilation in both eyes is good. Aspirin should handle the pain. He’s coming around now. How do you feel?” I the dim recesses of my mind I somehow recognize the voice of my son’s friend Clint, who is an Emergency Room doctor. “Lucky for you I always carry an emergency kit, even when I play golf.”

‘Huh, what happened?”

“Oh honey, I’m so sorry, I opened the side door, didn’t see the ladder until it was too late and you fell. God I feel so sorry, I promise that you’ll never have to put up the outdoor Christmas decorations ever again, I promise.” I am looking at her while she is saying this, her face is pale and tears are coming out of her eyes.

Ah I think, success, success at last. I smile. “Would you go get me a Scotch?”

Last edited by con-pilot; 19th Jan 2010 at 18:59.
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Old 19th Jan 2010, 19:01
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Now all you need is some sprouts and then the whole Christmas experience will have been, well, experienced
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Old 19th Jan 2010, 20:18
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Join Date: May 2009
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Then she gives me the ‘Glare’. All married men know the ‘Glare’. I have seen her ‘Glare’ stop charging Rhinos, freeze wine, stop NFL linemen dead in their tracks and boil water from 100 feet
Where do women learn that 'Glare'? Is it learned or does it just come with the female package?

Have a wee dram for me Con!

Last edited by Cacophonix; 19th Jan 2010 at 20:19. Reason: Mistake made without any dram at all!
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Old 19th Jan 2010, 20:24
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HYSTERICAL, Con ! Many thanks.

Boy, they do it to us every time. "While you're out there, honey..." "While you're up there, honey..." "When you've got a minute, honey..."

"Oh well, I didn't mean RIGHT NOW, for heaven's sake..."
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Old 19th Jan 2010, 20:28
  #5 (permalink)  
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I promise that you’ll never have to put up the outdoor Christmas decorations ever again, I promise.

If you didn't get that in writing, and witnessed, guess what?
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Old 19th Jan 2010, 20:39
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Clint´s a hero, your missus is an Alpha Female and you´re JB´s biggest W*I*M*P.

Very very glad you´re OK Connie!!!
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Old 19th Jan 2010, 20:40
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Join Date: May 2002
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Being single.....and un-encumbered this year....I just skipped to the Whisky and evaded all that other fun! Last Christmas I got trapped by a lady friend when upon arriving to fetch her to a "Chick Flick"....I was invited to help with the decorating in lieu of enduring the Flick. Alas, I chose to pass the Chick thing but found myself way beyond my comfort level on a tall skinny non OSHA approved step ladder that reached about Top of the chimney.

She being a "Psych Nurse"....managed to keep my anxiety attacks under control....and was able to restore my breathing after the Ground Fault Interrupter shut off the current to the extension cord I was unwinding. I had it under control but she being helpful....plugged it in as I was wading through the fish pond to get to the Palm tree on the mini-island at the centre of the pond.

I started on the New Year's Resolutions early on the way home.....as I enjoyed the fragrant aroma of fresh Labador poop coming from the carpet of my new Pickup truck floor. No decorating this year.....dumped her after Thanksgiving....and made up this week. We have a deal.....I get to live in and baby sit the Labador while she takes her boyfriend to Willamsburg this weekend. I love the Labador!
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Old 19th Jan 2010, 21:31
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No sympathy from me. Anyone who climbs more than three feet off the ground without 20 tons of airplane strapped to his butt deserves whatever he gets.
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Old 19th Jan 2010, 21:34
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Con, my professional opinion is that you did not have enough scotch before setting out on this arduous task.

The shock from breaking the tea set coupled with the strain climbing the ladder depleted your sugar reserves and caused blackout leading to your collapse.

My prescription for you is to feign pain and discomfort for one week and guilting SWMBO into giving you a course of TLC and full whiskeys with the correct amount of ice in the correct temp glass at all times, as surely with all this pain and discomfort you Shirley could not do it on your own.
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Old 19th Jan 2010, 22:09
  #10 (permalink)  
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It is a real shame you didn't have the tea service box in your arms when your wife opened the door, you could have then blamed that on her!
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Old 20th Jan 2010, 03:24
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Man Bilong Balus long PNG
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Location: Now stewing on the fact that due to this Gottverdammt Covid-19 curse I am not returning to Japan this year, or going anywhere for that matter! So just continuing the search for that bad bottle of Red!
Age: 65
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Bloody hilarious con-pilot!

Never have to put up the decorations again eh? It will be interesting to read what you will have to say on the subject around mid December this year!

Oh, and have a double Scotch for me. Single Malt naturally.
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Old 20th Jan 2010, 04:18
  #12 (permalink)  
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Flippin' 'ek Con. 9,402 characters! Yer fingers must be in need of some best Single Malt.
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Old 20th Jan 2010, 05:35
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Roll over, James Thurber.
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Old 20th Jan 2010, 06:12
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Read the fine print!

"Never have to put up the decorations again... until I want/need you to do that," is how it actually reads.

We have got away with just throwing some strands of white outdoor lights onto the blue spruce in the backyard but there is the rigging of the extension cords to power same. I wrapped the connections in lots of plazzie bags secured with brown tape but even so, in the middle of the night of course, water crept in and shut down the house. When I came down in the morning to raise the shutters... nothing! Trapped like rats in the name of celebrating Xmas!

Since I am sat here writing this you can imagine that horror story had a happy ending of course but wait until later this year when it shall repeat itself in some way.

It is unfair to call us "wimps." "Slaves," certainly or perhaps just "fools for love."
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Old 20th Jan 2010, 06:53
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I love reading these con!

Nice work
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Old 20th Jan 2010, 07:48
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con, i got the 'glare' on the 12th night to get the decorations down !

the garden extends into woodland where the tree is neatly stuffed (sshhh!) which i will deal with next time i get the chainsaw out.

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Old 20th Jan 2010, 08:23
  #17 (permalink)  
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There's "by the book" and there's "by the nachos".... and then there's both.

Good bit of fun, Cap'n, thanks for sharing.
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