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Clarksonisms

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Clarksonisms

Old 14th Jan 2010, 22:15
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Clarksonisms

I'm not sure if these are accurate but this was emailed to me this morning.If there are some TopGear fans here who can vouch for them or post some more.
Personally,I think it's refreshing to see someone who is not politically correct in the media.
Affectionately referred to as Clarksonisms, Top Gear presenter Jeremy Clarkson's quips are the stuff of legends among car enthusiasts...

- "I'm sorry, but having a DB9 on the drive and not driving it is a bit like having Keira Knightley in your bed and sleeping on the couch."

- "The last time someone was as wrong as you, was when a politician stepped off an aeroplane in 1939 waving a piece of paper in the air saying there will be no war with Germany."

- Illustrating the lack of power of a Boxster: "It couldn't pull a greased stick out of a pig's bottom."

- On the Vauxhall Vectra VXR: "there is a word to describe this car. It begins with 's' and ends with ‘t' and it isn't soot."

- "The Suzuki Wagon R should be avoided like unprotected sex with an Ethiopian transvestite."

- "The air conditioning in a Lambo used to be an asthmatic sitting in the dashboard blowing at you through a straw."

- "Koenigsegg are saying that the CCX is more comfortable. More comfortable than what... BEING STABBED?"

- "This is the Renault Espace, probably the best of the people carriers. Not that that's much to shout about. That's like saying ‘Ooh good I've got syphilis, the BEST of the sexually transmitted diseases.'"

- "I don't understand bus lanes. Why do poor people have to get to places quicker than I do?"

- Clarkson's highway code on cyclists: "Trespassers in the motorcars domain, they do not pay road tax and therefore have no right to be on the road, some of them even believe they are going fast enough to not be an obstruction. Run them down to prove them wrong."

- "Britain's nuclear submarines have been deemed unsafe... probably because they don't have wheel-chair access."

- "Now we get quite a lot of complaints that we don't feature enough affordable cars on the show… so we'll kick off tonight with the cheapest Ferrari of them all!"

- On the Lotus Elise: "This car is more fun than the entire French air force crashing into a firework factory."

- "Sure it's quiet, for a diesel. But that's like being well-behaved... for a murderer."

- "I don't often agree with the RSPCA as I believe it is an animal's duty to be on my plate at supper time."

- "There are footballers wives that would be happy with this quality of stitching... on their face."

- "Much more of a hoot to drive than you might imagine. Think of it if you like, as a librarian with a G-string under her tweed pants. I do, and it helps."

- "You cannot have this car with a diesel. It's like saying, I won't go to Stringfellows tonight, I'll get my mum to give me a lap dance, she's a woman!"

- "Tonight, the new Viper, which is the American equivalent of a sports car... in the same way, I guess, that George Bush is the equivalent of a President."

- On the Porsche Cayenne: "Honestly, I have seen more attractive gangrenous wounds than this. It has the sex appeal of a camel with gingivitis."
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Old 14th Jan 2010, 23:08
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A la Jezzer, I was thinking of starting a "Some say..." thread. Trouble is, I couldn't think of anything pithy enough.

Anyone?
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Old 14th Jan 2010, 23:27
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'Blackadder' was doing these pithy non-pc comments long before Clarkson who, along with the rest of his team just overdoes the smart @rse comments, which ain't really funny anymore.
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Old 14th Jan 2010, 23:31
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Clarkson

Personally, not a big fan. However, in 09 we holidayed in Vietnam.

Our fam watched Clarksons Vietnam film in Dec. A great film for sure.

He's not a complete ****. That's for sure.
 
Old 15th Jan 2010, 05:27
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A few of those quotes are in this one



And a couple of my personal favourites

Someone wrote in asking for a sensible every-day road test, this was the result:



And a challenge where they had to build a Caterham and drive it outside before the Stig got there:



Yeah maybe I'm a bit of a Top Gear guy
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Old 15th Jan 2010, 06:50
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Apostrophe police here. Clarksonism's what?
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Old 15th Jan 2010, 09:02
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The VW Golf: Berlin to Warsaw with one tank.
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Old 15th Jan 2010, 09:26
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Yep.. Top Gear... a diamond in a sea of turds..

Huge and loyal audience.. syndicated (sold) throughout the world for big ££... pioneering, disrespectful, wonderfully cynical, sometimes immature, editing frequently contrived and manipulated to create those "photo-finish" race results... so what? For most who accept that it's entertainment (FFS!) it's worth the licence fee all on its own. IMHO of course. Cheers bm.
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Old 15th Jan 2010, 12:46
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It's boring.
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Old 15th Jan 2010, 12:52
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The VW Golf: Berlin to Warsaw with one tank.

I think it was a few more than one, Firestorm, and he also had the odd squadron of Stukas or two......oh, sorry, thought we were back to thrashing over WW-II again.
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Old 16th Jan 2010, 00:20
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It's boring.
You're a liberal aren't you?
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Old 16th Jan 2010, 00:46
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I have the misfortune of bearing a passing resemblance to the sainted JC, by virtue of being relatively tall and having unkempt hair.

When I first arrived in London, I believed that was a wind-up by some colleagues at work.

I have since been followed down the Shepherd's Bush Market by 'fans'.

Last year, at a Chinese restaurant in Sydney, I was asked whether I was making a series and whether I would mind posing with the proprietor in lieu of paying. I'm stupid. I make Bono look like Isaac Newton. It is a poor comparison, really, because there is no-one smart enough to negate the stupidity of Bono. If I did not know better I'd mistake him for the love child of Peter Andre and Jade Goody.

I declared that I was not JC and that I was paying in cash. Dumb.

I think that the best JC quote was the 'one-eyed Scottish idiot'. Somebody finally pulled their finger out and said what we all know. Punching Piers Morgan thrice was a bonus.

SO
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Old 16th Jan 2010, 02:17
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Nope. Nothing in "Photographs of Everyone" thread. So you'll just have to post the proof of what you are stating Sea Oxen
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Old 16th Jan 2010, 09:15
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You're a liberal aren't you?
Liberal, me? Now THAT's funny!

He was quite funny to begin with, but now he's become old hat, totally predictable and therefore boring.
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Old 16th Jan 2010, 12:35
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sisemen

The Intarweb has an infinite memory. AFAIK no image of me is available online, and given my intemperate rants. it's a jolly good thing too. Mrs SO has still not forgiven me for posting an mp3 of her snoring on her webshite. It sounds like Jo Brand covering herself in butter, squeezing into a size 12 wetsuit, and trying to kick-start a Merlin.

If I get a few minutes, I shall try pixellating something with Gimp.

SO
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Old 29th Jan 2010, 11:12
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Jeremy Clarkson rakes in another £830,000 from Top Gear - adding to his £1m BBC salary | Mail Online
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Old 29th Jan 2010, 12:01
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What a bargain!

If that abusive foul-mouthed wr Jonathan Ross really is worth £11 million/year... Clarky's worth double IMHO
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Old 29th Jan 2010, 12:33
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Worth every penny. Plus all the fees he gets from the Times / Sunday Times and other papers for his driving and general columns.
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Old 3rd Aug 2010, 16:54
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Did anyone see Sunday's show? This is a classic. It also meant I had to explain to my young son what the number was an anagram of ....not that he hasn't heard me use the word!

YouTube - Top Gear S15 E06 - Number Plate Anagrams
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Old 3rd Aug 2010, 17:07
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Watched a repeat of their trip across South America last night,don't care if it is contrived scripted with a million camera setups and retakes, it was bloody funny and bloody good television, it is rare you get banter between two people on television that does not sound phony but those three bounce off each other in a unique way,they have great patter.
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