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Friday Joke

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Friday Joke

Old 26th Sep 2008, 01:35
  #1 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Wanna Be Up There...
Age: 48
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Friday Joke

A man woke up in hospital after a car accident to find that the left hand side of his body had been amputated.


No need for concern though.




--

i apologise for this in advance

--




--




i am really very sorry






The doctors said that he'll be alright.
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Old 26th Sep 2008, 10:18
  #2 (permalink)  

More than just an ATCO
 
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Always Wanted a Taser

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol &Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going togive this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip shit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

*(^%#@, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.
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Old 26th Sep 2008, 10:32
  #3 (permalink)  
StandupfortheUlstermen
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Peoples' Democratic Republic of Wurzelsetshire
Age: 48
Posts: 1,180
Statistics say that women are smarter than men one reason being that they can fake orgasms.
Men say - Big f**king deal, try faking a whole relationship just for a regular shag!
======================================================

A young lad says to his granny, 'I think grandad's gone loopy, he says that God switches the light on for him when he goes to the toilet, then when he's finished, God switches the light off again.'
Granny replies ' f**king hell, the stupid old bastard's been p1ssing in the fridge again.'
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Old 26th Sep 2008, 11:08
  #4 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: South of Old Warden
Age: 82
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Gordon and Alistair visit a Pub




Gordon Brown called Alastair Darling into his office one day & said, 'Alastair , I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England '.

'Good idea PM, how will we go about it?' said Darling.

'Well' said Brown 'we'll get ourselves two of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick & a flat cap, oh & a Labrador . Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other, & we'll show we really enjoy the countryside, ....... oh & remember not to mention the hunting with dogs Act'

'Right PM' said Darling. So a few days later, all kitted out & with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London .

Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for & found a lovely country pub &, with the dog, went in & up to the bar.

'Good evening Landlord, two pints of you best ale, from the wood please' said Brown

'Good evening, Prime Minister' said the landlord, 'two pints of best it is, coming up'

Brown & Darling stood leaning on the bar contemplating new taxes, nodding now & again to those who came in for a drink, whilst the dog lay quietly at their feet. As they drank their beer they chatted about how heart-rending it was that pensioners were being imprisoned for not paying the council tax.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened & in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook. He walked up to the Labrador lifted its tail & looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders & walked back to the other bar.


A few moments later, in came a wizened farmer who followed the same procedure.

To the bewilderment of Brown & Darling people of all ages & gender followed suit over the next hour.

Eventually, unable to stand it any longer, Darling called the landlord over.

'Tell me' said Darling, 'Why did all those people come in & look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old country custom?

'Good Lord no,' said the landlord. 'It's just that someone has told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes'.
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Old 26th Sep 2008, 11:27
  #5 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Not where I want to be
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The Gordon and Alistair joke reminds me of a business visit to Limerick many years ago. Our host wanted to take us to a pub up in the hills after the meeting and up we went, complete with business suits, white shirts and ties. The pub was crowded, but when we arrived it all went deadly silent. It stayed that way until an old farmhand realised that two of us were not speaking English, but some foreign language and inquired whereabouts we came from to which we duly answered Norway.
The old guy wiped his forehead and uttered "Though you were the tax guys". We ordered two rounds for all and had a bloody great time.
Per
Ancient Mariner is offline  
Old 26th Sep 2008, 11:30
  #6 (permalink)  
 
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Safe for work pron

Diesel: SFW XXX | Creativity Online
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Old 26th Sep 2008, 11:32
  #7 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
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Patrick staggered into a bar in Dublin, covered all over in bandages, plaster and the like, and using a crutch to help him walk.
"Begorrah, Patrick", said the Barman, "What happened to you?"
"T'was Micheal O'Leary did this to me", said Patrick. "In his right hand he had a shovel, and with that shovel he set about hitting my legs and back, which is why I've one leg in plaster and having to use a crutch"
"What about your arms and head wounds?", said the Barman
"Well, in his left hand he had a hammer, and with that hammer he set about thrashing me around the head and arms, which is why I've an arm in plaster and can only use one eye!"
"But Patrick", said the Barman, "Didn't you have anything in your hands?"
"I did too", said Patrick. "I had Mrs O'Leary's breasts in my hands; and things of beauty they were too, but useless in a fight!"
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Old 26th Sep 2008, 11:36
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: East Angular - apparently!
Posts: 600
In the same vein as C150:

There was a Scottish painter named Wayne who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the
local Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one
of their biggest buildings.
Wayne put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and
buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with
turpentine.
Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky
opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over
the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and
useless paint.
Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he
got down on his knees and cried:
'Oh, God, forgive me; what should I do?'
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...



'Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!'

OK, OK, coat, wallet, front door keys...
barry lloyd is offline  
Old 26th Sep 2008, 11:54
  #9 (permalink)  
cheerful pessimist
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Fenland
Posts: 70
You have to feel sorry for an egg.

It only gets laid once.
It only takes three minutes to get hard, but then it gets hit on the head with a spoon
The only one who sits on its face is its mother.




yes I know it was Jack Dee and yes it first appeared here in 2002
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Old 26th Sep 2008, 12:55
  #10 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: flyover country USA
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Learn the difference - This is on the test!

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Old 26th Sep 2008, 14:58
  #11 (permalink)  
TightYorksherMan
 
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Why don't Russians wear Y-Fronts?

Because Chernobyl Fallout
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Old 26th Sep 2008, 16:22
  #12 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: South of Old Warden
Age: 82
Posts: 1,380
It was Scotland/Ireland 'International' weekend in Edinburgh , and as the
crowds made their way down Princess Street towards Murrayfield, a Rottweiler

suddenly lunged towards an eight year old Scottish lass, with its jaws wide
open ready to attack.

The crowd nearby gasped in horror but,quick as a flash,a man jumped out of
the crowd, grabbed the dog by the throat and throttled it.

As the dead dog lay there, and the crowd cheered in admiration, a journalist

from the Glasgow Herald who had witnessed the heroic deed, went up to the
man and said,

'That was brilliant, I can see the headline now.'

'Irish Rugby Fan Saves Young Girl From Certain Death.'

The man replied,

' No you've got it wrong.. I'm not here for the rugby!'

'Don't worry' said the journalist,

'I can see the headline now.'

'Irishman Saves Girl From Jaws Of Rottweiler'

The man replied,

'No you're wrong again. I'm not Irish; I'm from Berkshire .. '

The journalist said,

'Don't worry, I can see the headline now'

'English Bastard Strangles Family Pet!!!!'
goudie is offline  
Old 26th Sep 2008, 16:38
  #13 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Line of Meridian
Posts: 35
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No. this is my first time'.

She unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was . 'Just a minute,' she said and walked to the door and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' she asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said, it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes. She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on OK?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.
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Old 26th Sep 2008, 23:28
  #14 (permalink)  
 
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Location: CYZV
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Lambskin condoms come in two sizes, Wolly Bully and Little Bo Peep.
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Old 27th Sep 2008, 09:16
  #15 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: UAE
Posts: 210
What is the difference between Michael J and a shopping bag?
Answer. One is white, made of plastic and dangerous if left with small children and the other is to carry your groceries.
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Old 27th Sep 2008, 09:59
  #16 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: The Smaller Antipode
Age: 84
Posts: 0
Labradors Ar****oles

Just after the end of sanctions against Southern Rhodesia, took one of the first British Aeroplanes reviving the service to Salisbury - sorry, Harare. Was told the joke about the lion who was seen licking the arse of another lion - 'cos he'd just eaten an Englishman and wanted to get the taste out of his mouth.
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Old 30th Sep 2008, 13:34
  #17 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: south of Cirencester, north of Lyneham
Age: 71
Posts: 1,243
The Sweetness of Married Life

A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.'

'Where are you going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. I'm going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know...they have frozen glasses... '

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those 20 hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

'But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? Listen up, Chicken Sh*t! Sit your ass down and shut the hell up! Drink your beer in your frozen mug and eat your hors d'oeuvres because your married ass isn't going to a damn bar!!!! That sh*t is over!! Got it, Jackass?"
radeng is offline  
Old 30th Sep 2008, 14:41
  #18 (permalink)  
Recidivist
 
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Location: Essex, UK
Posts: 1,239
Another c&p

1 Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so
fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

2 A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, ' F*** the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!'

3 Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, 'Wimbledon.'

4 A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, 'I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

5 An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
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Old 1st Oct 2008, 12:00
  #19 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2001
Location: south of Cirencester, north of Lyneham
Age: 71
Posts: 1,243
A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears
strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed,
sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks. 'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but
just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says,
'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got
no clothes on!'
The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs
into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet
door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering
on the closet floor.

'You rotten 'B#tch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and
you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'
radeng is offline  
Old 1st Oct 2008, 12:36
  #20 (permalink)  
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: eastmidlands
Age: 57
Posts: 41
Wildlife safari shoot

3 chaps were sent off to the wilds of Africa to shoot a new documentary of lions in the wild.

Scene:

African plains

The 3 guys settle in for the shoot and are having quite a successful day.

They managed to see a pride with a birth of a new cub, several fights between rival males and a whole session of feline conception, enough to keep a gynaecologist happy for weeks!

Anyway it was getting late dusk was rolling in but they hadnít managed to capture a lion kill.

Sensing the lions were getting a little hungry the presenter asked for a break and promptly stooped down and started fumbling with something in his bag to which he produced a pair of Nike trainers

The sound man wondering what he was doing asked the presenter what are you putting those on for?

To which the presenter replied the lions are hungry itís getting late and as long as I can run faster than you two Iím alright!
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